more courage please

I rang my mummy the other day in tears....I said mum, I am doing so well but my symptoms are worse...why ..does it mean that I really do have a bad heart....my mum said No Rachel... its because you are going beyond your limits and using your courage and pushing yourself so your body is in constant alert! ....makes sense I suppose!.............................need my symptoms to subside...went to Tesco today and was awful but i carried on ,, Neil said it was prob cos it was extra busy................ I need more courage guys... My next thing is tomo where we are going door to door knocking for neighbourhod watch members....................Oh yes by the way....at christmas we have a Father christmas that goes around the village in a lit up trailor its great well this yr.... we have no one to be father christmas, we have all the outfit , beard, hair etc but no one seems interestedso guess who have offered to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES ME!!!! LOL.... agraphobic SANTA !!! lollollollol..BET YOU ARE LAUGHING ARNT YOU ...i will get some photos on when i do it...all the village comes out to see ...i just have to sit and wave and ay ho ho ho ...... actaully heres one better,,, an agraphobic transexual santa LOL...will def need courage then!

Symptoms worse but tuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for your lovely comments, I have done so much but the old anxiety is getting me real good but I dont care ( in a sense) they are gonna be because I am taking my self OUT of my normal comfort zone of sitting on the livng room floor doing my crafts and walking to the kitchen!!!!!!!!!!!! Well over the last couple of wekks I have started up a little group with our neighbours as we actually had a stabbing on the corner of our st and it is always the same two families in the village that are constantly causing criminal damage and also violence...It is the main reason for my illness as I talk about in one of my firstposts as I had terrible trouble from one of these families. Any how I gathered some people and organised a meeting in the community centre and got some of the counsellers involved... well last night was the meeting and I heard the chief inspector from police was coming and asbo officer etc... so I was soaking in the bath last night and the old heart was doing a dance an I thought I cant do this...I cant go...so after a few drops of rescue rememdy and a smack i me face I went..... when I got there ..there was about 40 people from allover the village... I was shitting my self... and they put me on the top table with the police etc...... i thought OH MY GOD>>>>IM AGRAPHOBIC I DONT DO THIS>>>> well guys once it started.... i was taking the room by storm I was talking with no fear to this room of people...people were listening to ME as I was stirring them up to form a neighbourhood watch ...it was fab and not ONE PALP!!!!!!!!!!! today I am off up to the school to dress the hall up for the school halloween disco...... like I said the symptoms are bad at the moment but I am sure it is because I am pushing my self to the limit...but I have to do it...other wise im gonna rot and go stale! ill keep u informed ...... xxxxx LOL pic is me thrilled!!!!!

big changes

Hi guys, I have had an amazing time lately, mixed feelings and a slight positivness that has come out of the blue. Basicaly me and Paul have been going through a rough patch as Paul also suffers from anxiety and also severe depression...it was revealed to me that my illness is affecting him and he is finding it hard to cope..blah blah blah!! like his dont me !!!!! Any way... the last few weeks I have took myself and shook my self and these are the things I have said...

Rachel wherever you are and whatever you do in this short life we have here on earth these symptoms will happen ...BUT...if you try to get on with things and take the symtoms with you and do something active then hopefuly they will dissapear..or I can keep in the house wondering how long Paul is gonna be and quivering because I am on me own and do nothing with my life at all!!!! So.... I decided to do some thing active but do it in my own village, so I have becaome a Parish counseller, a member of the tennants and resisdents association.... im starting a neighbour hood watch, ....getting involved in the community center, im doing christmas dinners for the old bids, activities up at school , i will have my own stall at the christmas fairs ( all 3 of them ) .... and I started a craft course last wed, will be doing that every wed in the wk...... Im still getting the palps but feeling more positive,,, lib was 17 the other day (13th) and me little baby wanted us to go out for a meal, so I did and I loved it...the day after I went and walked about 1/4 of a mile to my freinds house...with out the bike.... I went to town and did some clothes shopping, I have done all this in one wk.... I have pushed myself... and coped...so please say A prayer for me this week that some of these horrid symptoms start to dissapear whilst I get my head busy again!!! the photos are from libs dinner x x x x

Havin a few bad days...............

Well guys... hello again, I am havin a real strugglin time with these old flutters/palpitations.... I am finding alot of them are coming on with stomach gas and wind... at night time the min' I hit the pillow they start!!!! but after a couple of hrs of releasing gas from my chest cavity it settles and they go ...so weird! I have been told that it is when your heart is stimulated by the vagus nerve which runs from your stomach up through your heart, makes sense ...but I just wish my over sensitized heart would start to settle down and my head would stop focusing on them as half the time this is what it is... i think! I hope! .stay with me guys ...i dont seem to get any comments any more on my blog...please let me lnow you are reading this blog xxxx pic is my rueben!

The missing wench! Cant smile at the mo !!!!!!

Im still here people... i have not been bloggin cos I will be honest guys I have not felt like it one bit..I feel I have nothing to say due to my borin tedious life of just trying to hold myself together..... I have found myself in the morning being addicted to Sky movies...then the afternoon is here...then its tea time...then its bed time.... I think I am just havin a bad time as sadley watching my life go by!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!