The Bizzare Diary of Rachel Hughes

HAPPY CHRISTMAS READERS

2011-12-22T09:05:00.002Z

Hi guys and gals...... well that time of year again...omg I love it....yesterday I went to Doncaster on the bus with hubby...as none of us drive...it was heaving busy... I remember a time when in Doncaster i could not cope at all but I loved it..... went to loads of shops and queue's and felt a possible 20% anxiety ....heart was pounding all the time but I never let it carry away as it was hot..I was rushing and I was excited!!!! I even ate whilst out which is a big thing for me especially being so far from home...... I wanna wish you all a healthy, prosperous and self healed new year...and a wonderful Christmas xxxxxxxxx thanks for all your comments still even though I hardly blog now..... I smile everytime someone says they have read my blog and they have been inspired... I love it!.......and glad I did it as I have met some lovely people on my way x...take care and Merry Christmas xxxxx

NEW VENTURE................

2011-12-06T11:30:00.002Z

www.ginghamcupcakes.co.uk

wow.........! healed

2011-10-16T10:33:00.002+01:00

Hi people..... wow I am getting straight to the point....... Im gob smacked at how ill I was!!!!! I have been reading my blog and comments and cant believe how different I am now, I have been through the most amazing journey ever in my life, but I have learned so much from it!..........about my self and also about values, morals, love, appreciation!.......since becoming 99% better (still got a few issues to overcome) I cant tell you how I just LOVE being alive every day!! .....I thank God for my family and my Good friends , I have so many good friends that have helped me on my path of healing. I know how poorly I was and I know some of you out there, fellow readers are still suffering and you just don't see the light at the end of your dark foul tunnel..... I can tell you peeps there is HOPE!!!...... But I did have to kick my own ass, work towards a positive attitude and try to stay focused and every glitch, every palpitation episode felt like a set back but I shook my self and starting again! ................ you need to tell your mind what to do rather than your mind telling you what to do ! ....train your brain into thinking positive thoughts and in the end your body will respond and not react to fear! ...FEAR has been a BIG thing in my life to overcome and apart from my doctor phobia which is still being worked on.... (70% there now) I can honestly say I am not a bag of quivering arseoles anymore!..... I have just recently been on holiday on the norfolk broads with some girly friends in the middle of nowhere..... I had a great time. If you had of said to me 2 yrs ago ..."rach,,, you will be on a boat in the middle of the country side " I would have laughed ass of and curled back up on the sofa watching telly in my safe spot!...................... the only downside to getting better is for my family cos Im never in! ...LOL...love it..... but my Daughter is reaiping the benefits as she is now coming shopping with me on the bus!...yeah ME on a bus shopping!.................... when I say Im 99% better the 1% is going shopping to town on my own! ....I aint done that yet, I will go to my mothers on the bus on my own but not to town BUT I will!!!!! Prob will attempt it at cristmas time.

Well Guys im signing off for now.......... But I shall be back to see you all .... x x x

me n my mate in photo on our hols!

feelin better

2011-05-01T08:55:00.002+01:00

Well peeps had a huge set back but after one session of therapy and understanding why i had the symptoms again i am feeling alot better!...yippie!..........once your brain makes sense of whats happening and relate the stress to a time in your life where you felt vunerable you can begin to work on your emotions! and also im not a great cryer but this therapy always brings on the tears.....you dont realize what a release it is to have a good cry ...so come on peeps get the tissues out and have a weep...... release some pressure! xxxxxxx

bloody major setback...gottta fight it

2011-04-10T11:05:00.003+01:00

Well, back with a bloody vengence or what!!!...... STRESS!... been having the old out o sync heart palps when walking about again! really bad! ..Gosh its amazing...how can I have em for yrs and yrs then they stop for 8 months then wham! back again!...but I am being positive and believing they will go again! they will I know they will...... I have had a lot of stress on with my mother and father as I am the only one out of 4 girls to look after them.... anyway... i need to get over this blip and get my self right again!!

bulls bollocks!...

2011-03-31T21:01:00.002+01:00

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what a week!.... basically this wk I have struggled with some old symptoms like heart palpataions when i walked, I was pretty shocked when they started again but i think i know why..... I have been so inspired and had a lot of help when i was poorly with it all from a website called no more panic! brill website...well i hadnt been on it for a while so i thought i would have a look... i started reading some of my old posts from a few yrs ago when i was suffering VERY bad...the next day all the symptoms started again...i coudlnt believe it....def' psycological!!!!.......but I decided to take the bull by the scrotum! and wade through.....rather than stay inside scared of walking I walked, on my own and further! it worked.......there gone again! THANK THE BULL! ...so I am feeling great again! ......just shows, dont let it beat you, tell ur brain what to do rather than your brain telling you what to do .....such a simple thing to do ...but it works!...any way I hope you are all well , take care and blog to u soonies xx

WHATS HAPPENING EVERYONE HAS BOREDOM

2011-03-06T23:46:00.003Z

well after 4 yrs of struggling to get out the house I actually struggle now to stay in! ain't it amazing! ... But at the moment everyone is suffering from being bored... I was thinking today...omg when i was locked in the house (not literally) how the hell did I cope!...wot did I actually do with myself.....the answer came.... I sat worrying about my heart ,,,my health and everything else!....it took my day up... i just thank God I am well. I was talking to a Friend today who hasn't seen me since I got well and she only ever knew me with agoraphobia ,,,, she moved over to Holland (her home) we chatted on Skype and she couldn't believe that I now walk with out my bike or even get on a bus... as I was telling her things I thought wow ,,,, I am better..we even talked about me going to see her on a plane! with my Daughter ...and I am seriously thinking about it... I wouldn't do it on my own but i don't see that being a failure i just accept now that there are some things in life we don't do on our own...it isn't particularly a weakness its just who you are....but I would really love to go to Holland especially with my Libby......... any how...signing off for now...night guys and gals!

Well at last ... you too can do it

2011-03-04T12:04:00.002Z

I had a time in my life where my blog was one of my crutches... but now I am well I really do hardly post anymore...sometimes I feel selfish and think "what about my blogger freinds" but i do still look at your progresses and I am happy some have been renewed but also sad that things havnt changed for others...... I never ever thought there would be light at the end of the tunnel for me, I remember sat trying to imagine my self walking around the corner and I couldnt...I believed I never would again...but it is when i changed that belief and believed that I would... you need to tell your brain positive things and your brain WILL in the end respond to your positive commands! it will ...scientificaly it will..... I am happy I am well and i never want to be in that place again...and I believe I wont!

Been great!

2010-10-08T23:17:00.002+01:00

hi guys...just thought I would pop in ....lol.... i wanted you to know im doing good! life has been great apart form being skint but hey we all are at the moment! I have started another blog as you know the therapy i had for the panic attacks that really worked... well I am having them now for eating and weight loss....I have joined slimming world and I am really looking for ward to loosing the weight as it has been a constant battle for a lot of years! and im really ready to loose the weight and the therapy has been working .... I have lost nearly a stone.... 6 more stone to go ... and i will be the complete new woman! Hope you are all well...and please please remember there is light at the end of the tunnell I promise you guys ... I am living evidence that there is.... x x x xlove u all
www.rachelwillbeslim.blogspot.com

wow i have been havin the best time for 4 years

2010-07-30T12:12:00.002+01:00

hi guys, i just wanted you to know how i have been doing.... after my last blog...wooopps... bad language etc...well thats how i felt... i am feling alot better...great in fact... I can say that my Agoraphobia is on the back burner for now...it always sits there, I am cautious and lifes choices can be delicate but I did do the massive step a couple of weeks ago and ...well ....a few things really... I went to Wales to my Aunty's...then booked a holiday to the seaside at the end of August in a caravan...and went back to wales again, visited swansea and had a fab time... I was ok...this time 3 years ago i couldnt even see my self out the front gate ....but I ragged my self out of it.... i know how hard it is and I pray to God I neve get like that again ...but who can say as it is the second time in my life I have had the syptoms of Agoraphobia...... thanks you lot for your fantastic support and i hope you are all well.

I could seriously cry

2010-05-15T01:48:00.002+01:00

Just woke up about half an hr ago to a run of ectopic/out of sync/irregular beats for about half an hr (just calmed down)......cannot believe these fucking things are back! yeah I am swearing...for the first time on my blog! I am SO pissed off...I ain't had any of these damn things since Jan and then they come....its like \i get rid of it and some evil bitch posts it back to me......... i don't mind the odd flutter through the day...that really don't bother me...... but when it gets into that rhythm of miss beat miss beat......you just think it will never ever go back..... i don't want this ...i want it to go .......... i will work on it peeps!....after what i have achieved this yr i cant let it get hold of me again!

BLOODY back again!!!!!

2010-05-12T08:14:00.002+01:00

Hi peeps...... well I have been having an amazin time..... gettin out and about... to say I was agoraphobic a few months ago .. u would think I was lyin... I am also walkin more.... the palps did go...it was an amaziin feelin to feel normal and not worry about doin anything....but the other day they came back....but you know what .......truth.......and I think you will believe me you know.......I REALLY DONT CARE..... let them....for now i dont give a shiney shite ... let em happen....they will go ,,, i have had months and months with out them.... so im sure they will go again....it aint gonna stop me gettin out like before..... it just prooves IT IS ANXIETY! as i have had a few things to worry about lately..... I have even become part of a reenactment group and have been out and about with that...... I cant go back to how i was before.... not movin from the floor....watchin tv.....scared to walk to the kitchen for fear of them..... no no no ...they are not grabbin me again!...off out today for a walk around the next little village wiv shops etc..... take care freinds...x

Still doing well but a little hormonal!

2010-03-17T07:51:00.003Z

Hi my lovelies..... just a quick update, I am feeling pretty normal!... still prone to the palps but nothing like they were....they are copable!...... where as before I coudnt cope at all.... makes you relaise how strange and amazing our bodies are.... but I do have a little theory...... I have seen a link.... If your a bloke shut your ears! lol.... HORMONES!!!!.... since Dec my cycle has gone haywire... missing periods and then bleeding for 4 weeks ..missing spotting! but since all this I have had less palps.... someone suggested i could be going through an early change or in peri menopause.... which im 100% sure of....one of the symptoms of peri menopause is palpatations...anxiety and panic attacks!!!!!! ohhhh heelllooooo!!!!! .... I really think it has had an effect!... so ladies...you may wanna think about that.... I am just praying they dont come back like they did.... . I still feel though that the agoraphobia has been a mental block with fear due to panicking whilst out...and I feel i have combatted that on my own . ,, so who knows eh! I am young to go through menopause but not to start peri...i was 38 the other day..(old git I know)... so i shall just have to see whats in store LOL...take care peeps ...speak soon x

livin proof you can kick it in the ass

2010-02-15T16:03:00.002Z

You have followed me through thick n thin.... when i have woke in nights of flooded panic i have blogged.... days when i have not wanted to move or been to scared to go to the shop 3 doors away from my home!!! ...i have even had agoraphobia with in my own walls... scared to go from livin room to the kitchen...my space was becoming more and more limited... till in the end i knew i had to do something...i wanted to put it in order how i achieved this.

these are the things that affected me

1. couldnt be left on my own at all

2. couldnt leave the house

3.couldnt walk far with out feelin breathless or heart pounding

4.hated having visitors

5. had night panics every night so didn't sleep.

now....

1. love being on my own

2. Do everything i can to leave the house all the time ...love being out now

3. just started to walk a little now....do go to town and walk a little now

5. love having peeps round... been having lots of parties...body shop...ann summers etc

6. sleep like a baby

how have i achieved these things

1. started a little job ...avon so i had to get out and had to deliver goods as people were expecting me.

2. got freinds to take me in the car to places knowing i may have to turn back.

3. began to get involved in things within the community...i.e school....feeding the old folks at village hall....craft stalls....even though i was doing all this i was still having all the symptoms...but ploughed through

4. bought an electric bike to get my independance.

5. had people on standby when left on own knowing i had me bike there if i needed help.

6.put me self in vunerable situations but always got back up.

7. eat better... no processed food

8. drink plenty of water.

hope some of this helps! x x x x x x x x x

HEALING IS BEGINING

2010-02-09T09:21:00.002Z

AFTER NEARLY 3 LONG YRS I SEE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL..... LIFE IS FEELING LESS WORRYING, BUT THE BEST BEST BEST NEWS OF ALL IS ......... THE PALPATATIONS ARE STOPPING,, THE PAST 6 DAYS I HAVE HAD THE SAME AMOUNT OF HEART FLUTTERS ETC AS I HAVE IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES....... I FEEL LIKE ITS BECOME REGULAR AGAIN................................ THE AMAZING THING IS.... IT WAS ANXIETY.... ANXIETY DID THIS TO MY BODY... BUT ITS AS IF IT HAD TO HAPPEN AND WORK ITS WAY OUT.... I KNOW I MAY EVEN GET THEM AGAIN.... I KNOW THAT BUT I HAVE TO TELL MYSELF...ITS JUST STRESS A SILLY THING THAT HAPPENS TO MY HEART.... BUT ITS NOTHING THAT WILL KILL ME.... IT WAS GETITNG TO THE POINT THAT IF I MOVED OR STOOD UP ETC THEY WOULD START... I HAVE BEEN DOIN A LITTLE BIT OF WALKING AND HAVE BEEN OK....PRAY FOR ME GUYS ...PRAY THAT THIS IS THE START OF RACHEL BEING BACK.... GOD HELP THE WORLD IF IT IS!.... I HAVE LEARNED ALOT FROM THIS EXPERIENCE...... ITS BEEN A PROPER PROPER JOURNEY... BUT THE KEY THING IS TO KEEP YOUR SELF BUSY AND MOTIVATED ... I HAVE DONE THE MOST DARING THINGS DURING MY BAD TIMES LIKE GETTING INVOLVED IN THE COMMUNITY AND ALSO NOT HIDING AWAY... MAKING ALLOWENCES FOR MY OWN FEARS AND HAVING FREINDS AROUND ME WHO CARE AND UNDERSTAND AND WHO ARE NOT SICK OF HEARING THE SAME OLD THING HAS BEEN HANDY AND HELPFULL. SO GUYS HANG ON IN THERE.... YOUR SYMPTOMS WILL EASE... I HAVE GONE FROM SITTING ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR WRAPPED IN BLANKETS AND WATCHING TV SCARED TO MOVE AND WHEN I DID HAVING A PANIC ATTACK TO GETTING OUT AND ABOUT WITH THE AID OF PEOPLE AND MY LECKY BIKE.....! ...OH YEAH ... YOU KNOW IT ALL STARTED WHEN I RODE TO MY MOTHERS AND HAD THAT MASSIVE ATTACK ON MY OWN...WELL THE OTHER DAY I RODE THE SAME JOURNEY... ON MY OWN BUT ON MY ELECTRIC BIKE.... IT WAS SOMOT I NEEEDED TO DO ... I DID IT.. I FELT NERVOUS A FEW TIMES AS ONE PART OF THE JOURNEY IS A 2 MILE LONG RD IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE.... FEILDS EITHER SIDE..... BUT I DID IT.! BIKING IT WITHOUT ELECRTIC WOULD HAVE BEEN A DIFFERENT STORY LOL...BUT HEY WHO KNOWS MAYBE SOON ....X SPEAK SOON HUNNIES...... IF YOU WANNA ADD ME ON FACE BOOK SEARCH FOR RACHEL HUGHES WAS PARSONS WENCH AND YOU WILL FIND ME! TAKE CARE!!!!

Hello Peeps

2009-12-31T00:23:00.003Z

Hiya freinds.... I'm here...gosh I can't believe how long it has been since I have blogged.... wot does it mean...it means I no longer am suffering from agoraphobia..... bUT I still have the odd panic attacks and suffer very bad from the palpitations which makes me scared to walk far with out my bike..... so i still have a mile or two to go ... I did loose wieght in the summer and I found that my symptoms nearly dissapeared...but since then i have piled all the weight back on and a little more.... constant battle for me..... I have also been undergoing some therapy this yr for my fear of doctors and also for some fears from childhood crap..... it has been with a good freind of mine who is a qualified therapist and we are doing the "Theratappa" therapy..where you use a machine and vibrations to stimulate the brain and train it into not going into panic mode and finding a safe place..... up to yet it has started to work... i have had a change in attitude and also have "found myself" a little if i can sound corny! lol....... I have been also getting out and about helping my freind do party plan for Ann summers... It isn't my job and i dont get paid but i am off in the car with her all the time and helping her out... I am lovin it... we go all over and it has really helped me to meet new people again and to also not be feared of being away from home.... I shall try to get back on here more ... i promise... i hope all my readers ( if you aint buggered off) are well and on the road to recovery!!!! Lets hope and pray 2010 is a good yr...speak soon hunnies!

bike tomo

2009-09-30T18:54:00.002+01:00

Ohhhhh Im all excited... tomo is me big day... me day of freedom again...been a bit house bound since not had me bike....been out and about in the car etc but not round many streets although i have been using the pedal bike to go shopping and done it on me own.....so will def be gettin some piccies on ere....... got pa;ps as i write cos just had a chinese and stuffed me face. signin off for now xxxx

new lecky bike on its way

2009-09-21T22:56:00.002+01:00

DO U LIKE IT!

Hi peeps..... been a busy bunnies and have dont the terrible thing and forgot to talk to you all.... I have been doing alot of stuff with the village....and I am now about to get me new lecky bike at the end of the week so i am gonna be going far on it throught the country side to me mothers about 4 miles there and back...this will be a challange as this is when it all began before,,, my first panic attack was biking to mums BUT I am on me lecky so NO FEAR! I hope... I am gonna be telling a few people when I go and make sure me phone is topped up so I can ring if I panic..and some one will come for me! SO will have to keep you informed x x x x x x x x x x still love you all!

At last the day has arrived! I Have been for a walk

2009-08-17T08:48:00.005+01:00

Yes.... very unexpectadly I have done it peeps..I went to a freinds yesterday and she encouraged me to have a walk to Tesco with her, she never told me how far it was ( it was a mile) but when I got half way ( half a mile) I stopped and waited for her (on my own ) in a park...this was 10 mile away from home, not in my village!.... This has been a massive huge The BIG step for me.... I walked a whole mile there and back and I am so proud of my self... for the first time in two years i can see the light at the end of the tunnell....at last...... here is a couple of videos...as i was thinkin of my blog all the time..... the first vid is me contemplating walking further.... you can see me little mind going and all the questions ....then the other is of me in the park sat down waiting for her on me own... there I was in a very vunerable situation as If i had of panicked I would have had no one or nothing... but i was ok.

Just to add I have walked around my village today...was fine on the way to the shops but back was a bit dodgy but did it ! .whats happening!!!!! x

Havin a great time!

2009-08-15T23:14:00.005+01:00

Guys I have been having a fab time lately getting out and walking about.... not totally cured but getting there...can go ANYWHERE now in a car etc ..its just the process of walking to far from the car or being with out my bike.... I can say i feel 85% my self again ...... here is a few vids of my recent day out ...funni! x sorry they are sideways x

OH!!!! HELLOOOOOOO!!!!

2009-07-28T22:24:00.002+01:00

I know i know.... where the hell have you been Rach..... well I'll be truthful Ive been getting better guys!!! and really have had limited time due to doing stuff. I hear you say " BRILLIANT".... symptoms are still with me especially the dreadfull heart ones BUT not as bad and also NO MORE night panics! ..... I have had 3 MAJOR panic attacks since Christmas which is brill and better than 2 or 3 a day.... the Agoraphobia feelings have GONE! I am no longer Agoraphobic I am just suffering with anxiety syptoms.... SO guys you ca do it...look at me earlier in this blog... i couldnt walk to the corner shop... I still struggle with walking around and depend greatly on my electric bike which is still going (thank God) but It has helped me emensley getting used to being outdoors again... I often go up the fields with Paul now and even go off round the woods on my own, I go to the shops on my own and actually have a problem staying in..... I am always just having a ride around. My next step is to combat walking without having feelings of having a heart attack lol...... I am currently at Slimming world club and am DEF loosing weight as I believe this will help me. Also Guys Guys Guys... I had my School reunion ...OMG I was terrifeid ... my heart was laeping all over all night BUT... I made it throught the whole eve...Libby came with me and I just got on with it. Here is a piccy of me and libby and me and an old freind ... at the reunion...... speak soon...and thank you for everything people xx...........

Some pictures of my longest trip on bike so far...

2009-05-16T10:23:00.008+01:00

Here is a selection of pics of me n paul n doggies and surroundings from me bike ride the other day....3 mile trip..longest ive been on bike for 2 yrs .....here goes....

My first Donation...thank u so much

2009-05-15T08:22:00.002+01:00

Well just when I thought It wasn't ever gonna happen....Someone has donated a fee to me towards my bike...I am so happy! ..It is there in my paypal ..I was so suprised this morning when I was checking my emails...SO who ever you are...Thank you so so so so so so so so so so so so much x x x x x x x x you have made me very happy and hopeful....x
It was Paul and mine wedding Anniversary the other day so I charged this old clapped out thing up as much as I could and we went off to the fields as it was very dry..I went off further than I ever have before but it was great as it was mostly downhill so the battery power was fine...just by the time I got home it was pulling on the power..so at least I know I can get away and out up the fields with Paul now but when I get my new bike I know I will be able to go anywhere and everywhere...this one does about 2 miles on the battery but the new one will do 40 miles !!!.......I have some pics of me n paul and the countryside around us..I will post them onto this post laters. We were going today but the rain has started here... looks like its in for the day. SO peeps I am just popping down for me breaky...and once again hunny thank you for donation ...I am so grateful. x

Im still here.........

2009-05-08T10:44:00.003+01:00

Hiya.. no I havn't fell off the end of the earth or joined the vast majority yet!...Im still here...had the most awful time financially....Bike, laptop,desktop and then to top it off.....cooker! ....Im cursed I swear...someone somewhere there is a wax figure with black curly hair and a big belly with pins in it !!!! Come on own up!!!!!...lol.... I have been ok...gallavanting all over the place... still not walking far but I have been getting out and about which feels great! ... I went to the hills ( derbyshire ) with a freind the other week in the car...went about 130 miles round trip.... was fab! No anxiety at all! ...also I have a freind who has started doing Ann Summers Party's and she is a little shy so I have been going with her and helping her do the parties...going along the strangers houses and showing them naughty toys and underwear has taken some guts but I have really been enjoying it.... I really feel that my Agoraphobia has been kicked in the but! It is just the walking and palpatations (fear still I suppose) that needs to be sorted then Rach will be back!...................I think my body is kind of stuck in this mode!...fear breeding fear and all that! ..... I havn't blogged much due to comp probs...slow desk top ...no lap top...very frustrating....but all in all things are looking up...im taking more risks.... wouldn't have felt like this if it wasn't for me lecky bike...which is still going by the skin of its tyres!..... I did put a donate button up...peeps prob thought I was a cheeky cow as I have not had a bloody penny!...suppose there worse causes to donate too....peeps starving etc!....well it was worth a try....I will leave it there for a bit as you never know ...a millionaire recovering agoraphobic might just pass this way and take pity!...lol.....yeah right!.... in answer to your question Coffee cup about claiming....if I could get over the bloody fear /phobia of the doctors I would def claim! but you need to have authority from them ...I asked the social...so im buggered!...unless a miracle happens and im cured of my phobia!........... right im off guys..... the pic is me in the derbyshire hills and also of me riding up the fields on me own on me bike!

OMG My worst nightmare....no laptop

2009-04-11T22:38:00.004+01:00

Well not only do I need a new bike but now my laptop has fried ! ..it buzzed and spat and smoked and then ....died! ...... so I am now stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea as what to save for first!!!... lifes a bugga! ...well on Monday Pauls mate has asked if we wnat to go out for a ride in his car for the day and go for a picnic...he knows of my situation and he is being great about it... he dont walk far anyway so Im really looking forward to the day out... as I am fine in a car...but i dont want to wander far from the car... so I am not sure where we are going but he is taking his little stove wiv the kettle....bwess! ..... so Im off to browse on ebay for lappy for a fiver lol ....byeeeeeee x

I am truely cursed by the nasty bike goblin

2009-04-05T09:25:00.003+01:00

This electric bike that I have.. I love it so much..it has helped me so much but the bloody thing just keeps having one thing after the other wrong with it..it is unbelievable. My Father in law is spending moe time working on this wretched bike that I dont know what.. the poor man.

Tell me if you think im cursed, because I swear that at night ,,the little nasty bike goblin comes along and casts nasty spells on it! I beginging to wonder if it will be the death of me! I am saving so earnestly for a new one... I have £159 and my new one is £349... so I have a long way to go ....

Heres whats gone wrong with this bike.

First.. electrics cut off... mended... electrics cut off again...mended....puncture on back nr motor...mended.... suspension went funny...mended....front brake snapped...mended....back brake stopped motor...mended....tyre going down for no reason.....mended....tyre going down again with no puncture.....I MENDED and did it wrong....pedals stuck and wont go rtound....meneded (father in law mended what i had done LOL).....suspension dropped again.....waiting to be mended...and the classic one ..the one that happened yesterday.... the lovely one to bugga up me bike ...are you ready for this one.....THE BLOODY KEY SNAPS OFF INSIDE THE LOCK>>>CANT TURN THE BUGGA OFF!!!!!! so its on all the time...I cant run the battery down or take it off ... its great int it! .... so i wont be selling it... I will be throwing it into Langold lake! .......................so I need to now make £200..........................any ideas...might put up a donation button on me blog!!!!!! what do you think!!!???? LOL !!!!

A dirty laugh!

2009-04-01T23:23:00.003+01:00

Well guys I have had a fab night... for the first time during my anxiety I have had an Ann Summers party... I made lots of cakies and scrubbed the house from top to bottom ( always does you good to have folks round, makes you clean ) But the thought of having loads of silly women in your house and entertaing that amount has always set my anxiety levels high...... but tonight guys I have had the time of my life and really enjoyed my self....My freind is gonna be a rep and she wants me to join in with her and come and do the parties with her and we will half the profits! fab! ... will get me out and give me a bit of pin money!... if it happens.... will be good for my confidence as i have now almost beaten my agoraphobia! no probs really to go anywhere any more its like i said its just the walking i need to combat now and Bobs youe uncle I will be fine again! .... Guys can I also just say how good it is to see Gary back blogging...check out his new blog and give him some support , he has had several months of tragedy, losing his wife and he amazingly brings up his daughter who is special needs on his own... he needs all the support in the world right now.. here is his link
http://anxiety-man.blogspot.com/

A head of mixed thoughts and a body of mixed emotions!

2009-03-27T23:16:00.002Z

Im trying....in my husbands words "yeah , very"..... I am though... I wish my body would connect with my head....does that make sense?...what I mean is...I feel ok in my head..I wanna get out there but my body is saying NO!!!!! but in fact it is the other way around....my body is ok but the head is saying NO....does ya know what i mean LOL...... head sends signals to the body.... der im confused me self now! ... well in the morning im gonna have a go at walking round a small town...it wont be far but i will try........... ahhhhhh scared! but need to go to Wilkinsons as I have put me plastic green house up (well paul has) and I have put some toms in tonight (bought from tinternet...rare types..hierloom seeds) and I have allsorts of flowers to do too! bought some weird seeds from ebay...like black sunflower and chocolate aquilliga... black cherry tomatoes etc....cant wait to see me garden this yr! I love dabblin in the garden and it is so good for you..... althought the past 2 yrs has been bloody crap ... could have grown some Kelp or water lilies! with all the stinkin rain. ..............also another aim is I am gonna go on the sunbed this wk..... I have been gonna go on all wk but im scared...scared of gettin too hot and having palps..and being naked with the palps.... lol...oh the thought!....cos im sick of fake tan... i am goin around like a great big satsuma half the time... i aint ever found one yet that suits me!....need some colour to me ...makes me feel better.....so guys... heres to the wench signing off...till next time! bysey bye lemon pie! my greenhouse is the same as this one!

Sick of feelin like crap

2009-03-21T09:07:00.004Z

Well I am..... nervous...from the pit of my stomach...still scared to walk far.... I seriously want my life back....sick of it...I aint been bloggin cos whats the point ...its all been bad for so long.... I was feelin better!..... but im worse as ever...I just hope that the good weather will pick me up and give me some hope.... i dont know what to do with myself! ...... how is everyone else feeling??????

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeee!

2009-03-11T08:07:00.002Z

Hiya guys....it was my birthday yesterday and I had a lovely day as much as gifts and cards and messages but all day I felt so stressed and upset. Some trouble in the village upset me, being accused of something I havn't done ...it made me so angry I just wanted go bloody mad! I suppose this is what you get when you put your self on the front line i.e Neighbourhood watch.... yes I am still running it wih my freind and we are doing soooo well, nearly 400 have joined up in our village alone...doesn't this say something....we need it! I live in a littel old pit village and the crime at the moment has gone up and up... but the folk are the same folk (criminals) all the time making peoples lives so miserable...I had a lady call at mine last night because she was just sat watching tv all relaxed when bang...egg on her window...she was alone and scared as she knew the kids wanted her attention to be able to hurl abuse...so she waited till they went and came to my door for moral support...she was shakin from head to toe...ok it was only an egg..that's not what bothered her! it was the intimidation!.......... the frustrating thing about all the stuff going on her (knife crime,car damage,assault,shed robbing,theft from houses,burning cars out,nicking from gardens,scratching parked cars) the Police have their hands tied because the judges are not giving out proper sentancing....slap on the wrist, bit of community service and they are out planning the next crime!......................................... what is it like where you live...??? Is it as bad as here....leave me a comment and let me know x

Right then wench...lets get a grip of things!

2009-02-26T22:51:00.002Z

This is the quote I gave my self this morning!....... because.. Im still a nervous wreck...im still getting the palps...then no palps...panic... etc blah blah blah... but today I have been thinkin about the good things and I have found improvement...... You know me little electric bike that I have still not given you a peep of me on it yet...well these past couple of weeks I have overcome going places on me own on it.... I now can go down the st to the shops on me own as long as Im on me electric bike...... also today I went to the end of the village to the community house as I was helping prepare dinner for the biddies meal we do for them once a month...Well since Ive started there i have always got a lift! well today without even thinkin about it...I trotted/rode/floated there on me electric bike! ...no probs.... so the agoraphobia is going..... so the big question is this!...??? ...... why the bloody hell am i left with this fear of walkin????? every time i walk i feel so vunerable and my heart pounds and goes wonky and i feel like crap...i can walk about the house all day long.... but walk across the road and I struggle ....I feel I have a phobia of walkin ...goin back to that one day when i had that first horrid attack when riding me bike and excercising...its ever since that one day!...is this fear of excersing logged in my head which makes my heart go wonky because it went wonky that day or am I dyin!?.......................... I just wish I could pop along to the doctor but the thought makes me wanna crwl under the keys of this computer and hide away....talk about burying your head in the sand!..... HELLPPPP ME!!!!!! ....... any way to keep you going here is a piccy of a bike the same as mine.....x

Having a tough time

2009-02-20T22:42:00.002Z

I should be ashamed of myself I know... no bloggin ..no commentin on other blogs..but I promise I have been reading your blogs everyday! .... but I suppose you could say I am a little down, sapped , drained,fed up, tired and down right pissed off. I feel like I have no future at the moment but am sooooo trying to stay positive...life is almost like being stuck in a stagnant pond unable to move due to being poisened by the shite that surrounds you!.... but I have to ...I was introduced the other day to a dvd, book, website about some positive thinking etc...well it goes a bit deeper than that and I have been tryin to give it a go... here is the link to the site ...have a look...it's rather bizzarre and "different" but if it helps me in my life I dont care if it was purple zebras massaging me daily with lavender oil!..... that sounds pretty gud actually LOL..... LINK.... http://thesecret.tv/ it called " the secret"...basically it is supposed to be the ancient answer to the secret of success, health...life! .... works for some...I actually downloaded the film from a torrent site...very intersesting! ........

Come on lass!!!!!

2009-02-08T15:25:00.002Z

Well I never..... been terrible...thats all I can say...had flutters all day long for 4 days!!,Been here before and it does ease.... sara if you are reading this do you still get the ectopics and have you had them all day before?.... sorry just needed to ask you hun? ...... I have been fiancially stressed and I do think this is what has done it!............soooooooooooooooooooooooooo skint!...never been this skint in 10 years! to the point of havin hardly no food in the cupboard ...honest... but I have decided Whats the point in worrying ..I dont think ant of my family would allow us to starve!...suppose it all comes down to pride! Any way i did get out in the snow to build a snowman that I named bob who is in me pic.....them two borin buggers wouldnt help me...................................................................................................................... just had panic attack whilst writin this.. had to do a big leap outside to calm down!.... bless I was there upset sat on the kitchen floor and Rueben came up to me a licked my tear ! and sat up close to me...he sensed I was upset...dogs are so wonderful ..especially my Rueben x signin off to try n chill.........................................................WHEN AM I GONNA GET BETTER GOD! I WAS DOIN SO WELL.....WAT'S HAPPENED (CRY CRY)

Set back....It's a long road to recovery!

2009-02-01T13:14:00.004Z

Well i have had an awful week..... had the old flutters and palps back ...but hey..I have had a gud month... so I shouldnt really complain...I feel less scared because I think.. well Rach.. you had such a gud month with hardly any palpatations ..soI dont think a heart problem comes and goes on its own..... I think it may be due to the fact that I have a heavy cold and have been poorly...Im hopin so ...so this week I need to get up back on me feet and try to get back to where I was before...I have still been getting out and about even with the palps I thought No chance mate are you keeping me in!!... I WENT SHOPPING WITH THEM, BEEN DECORATING AT NEILS WITH THEM ( iN TOWN MAY i ADD) ... and still wizzin like a mad woman round the streets on me bike of course! LOL .... so please say a little prayer for me cos at this moment in time ..."one feels like shite"

... ;o)

sorry for neglect

2009-01-27T12:09:00.002Z

I have a cold...feel run down...will post soon....just nought to say... panicked last night as heart rate went up but think it is due to virus...read on net it makes your pulse faster! ... so ill be back shortly ... need to get feeling fitter... x x x x x

Another good week ...Im gettin worried!

2009-01-18T22:57:00.004Z

The title is really true.. you are thinkin,.. she really is nuts,, but I mean it... i feel that good im scared... scared for the biggy...im not 100% normal loony Rach.. i have a long way to go ... but I feel like I have got to the top of the pit ( or hole) with my eyes peekin out but scared of the lion on the other side! ...if that makes sense! .... This week I went out mon to tesco with Mother... and visited a lovely charity shop on way there... Wed I went to my freinds to help her on her computer.... Thursdy I went to the BIG tesco and did my BIG shop..... and the even better news is this...... you know I have a safety blanket called "my bike" well i can only go so far in the village on the bike ...say 2 streets away...the reason being ...if I panic and my heart starts racing then peddlin home will make it race more.... so this is what is in my head when out on the bike.... so for a while now I have been thinkin I could do with an electric bike...so if i panic I can press the button and with out effort get home! ... but they are around 300 sqid... the lady across the rd has one and I often look at her on it thinkin " if only".... well the other day I went to see her about something and she told me she had got a new one...350.00... so my eyes lit up and I said are you selling the other one...she smiled and said..I was thinkin of you and wondered and she is sellin for 100.00.......... yippieeeeeeee.e..... Im havin it if I can get this money together before she sells it to someone else...this is as good as a car for me..... I can have it in a couple of weeks when hers comes... I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo excited..I just need to scrape together 100.00.... as I am truely broke at the moment... but I shall have to find a way! ... might sell me body! that got your attention LOL... (was a joke) ..... so I shall be able to go further a feild and prob go places on my own... def the shops! .... so guys watch this space! heres hopeing next week is as good as the last! x
WHy do i always give you photos of me!! ... i just thought i looked well on this one... bright n cheerful! LOL.... just a poser really..paul said!

Is this it I wonder

2009-01-11T09:51:00.003Z

First of all thanks all for your comments regarding my Blog Anniversary/Birthday..so kind and sweet. Well the good news is im still doing ok...... Im not doing loads and going loads of places yet but its the symptoms that are feeling so much better. Last night I went to Andreas to her Parents leaving doo and they got out the wii fit ...I thought "Oh no"... they all went on doing the stuff and they were saying " Go on Rach!" but i was thinking.... no what if I have a panic attack.......... well I never , I beat the whole bloody lot of them.... couldnt believe it!!!! dont think they could either! .... after the first lot I did get a few flutters but after that, I never noticed if I did or didn't..... next week I am gonna help Paul up at the allotments so that is excercise too. ..... I just hope this is the way to go ... I have felt a difference with my heart beat... I feel like its getting back to a steady rythm.... maybe because the stresses have eased a little... I just need to keep occupied. The lady who I help in the community is actually off for 5 weeks in Cyprus so I will be a little lost there for def! But I am gonna try to go up to school myself.... that will be a challenge to go up School Rd by myself as that is where all the trouble started for me, so will give it a go. ...... Oh freinds I pray we all get better this yr..... I really do. We need a break don't we. I know I might never go anywhere by myself etc as I have been like that for 10 yrs or so.... but just to get rid of these awful heart doo's will be fab!..... im half way there...this time last yr, was having them all day, through the night....now it's odd batches... it's the walking i need to combat now. ...sorry for wafflin! ....se ya soon x x x x x

Happy Birthday to my blog!!

2009-01-08T10:35:00.002Z

Well the easter eggs have been scoffed... the rain came ( that was summer) the leaves fell...and the jingling of bells (rudolf coming to my house) Yes....a whole yr has passed!!!!! I have been blogging for a whole yr! ....wow.... I have met (virtually) some fantastic people who have inspired me...I would like to thank some special people on here..... we have coffecup, Diver,Robert,Sarah who have been followers of my little insane corner of my satalite!.... i can honsestly say.... I feel like I am on the road to recovery.... I am having more good days than bad days.... I just need to take time and not over push myself...I shall still be bloggin if you dont mind! .... I am prepared for set backs...they are normal! .... in fact when i have a whole week where I am sooo bad all this goes out the window but I can say since my HUGE panic attack on Christmas eve I have been fab! ..hardly any palps...and gettin about..although I have took small steps. I still know how I feel in my head... intead of staying in i am having a yearning to go out...cant wait for summer.... looking forward to trying to go for walks in the woods....etc...so does hubby! ...... so happy birthday to my blog...thankyou blogspot for the oppertunity to express my self to so many and also I have had feedback from people saying my blog has helped them...so there is a reason for it all isnt there x x x x x x x x

Happy New Year to you all

2008-12-31T23:56:00.002Z

What an oppertunity to say " Happy New Year " to so many..... glasses raised to a healthy...healing new year!........ i love you all and am looking orward to some major changes in my lie this year...at the end o the day it is down to me aint it!

Love Rach

Birthday blog is on 8th Jan 9 ( 1 yr of bloogin)....

My new face book friends

2008-12-28T19:44:00.003Z

Ahhhh Im so happy... I have had 3 new facebook freinds from my blog and also from NMP website ... it is really great to be able to chat online to folk who really really know what you are going through! I have found so many new Friends since having anxiety disorder...its he best thing that has come out of it all.... there is a reason for everything we go through....so to all you peeps who have been so good to me...Thank you...Thank you so much for your support and efforts to keep me sane..... we need to keep in touch with each other especially when companies are going bankrupt...I even thought about the blogging world...what if blog spot go under!!! how would i contact folk....so get on to face book and add me as a friend (Rachel Hughes was parsons) or add me to your msn.... honeysuckleshop@msn.com......... make sure we stay together cos i wouldn't cope with out you all x x x x x x

My nutty Christmas 2008

2008-12-27T00:07:00.008Z

Hi Folks...Firstly " Mery Christmas to you all" and I hope you had a fantastic day..... I have had a mixed emotions time over this Christmas... too be honest I have been stressed to bugga.... taken too much on.... done too much fartin about and got me self ito that much of a state have had 3 MAJOR panic attack..... one to the point of near collapse on Christmas eve... 1 hr.... heart got stuck in an ectopic rythm one after the other,,,sheer adrenaline.... fear breedin fear and all that..despite all this negative crap...ive ploughed on.... The fri I did do the "Mother CHristmas thing and I did sing my merry heart out on the back of the float...all around the streets of my village...I had Andrea following in the car as a back up..just in case it became a little too much for me and I panicked but i was fine...with 100 people following .... scarey but lovely...x The other thing I conquered wich I still am stunned I did was the super market... went shoppin to Morrisons and I really dont know to this day how I did it!!! It was heaving!...... Libby came to help but she was a bit of a pain in the arse as she really doesnt understand my panic attacks... so i think the Panic attacks have been just delayed stress reaction as today i have been out and have been very chilled...hoping I sleep and dont wake with an attack like I have been . ANy way here are some pics from me being Ma Christmas...I had to strighten my hair to get the bloody hat on! x x x x x well roll onto the new yr... speak soon my little Christmas Puddings x x x x

Tis the season and all that!!!

2008-12-16T23:11:00.003Z

Well guys how are you all feeling...I really dont know but I do Thank the good Lord above for internet shoppin! every and I mean Every present has been bought from the internet! Its great! I have not had to do busy bustling queues or crammed shops like Primark... being the 30th in the queue with a 99p bargain cos I just cant resist.... so thank you Ebay...thank you Lakeland and Thank you Amazon ..... youve really helped an agoraphobics christmas.... LOL .... as for feelin well.. Im having a good patch...just been through a bad one now its a good one.... But im nervous for Fri ...its the biggie....me on the back of a lorry dressed as Mother Christmas ( as we have a santa now) ..... with a microphone singing down every street in the village.... I cant believe Im doing this.... I cant walk to the corner shop some days but Im gonna do this.... mind you I have me saftey nets ready...EVERYONE on the lorry knows I suffer with P.A's and I have our Andrea drivin at the back of the lorry to make me know if I want off I can! So knowing that.. I will prob be ok! ....... so photos will be on ere.... wait till you see what I am wearing! OMG ...like somot from Ann Summers! LOL...well not quite but not far off... a small! ( as in length of course) being a size 18-20.... mini red dress! with netting under the skirt and a cape and hat and black boots! I was tempted to go with the fishnets but thought better of it seeing as I am waving to children! ....LOL.... so Im officially ready for crimbo...me 9ft tree came this morning! (only 20.00) Got pine needle rash! ...me and Paul nearly divorced this morning.......and after noon as it took that long to do ...we always fall out cos Pauls like a Grinch/humbug this time of yr...I keep theatening 3 spirits will be visiting but he is still a bAHHH humbug! ..Men are terrible for it I think....we do the bloody lot dont we girls and they sit moaning! My Dad was the same.... Is the same LOL..... One yr I was only 17 and Dad kept saying...dont get me ought.... dont want ought..so I got a massive box and wrapped it up with a toothbrush inside .. a travel one at that.... and he actually shed a tear ...so he never says it now! LOL..cured that one ! I am a bitch! but it was funny at the time.... so bysey bye for now peeps..... enjoy your festivities.... Ive made 120 mince pies in 6 days cos of all me visitors............................ PS .... is anyone on face book....I am Rachel Hughes was Parsons if you wanna add me........ bye 4 now .... xxxx God what a waffle!

Set back but still plodding

2008-12-03T11:28:00.002Z

Stress levels been up to an amazing hieght..... palps been terrible....the only thing that keeps me sane is the fact I have had a bit of a break from them,,,, been very stressed over finances... I went to school the other day and struggled big time with constant palpataions but managed to do them this christmas display.... no one knew how much I just wanted to go home. ... Yesterday I have a MASSIVE neighbourhood watch meeting where I had to sit infront of 100 villigers and talk along side the police, inspector and sergeant... I phoned up my freind half an hr before and said I couldnt do it as I was in the bath panicking ... but i got out... got ready and was stood at the side of the road for her to pick me up! she was pleased, i was shittin it...but i was OK! Very nervous, heart was pounding but I never ran out....... but the other day I was delivering leaflets with my freind and all of a sudden Panic came.... heart went all out of sync... i stopped a car ( thank fully I knew him) and he took me home...... it was a street I dont normally go down, so of course I felt very defeated! ............. but Ill keep plodding! what else can I do xxxx stay tuned hunnies xx

feeling better

2008-11-19T21:29:00.006Z

Hi peeps, I have not been here for a while cos I have been soooooo busy gallavanting! I have been going out and about

pics are me @ andreas

peeps...at the weekend I went to Andreas on the farm with Libby ..it was great andguess what ...never panicked, slept like a baby and felt great! I feel like I am improvin at the moment (dont know how long it will last) but i am def doing things that I wasnt doing this tome last yr! I have started back at the supermarkets agin rahter than shopping online with Asda! I am having less palpitations and less panic attacks and I have started to walk with my bike in my hand for a little bit..... Even my panic attacks have been shorter! I just hope and pray to God this continous.... I know I may have a set back but ive got to be prepared for it! ..... at least i have had a break...and it has made me convince myself my symtoms are anxiety and not an illness.... Please pray for me peeps ..I need tto stay focused and carry on...I have been doin allsorts in the community and loving it! ... i have a purpose in life again ...a reason for carrying on.... xxx take care guys!
This pic is of the christmas boxes.... me and mum do the "samaritans Christmas child" every year, its a great cause...just fill a shoe box with essentials and gifts for a war torn child. for some reason its come out sideways!

Naked neck dispute!

2008-11-08T17:12:00.004Z

Right guys i need your help.. you know we bred

the naked necks this yr ...well now they are fully grown and have these great big naked necks..... I think in the winter during frost and snow these poor little naked neckies will get cold... I am in a dispute with Paul.. I am wanting to knit some neck tubes to keep them warm! I have asked his mother and she is all for it! What do you think... should I??.... I am not one for dressing dogs up or anything like that, its not for cosmetic purposes its practical!!! they need to be warm! but he thinks im nuts!!!!!!!!

I feel like a pupa!

2008-11-02T22:35:00.004Z

Yes I do, I feel like a Pupa on the underside of a dark tree with the prospects of knowing one fine day a stunning colourful me with emerge... but at the moment I do , I feel like a pupa, locked inside this dark and warm area of my life but I am lookin positive,.... I know it seems a contradictive statement but I do .... the symptoms of the stress are still hovering , some days really bad...but Im still getting out there...today i did a craft stall at the village hall....my father inlaw picked me up and dropped me off and I sat there on my little (big) self and sold £45.00 of my creative little projects to members of the public! Libby came after 2 and a half hrs....I was fine.... i then got a lift home.... the thing that is getting to me the most at the moment is this fear of walking anywhere..... is this a symptom of agraphobia or is it a fear of walking..... i fear to walk because the min' I do the old heart starts to flip and flop... but when i have to walk I get my self so worked up that its gonna do it that it does it anyway!!!! do you understand...what are your feelings on this....do you think im dying or do you think its fear causing these palps when walking about!....anyway here is some photos of my stall.... lets hope the butterfly emerges soon guys............... for us all..................

more courage please

2008-10-25T21:37:00.003+01:00

I rang my mummy the other day in tears....I said mum, I am doing so well but my symptoms are worse...why ..does it mean that I really do have a bad heart....my mum said No Rachel... its because you are going beyond your limits and using your courage and pushing yourself so your body is in constant alert! ....makes sense I suppose!.............................need my symptoms to subside...went to Tesco today and was awful but i carried on ,, Neil said it was prob cos it was extra busy................ I need more courage guys... My next thing is tomo where we are going door to door knocking for neighbourhod watch members....................Oh yes by the way....at christmas we have a Father christmas that goes around the village in a lit up trailor its great well this yr.... we have no one to be father christmas, we have all the outfit , beard, hair etc but no one seems interestedso guess who have offered to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES ME!!!! LOL.... agraphobic SANTA !!! lollollollol..BET YOU ARE LAUGHING ARNT YOU ...i will get some photos on when i do it...all the village comes out to see ...i just have to sit and wave and ay ho ho ho ...... actaully heres one better,,, an agraphobic transexual santa LOL...will def need courage then!

Symptoms worse but tuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-23T09:06:00.003+01:00

Thanks for your lovely comments, I have done so much but the old anxiety is getting me real good but I dont care ( in a sense) they are gonna be because I am taking my self OUT of my normal comfort zone of sitting on the livng room floor doing my crafts and walking to the kitchen!!!!!!!!!!!! Well over the last couple of wekks I have started up a little group with our neighbours as we actually had a stabbing on the corner of our st and it is always the same two families in the village that are constantly causing criminal damage and also violence...It is the main reason for my illness as I talk about in one of my firstposts as I had terrible trouble from one of these families. Any how I gathered some people and organised a meeting in the community centre and got some of the counsellers involved... well last night was the meeting and I heard the chief inspector from police was coming and asbo officer etc... so I was soaking in the bath last night and the old heart was doing a dance an I thought I cant do this...I cant go...so after a few drops of rescue rememdy and a smack i me face I went..... when I got there ..there was about 40 people from allover the village... I was shitting my self... and they put me on the top table with the police etc...... i thought OH MY GOD>>>>IM AGRAPHOBIC I DONT DO THIS>>>> well guys once it started.... i was taking the room by storm I was talking with no fear to this room of people...people were listening to ME as I was stirring them up to form a neighbourhood watch ...it was fab and not ONE PALP!!!!!!!!!!! today I am off up to the school to dress the hall up for the school halloween disco...... like I said the symptoms are bad at the moment but I am sure it is because I am pushing my self to the limit...but I have to do it...other wise im gonna rot and go stale! ill keep u informed ...... xxxxx LOL pic is me thrilled!!!!!

big changes

2008-10-19T20:04:00.005+01:00

Hi guys, I have had an amazing time lately, mixed feelings and a slight positivness that has come out of the blue. Basicaly me and Paul have been going through a rough patch as Paul also suffers from anxiety and also severe depression...it was revealed to me that my illness is affecting him and he is finding it hard to cope..blah blah blah!! like his dont me !!!!! Any way... the last few weeks I have took myself and shook my self and these are the things I have said...

Rachel wherever you are and whatever you do in this short life we have here on earth these symptoms will happen ...BUT...if you try to get on with things and take the symtoms with you and do something active then hopefuly they will dissapear..or I can keep in the house wondering how long Paul is gonna be and quivering because I am on me own and do nothing with my life at all!!!! So.... I decided to do some thing active but do it in my own village, so I have becaome a Parish counseller, a member of the tennants and resisdents association.... im starting a neighbour hood watch, ....getting involved in the community center, im doing christmas dinners for the old bids, activities up at school , i will have my own stall at the christmas fairs ( all 3 of them ) .... and I started a craft course last wed, will be doing that every wed in the wk...... Im still getting the palps but feeling more positive,,, lib was 17 the other day (13th) and me little baby wanted us to go out for a meal, so I did and I loved it...the day after I went and walked about 1/4 of a mile to my freinds house...with out the bike.... I went to town and did some clothes shopping, I have done all this in one wk.... I have pushed myself... and coped...so please say A prayer for me this week that some of these horrid symptoms start to dissapear whilst I get my head busy again!!! the photos are from libs dinner x x x x

Havin a few bad days...............

2008-10-08T20:16:00.002+01:00

Well guys... hello again, I am havin a real strugglin time with these old flutters/palpitations.... I am finding alot of them are coming on with stomach gas and wind... at night time the min' I hit the pillow they start!!!! but after a couple of hrs of releasing gas from my chest cavity it settles and they go ...so weird! I have been told that it is when your heart is stimulated by the vagus nerve which runs from your stomach up through your heart, makes sense ...but I just wish my over sensitized heart would start to settle down and my head would stop focusing on them as half the time this is what it is... i think! I hope! .stay with me guys ...i dont seem to get any comments any more on my blog...please let me lnow you are reading this blog xxxx pic is my rueben!

The missing wench! Cant smile at the mo !!!!!!

2008-10-02T12:07:00.003+01:00

Im still here people... i have not been bloggin cos I will be honest guys I have not felt like it one bit..I feel I have nothing to say due to my borin tedious life of just trying to hold myself together..... I have found myself in the morning being addicted to Sky movies...then the afternoon is here...then its tea time...then its bed time.... I think I am just havin a bad time as sadley watching my life go by!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

am I getting better?

2008-09-22T18:51:00.002+01:00

I really dont know if I am on my way to recovery or what... lately I seem to be having crap days then good days but having longer gaps of good..but the bad are terrible...I still have not conquered the fear of walking about but just feel altogether more positive! I can see light at the end of the tunnel these past few days which is a good sign i think! but then I can come crashing down after a great bought of palpitations or a panic attack in the night etc .... touch wood I have been sleeping better the past 4 nights or so ..thanks to Nytol....

I got offered a job the other day... working for southern electric...£250 a week plus £60 min bonuses a wk..... but its all walking about and you have to go away for a week...so that was a massive NO! I wish I could get a job on the net working from home but everything I look at is a big con! Where are these jobs ..that pay you without you having to invest or download for $100.... If any one knows of any job I can do on the net let me know...truffles are slow...who wants truffles in a credit crunch! signing off...skint and bored!

I love this time of year

2008-09-19T22:45:00.003+01:00

This time of year makes me happy... I love the ripe apples on the trees, the leaves beginging to display thier wonderful artistic array of colours.. the talk of Christmas and the thought of bonfire night with the toffee and scarfes and warmth... this has always been my favorite time of year... when I went into the shop down the road the other day all the all the christmas things were on display and I thought whoooppiieee then I thouht OH! I cant afford ought... LOL.. I think alot of us will be in the same boat this year.. Irealy aint bothered... I can make christms nice with handmade presents and mince pies etc LOL...I bet you could all poke me in the eyes talking of christmas so soon...but its only a few weeks away aint it! so come on guys get in to the spirit... Anxiety level has been a mad mixture this week...at the beginging it was terrible but the last couple of days felt fab...strange aint it.. had two good night sleep but before that I have been up every night with anxiety attacks... started back o the magnesium tablets, lime flower, omega 3 and herbal nytol at night... it does help... Well guys here is a piccy of my ugly naked necks...can you remember Oliver the little baby...well this is a piccy of him now ........ what do you think?

Eastenders and Coro Aint got a patch on my lot!!!

2008-09-14T23:43:00.007+01:00

Well the family feuding is still on the battle ground...Mother falling out with Daughter ..Sister with Daughter...Sister with sister...Daughter with Mother... I have ever known my family to be under this great canopy of bitterness and distress... I have not reveled in this at all..in fact this past few days it has caught up on me big time.... My sister now wears the ring of her intended and seams happy in her shining new piece of expensive gem on her finger flashing about whilst her situation continues to cause discord amongst the people who love her the most...but what can you do ...she will have to make her bed and lie in it...and make the bugga after she's got out...I have never in my life experienced such a personality change from one person as her.... totally different~ self absorbed, selfish individual! and does it all in the name of God!! Wars have started over less! But I can't do any more ... I wish her all the happiness in the world and hope she doesn't suffer for the way she has treat folk but deep down I keep thinking "Equilibrium" ... balance...what goes round comes round ( I believe in this greatly) I will be there to pick up the pieces but maybe it's something she needs to go through.... I know you are wondering what the hell I am talking about! Sorry I just need to get it out.... x

Here are some pics of my bathroom at last..Paul has finished it..apart from my mirror to go up.... need some work doing on it as its big and old ( like me ) xx

Had time to think

2008-09-07T23:50:00.002+01:00

Hi peeps I aint been blogging as I needed some time to sort my head out.... I have been having some major problems with my close family, including my Mother and sister which as so upset me but I have made some decisions and ones that affect all my family but I need to do them. With out sounding big headed ( I assure I aint ) I have been for yrs the person in the family that everyone can reley on...always there at the end of the phone....drop everything for everyone and let my imediate family be affected ( Lib and Paul) well after the experiences I have had with my family this past month I have decided enough is enough...on Fri I absolutly blew my top with my sister over her selfishness and greed but I did it in the wrong way by screaching to the top of my voice over the phone ...unfortunatly it happened to be to my mums house as my sister was there so my Mum heard my terrible Blue language .. but I dont regret anything I said.... I meant ever single word of it..... any way the sad thing is my sister has treated me like crap for long enough and my Mum and dad have not supported me in whats right and moral at all.... I am desperatly always trying to seek my parents aproval by treating them with respect and honouring them ... but I just feel to put it blunt I have been taken the piss of!!!! No more...I love my paernts I realy do ...but i need to protect my self...I have felt sooooooooooo much better since I flipped me lid/vented me spleen/blew me top LOL!!!! SO hopefully it might help my road to recovery as some of the things I said have been waiting to spill from my mouth for 2 years! So will try to carry on me blog...I dont blog as much lately I know... but im still here! so here's the bitch signing off LOL!!!! The new Rachel who dont take no crap!!! I hope!

Yippie .. a few good days!..panic free

2008-08-30T00:06:00.002+01:00

Oh it has been nice these past 2-3 days have been pretty good with Paul leaving me on my own all day on Thursday and rather than being on tender hooks like normal and planning which freinds are in...and who to run too today.... I was fine... In fact he left me whilst I was in the bath..I dont know if any other panic attack sufferers are like this...if so leave a comment...cos its strange... I just feelmore vunerable and scared...prob something to do with being naked and the fact that I would have to get dressed before I run out into the street ( or would I...LOL...Ive been arrested for worse LOL) But anyway I did it...most of the day...I cleaned and ate lunch which is something else I dont like to do if im on my own.... eating is a no no when on me own as I get alot of my palpatations after eating...palps~panic~panic~palps...vicious circle!!!! I even have to plan my meals around going out...for instance If in a morning I need to go down to the shops i wont eat till I get back...as they start straight after about half an hr after ive eaten...I have read alot up on the subjuect and appaerntly is has something to do with the vegas nerve being stimulated nr the gut to the heart and when ur nervos system is to pot then this sends the wrong signals to the heart which makes it irregular and palp away!!! OMG... something strange has just happened to me guys...and i am gonna write it even if you think im nuts...as I was typing ..Im here in my bedroom as Paul sleeps in the other room ( due to my night terrors) and I had a sense that my late sister just came into my room...I could smell her too!!!! Goose bumps going on ere!!!!!!! OHHHHH !!!! how spookie! ,,, Im not scared ..I have had this feeling about 4 times before.... It makes me want to cry as I miss her so much...she has been gone 4 yrs.... any way back to typing my stuff!!! LOL...you must all think im mad ( I am LOL) well Im doing a bit of ramblin tonight but hey! what this corner of my universre for !!! hoping for a chilling weekend! Big brother nearly over so now its x factor that im enjoying!!! so speak soon peeps and thanks for stopping by! xxxxx PS..... someone found this piccy of me the other day...I was 18 yrs old...note the hat!!!! What a laugh eh!

Life's changes

2008-08-26T00:22:00.002+01:00

Well one minuete you have a bouncing baby on your knee and the next she is all grown up and left school and making decisions for her self..... Libby I am talking about of course..my little (grown up) hormonal teenager...she has left school and is a waiting to start college but she is so scared bless her soul...she went to college last Thurs for her induction day and she had been waiting for a freind who never turned up so she walked out in a bit of a panic( not as in a panic attack) just got the jitters.... so we are hoping they let her back in ..got to ring college tomo and sort it out! Well all these goings on has realy been stressing me out..also because me and Paul are on benifits and Libby has left school some financial changes could be taking place and I mean big ones, ...last night I saw the clock round till 5 oclock (felt like proper insomniac) it was horrid with my mind racing around worrying about money etc...paul doesn't work due to health reasons and I can't bloody get anywhere to go to work...but I wish something would come up in my village as I think I am ready to cope and just take the bull by the horns and go out to work as long as it was nr home where Paul could meet me after...so I am gonna look this week for something!!! Phew big step eh! truffles are steady but arnt paying the way as I sill havn't actually made a profit after all my out lay! ...............anyway...any thoughts on how to make some money please let me know....i have even been looking for some of those crappy jobs online but its all scams! earn 500.00 a day! Yeah right! we would all be doing it ! ......well hope u all had a gud Hols.... see ya in the wk xxxxx

GCSE RESULTS! bless her little exam papers!!!!!

2008-08-21T23:26:00.003+01:00

Well guys today was the day...lib went and got her exam results from school....and wait for it..........OH THE REGRETS....."OH MUM, I WISH I HAD DONE BETTER" ...the words echo from my own lips when i recieved my dead end , no hope exam results! But the amazing thing is Libby really didn't do too bad, she did better than her freinds, I cannot tell u what results she got out of resect for her...but I am very pleased...she starts college tomo so really who cares, i think life begins academicaly when you leave school! Mine did, with top marks too. I have had a strange old week, for starters it has gone soooooooooo fsat but the old anxiety levels have peaked a little this week ...also thee past 3 days I have had the most awful heart irregularities, some were even painful, like my chest cavity and throat etc was all tense with every ectopic heart beat.... i have had this before so I know I aint gonna snuff it!!!! ....(famous last words!LOL) SO the weekend, Bank Holiday....I wonder what it will bring...the best thing for me is that we get paid early !!! Mind you then I will cry cos Ill be skint on Monday.... so peeps...I am ok but been better and Paul has been busy ...still with the bloody bathroom...will def photo grapg the bathroom for you when its done ( might bloody frame it too) ......This week I had my first order for a wedding for my truffles so i was well pleased with that! so to u all have a gud holiday this wk end...dont do anything I would do!!! LOL xxxxxxxxxxx pic is of naughty Libby in B&Q!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! say no more

Hoping for a better week without illnes!!! Atishooooooooo

2008-08-17T23:28:00.003+01:00

Oh me luvs, what a horrid few weeks...I have been unwell for a few weeks with a cold and re occuring very swollen glands in my neck ( gone now) It is not often guys that I am poorly or ill apart from the obvious (hence blog !) but as for colds and flues etc I seem to dodge...prob because I aint at the doc for every sniffle like some folk I know.... dont know when I last had antibiotics, well the last time I was prescribed some was when I was having trouble with some tooth but I never took them..... but I am feeling 100% better...I do think I may have had a mild case of glandular fever as when I was 15 I had a really bad case of them ( along with chicken pox at the same time ) and i was off school about 10 weeks and I always remember the doc saying to my Mum, she will at one point in her life have this back in a mild form probably...so this might have been it. But now Paul is badly and even Rueben has been of it ..... Lib is fine Thank God! Well thhis week Lib gets her exam results, I think I am more anxious about it than her although I have told her I will support her no matter what the results, she has got into college so I am pleased as how many of us ever learnt ought at school....I think life begins when you leave! The next few yrs will be the best ones of her life ! Freedom, parties, student vouchers! LOL..Oh I remember them days! But we wont go there! Not on the WWW!!! LOL.... SO Anxiety levels this wk have been crap ! FLutters galore and really I aint been out much at all.... not any where special...the other day I was sat at my computer thinking about nothing really and Paul was out when all of a sudden ...a surge/wave of adrenaline came up through my body ( you know the one) and the old ticker was going ten to the dozen...well I only had a t shirt on and me knickers(thong...... oh the image for you all LOL) and I thought ahhhh....I need fresh air and water...well it had been raining outside so I went and sat on the wet grass under me fav tree and calmed down........ wiv me phone and started taking photos of me flowers to take me mind of things.... so Im there under a bush takin photos of me sen and me tree n flowers in a thong...when I looked up me neighbours daughter was looking at me... ( we dont talk)... I thought BUGA! she must think im a right silly cow. she sharply shut the curtains so I carried on...when Paul came back I erd im shout Rach...where r u... I think He thought " what the hell have i married" when he saw me in me state,, but it's tuff, I would stand on me ed in the middle of the front garden if I made me better!!!!! , any how peeps, thanks for popping by, nearly wrote pooping by then and had to delete LOL!........ speak soon xxx

Ive won An Award?????...I thank you coffeecup

2008-08-12T17:09:00.003+01:00

Well I aint blogged for a while due to being soooooo busy in the house , decorating the bathroom and other stuff and guess what guys...im feeling 35% better and I shall tell you why...I been on a website .... http://palps.chemicalforums.com/cgi-bin/YaBB.pl?num=1218104995 and I have been in contact with a heart doctor!!!!!!!!yes ...me ...a doctor111 He is fab I have heard of him from No More Panic and they assure me he is a real doctor (retired) so I told him every symptom that I get and he explained to me what is happening and that it is all stress ad my body is in High alert mode...since then i have still had them but not half as bad at all...... so i am feeling great ..also on the website folks are the same as me if not worse ....

SO ANYWAY THIS IS WHAT i READ ABOUT ME FROM THE FANTASTIC WEBSITE OF COFFEECUPS (I dont know how to link websites with the title like you do...you will have to tell me) http://theagoraphobicjourneywoman.blogspot.com/

Any way this is what she wrote bless her little cotton socks .....

Rachel (The Bizarre Diary of Rachel Hughes) Effervescing with bubbliness and warmth. A genuinely lovely lady with an eternally optimistic personality even when the chips are down, you'll laugh and cry along with Rachel's diary, all beautifully written in a gorgeous Nottinghamshire dialect

Now int that nice!!! really touched me hun...thank you. I am fine... chocolates are still selling ...just had me first wedding x x x so to all fellow bloggers ... keep reading as I am still here and will never stp blogging... its too good for your mental health LOL!! xxxx

You would be so proud of me!

2008-08-03T23:16:00.002+01:00

Well guys what a FANTASTIC day I have had.... I decided this morning to ask my mate Neil if he wanted to go to the carbooty.... when he said yes I thought " Oh Lord, what have I said" , I asked him if we went to park as nr as he could get as I was nervous walking up the massive hill there is...he mumbled and said he would try... dont have much sympathy does my mate... but to cut a long story short he did which was fab...any way the best bit is that Paul came with me too.... So I set off out of the car with the little heart pattering away and a few flips as I thought can I really do this so I thought right if you panic you can sit down on the grass and chill, so we strated around the stalls and after about 10mins I was absolutly fabulous! I was loving it... me and Paul were like 2 antique hunters and we aquired the greatest of bargains after a bit of bartering etc.... at one point them two went back to the car and left me on my own for about 10 mins... I was nervous but not panicky...when we walked back to the car we had to go up a bit of a hill so I felt that great i marched up it and had Not one flutter or anything! .... Please God let this be the beginging of getting better!!! I feel fantastic , I just hope it carries on...... This is me smiling in my garden today cos I am sooooooo happy! And to add Libby has been a lot better, fab infact and I do believe this has helped me as I am feeling so less stressed xxx Thanks Libby...I love you xxx

The most amazing Day

2008-08-01T09:23:00.002+01:00

Well guys I have had one of the best days in months... Libby asked me to go to her grandma's with her and have lunch... we had a lovely dinner and sat together..libby ignored her phone and laid in my arms for a cuddle, then we played silly games and had a laugh. Then we went home where she said she was going out to see her mates but she stayed in with me and we watched MTV cribs for ages, I was popping over to me mothers to see andrea as it ws her birthday and lib said "Oh I will come too" We ended up in my mums back garden under the light...enjoying the evening untill we saw some massive frogs.... libby started chasing them around... and caught one...so I said..If you kiss it I will give you a fiver....so she bloody did!!!!!! So Im £5 down LOL!!!! Keep calling her wart lips and to hop it !!! LOL....so we had an ace day! No flutters even after going upstairs!! But can I add, when I was at Pauls mums having dinner ll of a sudden in my right eye I had the strangest thing start to happen..it was like a shimmering that got bigger and bigger and had colours in it..then after about 10 mins it went....they were all laughing at me cos I thought I was having a stroke...they said it was a silent /painless migraine and prop' due to my head cold! Scarey though.......but apaprt from that...fab time today...Libby been a dream! Hope it keeps up I really do.... its helping my anxiety loads x piccy is a portrait done of libby by my sister when lib was about 2 yrs old ace int it!!!! them were the days xx

So run down and full of cold!

2008-07-30T22:08:00.004+01:00

Well peeps, I have just finished it off! The week has been crap and now have a big red nose! (shame it int christmas, rudolf could have had a night off) and me glands are really up!...Paul is sick of me blowing me hooter but its tuff!!! I have to listen to his banjo playing! I feel ok but look like crap and have a really bad cold! My mum said its good that me glands are up cos it means im fighting it! She will say ought so I dont panic...cos I mentioned Lymph cancer! but im sure she is right LOL!!! In fact Paul keeps sneezing now..but of course he wont have a cold he will have Man flue or other wise known as bubonic typhoid virus colditess!!! Well today i have had a good day with the old anxiety ..hardly any flip flops in the old heart area! Prob cos im more worried about me MUMPS! (cos ive been through that one too LOL) ,, Me and Libby are better...she has been to her nan's for a few days...said she was leaving home last wk but now she misses me and wants to come home! (knew she would cos she loves her mummy) I was glad as I hate her not being here..I missed her so much too! SO things are looking up ...im feelin better in myself... just this stinking cold! .....the picture isnt me by the way...its just what I look like LOL

floods~not of the rain type......My tears

2008-07-27T16:52:00.002+01:00

I have had the most emotional week of my life...everything has come to a head... I have never felt so near to ending it all on Thusrday... I had fall outs with Libby and Paul...Paul had told his Mum a week ago that we were splitting up (news to me) but on thurs when I came home from my mothers he was in floods of tears and told me how he had been feelin..... This are alot better now...i think we all needed to get stuff off our chests...And we definatly did for sure... Me and aul are gonna make some changes to our relationship and Libby is going to her nans for a wk or 2 to try and sort her head out ( thank God) . I obviously feel that its my panic attacks that are doing this to the family but I have stressed to them all that I need help...not just to be left on my own all the time ... Libby still being a pain but I really think she will be better when she starts college and gets a place in life at the moment she is more or less in limbo! We all went through it as a teen, wouldn't be normal if you didn't x SO I am hopeing for a better week. we are gonna be starting on the bathroom, we have started the back garden together yesterday.... Oh yes...yesterday, i did loads in the garden with Paul, I was working really hard in the garden, pulling big nettles and I was red hot, my heart was pupming normal and guess what I had no flutters at all not untill later on when i was relaxed....weird int it! But i was well impressed I had none when i exerted my self x so guys, hope you are all well and watch this space cos im wanting calmness in my life from now on... and positivness x x x heres hopeing!

Gotta keep going!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-18T22:44:00.003+01:00

Well guys I have been marvalous if I say so myself... Wed night I had me ftruffle party and stood up in front of 12 ladies and did a demonstration and taster session of my truffles... I was nervous before I got there but the min I got into it I was fine.... But today has been the biggi..... I went to the local market in the next town on in Dinnington ( never been to this market) and was nervous but then after I started off around the market on me own having a great time...not one flutter not one panic...in fact I waltzed back to the car like a looney with heavy bags...when i sat in the car I thought ..ohhhhh no tight chest...no flut fluts! well pleased .... then it was on to tesco...absolutly fine all the way around until the last last isle then all of a sudden a flutter...then another...then another...then panic set in...heart went wonky and I thought right you can bloody go wonky...I put all the food on the belt...packed me bags...i told me freind who was with me (who was not sympathetic at all...in fact he rolled his eyes...which well upset me) and he actually helped me pack but then just walked off and left me to follow ...then I calmed down and everything went back to normal rythm....thank God...but I never rang out..I just let it happen ..I thought it wont kill me...It cant ..... xxxx so how clever am I ...I had another little doo later in the day...so I laid on the floor and spoke to my mum (never told her I was panicin)

Pic is me at me truffle party!

Crap Crap Crap!

2008-07-16T00:12:00.003+01:00

Well I think the title my express how Im feeling! Um I think its a little crap! ... I am bloody sick to death of feeling like this...I want me old self back again...its driving me nuts... I woke up in the night shaking from head to foot... heart pounding then all wonky ..went on for 10 mins but felt like an hr...this horrid trapped life I have at the moment is no joy! I mean for goodness sake im in me 30's ...I should be enjoying life and getting out and about...I wish I could drive..at least I might get out of the village more...As i dont do buses if I can help it.... no control over turning back if i feel dodgy! WHEN OH GOD AM I GONNA BE RACH AGAIN! ?????????? I know people have worse stuff happening in their lives like cancer etc but this is my life...and it is being ruined by this monster "FEAR"............. well today I did a very brave thing...nothing to some folk but somot to me..I went to my Friends to help her clean ready for the decorators coming tomo and she said she had to pop down the street first to the doctors...so I said well I need to go to the Post Office...so I said I would wait in the car in the car park at the doctors! WOW HOW BRAVE AM I!!!! I actually sat in the car for half and hr and waited for her...I nearly lost it 3 times but managed to keep my cool by playing with my phone and texting people I really dont like (LOL) and having in my mind that if the heart started I would run to the road and stop a car to take me home as I know nearly everyone in the village...these survival tactics actually saved me... I know it sounds daft all this but I have a phobia of doctors etc... cant help it..its not a fear or a silly dislike it has gone beyond it to a PHOBIA! even passing my local doctors sends my heart flippin....How the hell do I get rid of it! By going to the doctors??????? Any mental health people out there that can give me some advice please do... Im going now to hopefully go nan nights...sorry that my posts have been solom and borin lately but I suppose it represents my disposition . Nighty nights peeps....PS ..truffle party 2 mo night so hopefuly will sell some...doing really well with them. ANY ONE Want ANY!?????? piccy is me garden last week! will post new one for this wk....colour galore

Im back peeps

2008-07-09T20:25:00.007+01:00

Well what a rough ride it has been..... I have had a gud time with tessa and she is really really easy to look after but my gudness, the anxiety of looking after a child with special needs is hard going due to responsibility, especially when that child is someone elses, but I have enjoyed hercompany, Tessa does not speak so we have to communicate through Makaton sign lanquage, she actually taught me some new words by asking her to sign them to me. I have been making truffles all week, 196 truffles I have made in 4 days LOL!!! Im truffled out!!!!
Well do you wanna hear somot funy (wasn't at the time though) well, you know my "sacred" bike! well today it got stolen out of my garden!!!! I was devastated, my life was ova! No bike...can't go anywhere!! GUTTED! I bought the bike from Paul's Aunty Nelly who is 81 and still was riding this mountain bike up a massive hill to get her carrots and bread etc but it got too much and she let me have it for £25. ....anyhow to get to the point what happened was her Grandson was walking passed our house ( didn't know we lived there! ) and he was a bit tipsy...he saw the bike and took it from the garden...one of my neighbours (Herbert...bless him) shouted after this fellow saying "Oy...thats Rachel's bike" but this guy shouted F.Off...its my grandmas!! He took the bike back to Nelly's proud he had seen her bike in a garden in Langold and had stolen it back for her!...she went into panic saying to him " I sold it...and you've stole it" Luckily when Herbert told us what the guy had said we knew who it was and have managed to get me little blue bell back!...so I Am active again! Phew what a fright! ...ANyway here are some little pic's a couple of me truffles and some of tess a!

Im still here!

2008-07-04T09:17:00.002+01:00

Hi guys I am still here, I have been looking after my sister's special needs daughter who is full time work... I am sleeping there etc and my sis has no internet so I wont be properly blogging till at least next wed..... I am doing well with the responsibility but am struggling big time.... Tessa is easy to look after ...its being away from home that is the prob..Libby is helping me which is good. ... Bye for now xxx

RACHEL'S NEW VENTURE

2008-06-29T17:21:00.004+01:00

I have done it ... managed to throw my self into a new venture.... I have started selling my chocolates (truffles) to friends and family.... But the amazing thing is it has took off like you wouldn't believe...folks are going crazy for them... they are all made with natural ingredients and they are stunning...made to order...tommorow a freind is taking me out to Sheffield (scared) to get some packaging ...I want natural packaging ...like brown bags etc... ihave designed my label and my sister painted my logo,, the name of me company (LOL, sounds weird) is poppypoppops...there is a reason for the quirky name ! Honest.... peeps love it, and remember it! ....the piccy is my logo x

Flavours are:
Sailors delight: Rum
Icecream dream : Vanilla
Macapone Madness: Mascapone/lemon
Irish blarney: irish cream
Chocolate heatwave: chilli
Scotttish bliss: whisky
Romantic rose: Rose
Dark and handsome: plain
Chocoholic: All types of choc together
Nutty Nora: Almond
Orange seduction: Orange
Bee's knees: Honey
Do you like the sound.....
80p per choc of your choice in brown rustic bag or gift box of 6 for £5.50 .... P&P £2.50 for uk
Please email me for any orders....pic's of truffles to follow x

IN LOVING MEMORY OF DAWN WRIGHT

2008-06-26T22:53:00.003+01:00

Today is the anniversary of my loving sister Dawn Wright on the left...she died 4 yrs ago today suddenly with heart failure due to a long illness. Her Daughter Bridgette (my niece ) on the right died 2 yrs before her of anorexia... My sister is buried holding the ashes of her daughter. It has been a sad sad sad day . Bye folks

Dawn I miss you so much, I love you both and will never forget you...every sunset and sunrise, every lovely flower reminds me of your spirit. I know you see me, I know you see me hurting, the best thing of all is you have no more suffering and no more pain but we are left with the longest strongest pain of all, loosing you. The stars sing your praises of your kindness on a clear night and I see you twinkle in the corner of my eye and I smile...the fun,laughs,silly silly times we had, the banging doors and cross words now seem like a feather blowing away in the breeze into the sea of forgetfulness. Nan nights for now little big sis xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Help me guys ...Im fed up

2008-06-23T22:22:00.004+01:00

Im at my wits end...bored...tired and fed up with these ectopics... my life is being taken over again by them.... i am so so so so so so so so so so so fed up..... I really need a job, I think getting back into something will help me get my self sorted.... as I see the pattern that when I am well and truly distracted I am ok.... Well today I went to the super market with ma n pa and I was doing so well, no flutters nothing...then all of a sudden I was walking down an aisle when a massive huge rush of adrenaline went through my body and a feelin of faintness came upon me...my heart pounded a little and my head was swimming...I actually said out loud " Oh dear God whats happening" then everything went back to normal and was fine...but when mum caught up with me I was shakin so she saw me in a state, which I didn't want her too.... I said " Mum ..I just rode out an attack"...so deep down I was happy...so in great Mothers style...she said well come on then and stop talking about it.... so that was it! Went home and had a cream bun! My Mother is so matter of fact, and so get on with it...it sooooooooo wish I was like her, instead I am the image of my Father, a nervous wreck! who is also susceptible to flutters , in fact when he had pneumonia last yr his heart went fully out of sync for about 4 wks but it went back be for they were gonna do the electric shock treatment on him, so it prob is hereditary. Libby has nearly finished her exams and she is still being a typical teen wiv the attitude etc, she is stayin out tonight at her mates house! so I am on edge about that too.... wish she was tucked up here in her little bed xxxx well guys gonna go as I need to be tucked up in mine xxxx

Another yr passin with no summer!

2008-06-22T19:37:00.004+01:00

Well these pics is an image of my garden as you walk up my path... was so stunning the other day I just had to snap a pic!... even though half the flowers arn't even out yet! we do need some sun though for def! Every yr seems the same lately, rain, cloud and then red hot in sept, then suddenly late oct....winter arrives! I swear it dont help your anxiety levels when its like this....come on summer, please shine on us humans! Well I hope we all have a gud wk ... I am praying for a better wk in myself xxxxx

Did it....no probs! And bought clothes!

2008-06-19T23:55:00.003+01:00

Well today Dad picked me up and took me to Morrisons, I had my niece Ruth with me (9yr old Chaperone) as she was off school wiv earache (yeah rite, it was more cos she was doing a play at school an didn't want to do it...bless) anyway....as I was in the car on the way I suddenly found my lips pertrude outwards and my head turned towards my Dad and these words came tumbling out..." Dad, can we go into town first and have a walk around" GULP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!! DID!!!!!!!!! I !!!!!!!!! SAY!!!!!!!!!!!! ...OMG, I can't my heart wont take it...Panic...! But then a peace started up inside of me...I thought Rachel...if you start walking and you panic you turn back and go back to the car...so as I got out the car Dad asked me to go for the ticket...looking at his crippled legs and him with his stick I thought Id better go...got to the machine and the bloody thing was broken...I looked around for another and It was at the other end of the car park.... the old flutters started then, but I thought NO just go...and they stopped! I got back to the car rather flushed..but ok...and then we set off.... As I started I could feel my heart thumping and the ectopic beats came but not for long atall...after the first shop and a little bit of engrosment ( and spending) they went ! I even tried clothes on and bought 3 tops for 13.00 straight away...then walked back to the car pretty fast...went round Morrisons did a massive shop of £120...bagged it, put it in the car! And was fine.... SO I am a happy woman....I can walk about with out dying! and having a heart attack, it is al in the mind and I hate it! SO this is my very long winded story for today! LOL... I bet i do your heads in ! I do me own in xxxxxx The piccy is me today...a happier ME!

One day fine the other day crap

2008-06-18T20:14:00.003+01:00

Have you noticed peeps how anxiety takes turns...I seem to have a crappy day then a gud day....Yesterday my heart was doing flips and flops and really was going funny in bed last night,, in fact this morning when I awoke I was actually scared to move because I thought it would go all funny again, but to my suprise I got up, went on my bike down the street with Sharon,went into the chemist (which I hate cos I think the pharmasist is gonna look at me and say I need medical attention-part of medical phobia) But no flutters, no flips and no flops,in fact I took my pulse on the chemist clock (how sad eh) and it was 72 BPM how perfect is that eh! and I have been not too bad all day! So strange, but when I am havin a gud day I think to myself, Rach, your heart is fine, it's almost as if my heart has become over sensatized if that makes sense as last night in bed I was getting all this irregular heart beat and then I did a massive birp, had a rennie and it was better, back to normal.... wind was makin my heart do these things, weird! So I hope I will have a gud day to mo as its the big supermarket shop x
PIC IS ME AND PAUL.....ACE INT IT! MARDY BUGGERS!
By the way today I defrosted my freezer and gave some things to Sharon to put in her freezer for me whilst mine defrosts... Sharon said whats that..a ball wrapped up in silver foil...I said ..Oh dont let that defrost..its me snowball from easter...she just looked at me and said ....SAD! LOL

Happy Birthday Daddy

2008-06-17T08:20:00.006+01:00

Had a lovely weekend...did lots of baking and entertaining and on Sat It was my Dad's B day (78yrs) so Ma n Pa came and had a little tea, I made him a cake and did salad and homemade bread and also made a flan with goose eggs from our geese ...it was flippin divine...we all really enjoyed it all. Over the weekend I FELT PRETTY GOOD WITH HARDLY ANY PALPS AT ALL!!!! YIPPIE But the past couple of days they are back with a vegence.... not as bad as I have had them in the past...but they are there. I Feel like I am getting there though...I think I am at the point that one day soon these syptoms will fade like it did before yrs ago...I flippin hope so! Life is so strange...this past 2 weeks I have heard of two people who I know of very well die and it makes you really think what is it all about really.... and why are we here... I know all the religions and faiths have the anwser but I have been there and done all that and still have questions un answered!.....any how I wont get into a religious rant today....Libby has got to go to the hospital as her skin complaint has been diagnosed as psoriosos...so she will need treatment for that and of course horrible mummy (me) can't take her cos I dont do doctors ...so Paul is taking her...bless her little soul. She does her last exam next wk then she officially leaves school...gosh where has my little baby gone xxx

Here are some pics from me dads tea xxx bye for now hunny bunnies xxxx

A little bit of me coming back

2008-06-12T22:41:00.003+01:00

Well today I had a moment, a moment of feeling me again...it was only for a short while...does any one know what I mean... I was sat at my Mothers after drying her hair and I thought WOW I aint felt my heart even beating never mind doing any flips or anything... And I felt ace and normal and me.. but this wk I have tried to do the things I used to do ... me and Paul are talking about getting back into growing veggies again next yr, I am starting to collect me jars to make me jams and chutneys again like I used to do ...and I even made some bread tonight by hand which IS STUNNING!!! Me and Paul love being self sufficient and we feel like we have lost something of our selves...I want it back, I want to grasp life with everything I have and enjoy it and try to move on...the biggest hurdle in my life at the moment is walking anywhere without my bike.... I am so scared to walk on own...IS THIS PART OF AGRAPHOBIA? I dont know or am I just nuts or am I dying of heart desease.... the only thing that convinces me I am ok is the fact that when I aint tuned into my own body I am fine..... OH I HOPE I BECOME SANE AGAIN 36 yrs old and wasting all these yrs....I hate it! piccy is me and mummy

Arse over tit.... then an answer to prayer LOL

2008-06-10T23:32:00.003+01:00

Well guys last night I had a shock to the sysytem... I was in a customers garden collecting the Avon book and all of a sudden I lost my footing on the edge of her garden and that was it, my body hurled backwards and nearly did 360 somersault but never...thank God the floor was there, I landed "heavily" on a bike that was carelesly thrown in the garden.... The customer was just stood looking at me in shock as I was laid there with me legs pointing upwards to the bloody sky! She shouted " Oh, are you ok..." and the amazing thing is she never found it funny at all... but I was in stitches, laughing me head off! ... I said I can't believe it but yeah im fine! Neil was sat on the wall waiting for me and when he turned around he said..."what you doing on the floor wiv ya legs in the air" I said " oh, I just thought I would have a rest...daft bugga... when he found out he had missed the whole thing, he was gutted as I trhink he would have been there beside me in stitches ! Any way later last night...the pain arrived, my shoulder was awful and I really was scared as I thought I might have to go A&E.... but I thought I will sleep on it and see how I am today (even thought the arm would really have to be bad for me to go to hospital) but to my utter amazement when I awoke this morning I moved my arm and it was great,,, nothing ...no pain at all... like nothing had happened. Later on this afternoon my Mum rang to see how I was and I said...well mum it was amazing... I could'nt move my arm before going to sleep, I was nealry in tears with the agony but when I woke it was all better...she said.... "Well thats really good as before I went to sleep Rachel, I said a prayer that God would heal your arm and you would wake up fresh ad revived" ... Well Guys, what do you make of that... It was either a coincidence.... or natural healing or devine intervention! But it really touched me that my little mummy laid in bed thinking of me and said a little prayer....maybe we should say a few prayers our selves hunny's. I pray now that all these folks who read this blog and follow my story and are sufferes of anxiety that we will find healing and faith to believe that we will get better.. Amen

Teenagers!!!! UGH!

2008-06-08T11:52:00.004+01:00

Hi guys, I know I have not entered the world of blogging for a while and hit and miss a little, I am confused,I am feeling a bit better about life and things are okart from Libby being a bit of a worry....she has left school now and awaiting to start college to start her training to become a social worker...but she seems to be having a bit of a moment! She is hanging around with some folk who I would rather she didn't and it is a worry, she came home Fri night, she wasnt drunk but she had been drinking and then she was sick the next morning, but talking to a 16 yr old about responsibilities as useful as a chocolate fireguard!!! Her bedroom is like a bomb site...fur in cups and plates with cures for deseases unknown to man! Her attitiude is hidious at times, but she does have a good head on her shoulders and is a good girl, I am just scared that she will go with the flow with th e wrong crowd and bugga up her life altogether. Paul thinks I worry too miuch because she is my only child...prob right, I adore her and I want the best for her..... SO ..this is actually leading to a point honest ... I am fine in my self but still keep having the palps and panic feelings, and still am scared to walk anywhere, need my bike.... do you think I am just worried about Lib ? Can any one with teenagers who reads this give me some advice...please xx

Hi, no I aint left the planet .... Yet!

2008-06-03T21:06:00.005+01:00

Hi Guys,..... Sorry I aint be bloggin, been really busy with the chick chicks, I went to Essex and had a fab journey, had a great time! No anxiety at all, because I had somot to do with my self, occupied! We ended up with 5 ugly buggers (the transylvanian naked necks) 2 Bantam ugly buggers ( soooooooo cute these are the little black ones) and the other 3 are a trio of another breed with beards! favorals! We have named one after Pauls aunty as SHE has a beard! His Aunty Linda! she wasn't that happy about it..... but she's ok now LOL!!! Here is a little vid of me chick chicks! xxxxxx

A Couple of days relief

2008-05-27T22:41:00.005+01:00

Hi Guys .. had a couple of niceish days (not as many palps) at the weekend I did a bit of chilling on the Allotments, Paul actually spent time with me as latley I feel like all I am saying is "Yeah, bye...see you in a bit" whilst im left at home stuck with in a house scared piggin stiff to go out on me own.... so after a cry on Saturday and telling him I actually want to die as I am soo fed up and bored he decided to take the dogs out and go on the allotments... we lit the fire basket and boiled the kettle and had decaf coffee,,sarni's, cake and crisps and pork pie and tomatoes and and and .... x It was great, we went home when it just started to get dark and spooky! I need more days like this..chillin and relaxing and takin my mind off my anxiety. We are off to Essex on Thurs for the 5 Ugly buggers that have been hatched for us...so this will be a big big test for me, it is a long way from home...3 hrs away! So watch this space!

What a load of political Bull !!! Eurovision

2008-05-25T16:46:00.002+01:00

Well another yr that I get excited , Paul has a stroke and everyone laughs at me cos the score sheets are printed out and me cheese board is exsquisite and me freinds (fellow eurovision lovers) come over and wait in anticipation to see the glittered loonatics leaping around and screaching in the name of thier country! But I love it! Paul was actually good last night as he did join in with the scoring for a while, when I looked he had marked them all "Shit Shit Shit" .....But every yr I get more and more dissapointed at the way the UK are treat by other countries! I was very dissapointed at getting 6 points for the whole night and Andy Abraham was fab, one of the best! but oh no, its so bloody political, it prob due to us sill being in Iraq...... but what I dont understand is half the countries have half of thier relations in the UK being looked after by our government.... or taking our jobs..we have an industrial estate in Worksop, Its like a mini Poland (and they gave us NIL POI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ) I am not racist AT ALL , I love different walks of life and customs but its geetin silly now!

As for me nerves ...I have been quite bad again with the flutters but the night times have been fab..sleep right though ! So guys have a good bank Hols and speak Tues x

MY GARDEN

2008-05-21T17:44:00.006+01:00

NO WORDS JUST PICS TODAY!

I NEED A PROJECT

2008-05-20T20:53:00.002+01:00

Wise words from my lovely old mother the other day " Rachel ..you need a project" .. And how right is she... I need somot to take me mind of my own bodily functions ( heart etc) I have been really bad with them today until Neil came and took me out for a ride in the car to see my new baby niece...then they stopped.! How weird is that! Its because my mind was taken off me sen ! Well we go to Essex a week on Thursday so I hope I am gonna be ok... I am a little anxious..I shall sit in the back so I can spread out and chill ... x So guys what project can I have.... I usually start on me craft stuff, as I make cards, salt dough, cross stitch, knitting and wooden plaques but aint done ought for ages x IDEAS ...need to make money too!

Worse day....very sad

2008-05-19T22:15:00.002+01:00

I have had a very stressful day regarding Libby..it was her GCSE Maths exam today and stupid school rang me to say Lib wasn't there in her exam,, i was in a rite state..then they rang to say ...oh she was... she was sat in the wrong seat....gormless that school ...I am glad she has left but it has caused me loads of stress... and also today I had to see her college tutors about her getting in for SEPT.... it has made me poorly all day...palps none stop after being upset...and before that I was helping pauls aunty cleaning and was really busy cleaning her whole house top to bottom with no palps at all....just proves its anxiety!!!!! fed up today....will i eva get bloody better....roll on sat, i have a euro-vision party (sad) just made me score sheets wiv me little flags on (sadder) xx nan nites xx

YIPPIE....IM SMALLER!

2008-05-18T16:16:00.004+01:00

Hi peeps, I have been feeler a little bit better... not got the constant flutters ...just the odd ones..Thank God for that ...it is horrid when u get them all the time like that.... Any way the excitement of the title is the fact I have now lost 10 pounds....No not in money but in weight so it is coming off slowly but surely.... So I am well please ! Last night I went out to a sports centre with some Churchy freinds who I have known for yrs and Lib came with me too.... she really wanted me to go as they had a fake ice rink.... Its the strangest bloody stuff I have ever been on.... like going on a load of chopping boards with Ice skates...really weird! But the fact is ....I DID IT! And spent some quality time with Libby! I was fluttering like a bugga most of the time but I was anxious and nervous just being there...But I did it! ..... the piccy is me n Lib, and lib on ice wiv me sisiters boyfreind, and me n neil! x SO I am hoping this wk will be a gud un!

ALL A FLUTTER

2008-05-16T18:13:00.002+01:00

Hi Guys...I have had the worst two days with my heart going all wonky and yesterday I just had the old flutters all blinding day! I know a few of you get them as you ave spoken about them.. and I know they are harmless but they r bloody annoying arn't they.... but I must carry on I know... I just wish I could nip to my GP to see if I am ok , for peace of mind but the thought of even entering those doors is enough to send me into a severe panic attack...I have to most hidious phobia of doctors.... I know deep down I am ok as I have had these on and off for years...I think I would be dead by now LOL xxx

GREAT AUNTY BROODY RACHEL

2008-05-14T21:48:00.002+01:00

Awwwwwww! Do you like me brand new little 48 hr old little baby ...my ..great niece? Hannah, she is a beaut' ! Well guys I feel like crap again, flutters are back but are worse the min I get in bed which I know is common in "flutter folk"..... Paul is unwell with his depression which makes me feel worse... he has some very black days and I hate it! .......I should be ok in a few days. Did I tell you my bike broke....well my wonderful freind Sharon who you have seen on here came the other day wiv a present for me... her bike...with 1 wheel ..as she had hers nicked and the gits destroyed the wheel..so she even came with a spanner ( in her handbag LOL) and took the good wheel from my bike and put it on hers...so I can lend it for a couple of months till I get one ...Bless her..int that a good friend eh!?! I dont know how to get rid of this anxiety...the other week I had no heart stuff and thought ..Yeah Im getting there...although I still feel mentally better, I can do more things and go more places with out thinking about it and getting worked up about it....even just going away at the weekend was a massive step as a few months ago I wouldn't dare have gone... Anyway im off now so hope you like me piccy which me sister took tonight! xxxxx bye for now

HONEY'S IM BACK....... LOL

2008-05-12T22:19:00.008+01:00

Well Guys have you missed me, I had a great time away, was well relaxed although I had a struggling time at night in bed, didn't get to sleep about 3.30am as I was so scared of waking up with a pnic attack that I tried to keep awake! Silly me, (gave me a massive head-ache the next day) But we had a laugh, out in the stunning garden and in the summer house till about 11 pm and the next day we visited a garden centre where I indulged in some MORE plants.

So it was a strange journey... I struggled but I did it and that is the main thing as a few months ago I wouldnt have been able to do it, to stay away from home over night, Sharon had a good time too as she needed it. So on Sun it was me wedding anniversary (17 yrs of being married to the loonatic) been an eventful journey! LOL

so hope you enjoy a few photies, i am hoping I get to feel as good as I did last wk as I feel shite to put it blunt, but on the positive side...I have felt shite'er is there is such a word !

But one thing I am upset about is me bike.... its broke! SO Paul gonna av to look tomo cos I cant handle not having it!

Ok guys...speak laters xxxx

A QUICK BYE FOR NOW xxxx

2008-05-09T13:11:00.002+01:00

Hi guys , just to tell you I am going away for the night and all 2 mo so I will post to you all Sun or Mon, But just to say I feel like shite again, had foul horrid flutters for 3 days and am scared agan, but I am going to my cousins with Sharon my freind, I am nervous but am still biting the bullet and doing it as I will be on me own in a strange bedroom, I woke up last night with a bit of a panic, but fingers crossed I shall be ok,! Am looking forward to it, so speak soon guys. x piccy is me n andrea x

HAPPY BIRTHADAY GARY

2008-05-07T23:21:00.003+01:00

Had a fab day in the garden again, getting out of breath and fit! getting me heart rate up on purpose which is amazing for me as im usually scared, I was running from garden to kitchen with me watering can and I looked up at the clock and took my pulse (naughty habbit I have) and it was about 118 bpm .. I thought ,,oh great its really pumping! Usually I would think ..OMG its going fast but you should get your heart rate up at least twice a day!

Anyhow Its one of our fellow bloggers birthday today, Gary http://livingwith-gad.blogspot.com/

..Gary has anxiety and battles with his panic attacks and has a stunner of a child who has downs syndrome and autism and his wife has been battling with ill health too, its been great to see his progress and even though he has bad days (like us all) I can see an improvement since the begining of the yr...So Gary I hope you have had a smashing day, and I hope this yr brings you happiness and healing xxxx

SUNSHINE~ HEALTH BENEFITS

2008-05-06T23:12:00.004+01:00

What a stunning day it has been ~ I have done sooooo much in my front garden today, I am thrilled...I put loads of plants in after a trip to garden centre and done all me pots and put me tomatoes in! But I have been so hot...too hot...I find when It is hot like this I do get some palpitations but it aint had the horrid ones.... I think everyones heart works harder in the heat but when you are sensitive to these feelings you notice it more.

After my last posting guys I was a little upset as I woke up with a little panic attack that night, but I was having a bad dream...I was ok and I still feel better in myself...gone off my diet a little though so I need to get back on that. So I hope 2 mo is as nice and I hope you are all ok fellow bloggers and I hope you are having the nice weather like me ...It is an all round mental stimulant, just being outside is great! xx

THE NEW ME!!!

2008-05-04T14:58:00.004+01:00

A feel like I have broken a wall down somewhere....my little rutt has been de rutted!!! Somot has happened to this strange being of mine...I am more at ease , free'er from fear and all together in better spirits!!! I aint perfect but this will do ! Its better than the crap I have had for the last yr! Its excactly a yr since the panics set in so lets hope it is a celebration of wellness for this May! Thanks guys for all your help.... I know and am prepared for set backs! (they will come ) and I need to welcome them with a goodbye and embrace the future for what ever it holds! I still need you all BIG time as it still a battle but the strength is stronger to fight it with for now...... I still can't imagine going somewhere big on me own yet..and i aint pushing me self either as thats when I can REALLY set me self back...we all have limitations and I need to learn to accept that...if I cant do it I cant do it!!!! Thats it! xxxxxxxxxxxx

And Another Gud un!!!!!

2008-05-01T21:41:00.003+01:00

Yes another gud day apart from nearly dying at me freinds house... I have a freind who I help at times doing a bit of cleaning and her Daughter is ill in hospital very poorly so we went to her house to tidy around and whilst I was there I started coughing and wheezing as if I had ashma (which I dont have) and I had to open the bedroom window..my throat was on fire...She came up and asked what was wrong.... when I spoke my voice had changed due to the horseness from coughing and spluttering ..I said "I dont know...but the only other other time I was like that was yrs ago when I went to someones house and they had a house Rabbit!!!! As I am very allergic to Rabbits!!" To my despair she said "OH,,,,, She has one and it lived in the other bedroom "...so with that I dropped everything and leapt out the room and down stairs.... she was laughing but I wasnt ..it still hurts now! .. then she had to clean the bugga out so she had flippin hairs on her in the car on the way home so I had to sit at the side of her (as the back seat was down) with me head out the bloody window in the rain like a chuffing afgan hound wit hair flappin about...people lookin at me as if id lost me marbles!!!!!!! ! LOL after some fresh air and a cup of Yorkshire tea i was feelin better.

Someone sent me this photo on face book today..Its me with some freinds on my last day at school (im in the middle ...like a stick!..compared wiv now) LOL

Im scared...... things going to well

2008-04-30T20:55:00.004+01:00

Peeps I aint got time to blog properly tonight but just a quick note to say OMG.... Something has happened to me...and I am scared its short term...I have been walking all around my village all day... I have been everywhere...to the alotments and to do the Avon WITHOUT me bike and in some places on ME OWN! This is the most I have walked on me own in ONE YEAR!!!! I am feeling so much better and lighter and fitter! Hardly no palps! Ive been sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy!!!!! So will speak tomo as I have so much on tonight but just needed to share this wonderful stunning and amazing news (LOL.....do u get the gist)

I BEEN A TRAVELLING!!!!!

2008-04-29T21:52:00.003+01:00

I have had a bloody good day hunny bunnys apart from this-morning when we found little Eunice dead ( the weakest chick) so I was in tears this morning! We have got some eggs in incubators in Essex and Temple Newsam, Leeds by breeders so hopefully we will be succesful this time!

Anyway...back to the good news...I went on the Motorway for 100 miles there and 100 back and was absolutly fine....in fact the palpatations today has been next to none!

Photo is of me and Neil in the van LOL....so another gud un!!!! Well pleased ...and it was great to see some other counrty side and views. xxxxx

YOU WOULD BE SOOOOO PROUD OF ME

2008-04-28T20:35:00.002+01:00

Somot has happened to me today peeps.... Mum rang me this-morning and asked me if I wanted to go to Worksop...you know the town nr me that I aint been to for 4 months.... but she was going in a car park to far from the centre so I went into instant agri' mode! I said to Mum that I would have to stay in the car and wait for them..she said that she might be about an hr as she was getting new glasses. Then Neil rang and said he was gonna meet me in town as I needed to give him my catalog money...so to cut a long un short....Dad drove to the wrong car park...the nearer one and they left me...I was crapping it...so I thought..DISTRACTION and made an important phone call I needed to make ..before long Neil pulled up at the side of me in his car and I asked him to walk with me into the town...he did and I went to about 4 shops....and walked back to the car! Then we went off to Retford and I did allsorts...went to loads of shops and even was left on my own in a shop where I tried some cloths on...got a bit panicky in the changing room as I was undressed and thought "God, what if I panic now and have to run out,half naked" LOL God forbid !!! But I rode it out whilst watching me face getting redder and redder in the mirror! bought some jeans and a top, then went in the charity shop and found a better pair of jeans for £3,29 so I took the others back (tight cow eh) LOL...so guys I am really really proud of myself!....and to add tomo I am going to Catterick tomo wiv Neil so I will be very far from home...watch this space!!! I know you all just want to hug me LOLOLOLOLOLOL

I have a lovely hubby ....for today!

2008-04-27T10:28:00.003+01:00

I came home from my sisters last night as my nephew is staying with me....and "The Legend" had done all me garden....all the horrible weedin ,the lot! It looks lovely! I have a lot of comments about my garden in the summer as it does stand out....lots of gardens are the same in this village, as are the houses ...but ours is very cottagey and if it grows it grows and if it dont it dont! thats my moto! So I am well please!..... had a nice day at Alenas yesterday although I hardly moved LOL but I did lots of drawing with the children so I think they enjoyed it! I did LOL ...will post a photo of me garden later xx

Don't you just hate it when your other half is bloody right!

2008-04-24T21:09:00.006+01:00

Yes , yes I will get eating it! .... Paul was right 2 of the chicks died this morning....very very sad...we think now that the incubator is not working right so we are gonna go to Essex to the place we actually bought the eggs from (will be a long long way) and buy some week old chicks instead! Will be a big challenge going all that way but should be ok wiv my family in the car, Neils gonna take us. So will keep you posted..been a real journey with these chicks I can tell ya! The piccy is Mummy and Daddy wiv one of the well chicks today ahhhhhh! and a special one wiv mummies! Been a sad day in that respect but in another respect a gud un! These are the few things I have achieved today......

1. went tesco wiv neil & felt fine......actualy felt "normal"

2.went to the cafe and had toast and a drink and felt ok

3.went to sharons on foot....no bike!

4.went to the edge of the woods on bike (as its further than Sharons) and met paul who was well suprised to see me sat on the wet grass wiv a big smile

I was fluttering and had to have some rescue remedy but held in there x

I am writing this with a chick under me chin!!! both of em (chins) lol!

NEGATIVE!!!!! OVA AND OUT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-04-23T21:30:00.006+01:00

Im bored, fat,scared,fed-up,skint,panicky,hungry,bedraggled,fluttering!,impatient, married and a LOONATIC! Apart from that Im ok...had a couple of bad days...flutters galore....Paul is doing me head in ...he has put me in a negative mood with his bloody pesimistness(if there is such a word) about the chicks...."oh their gonna die rach....oh they look week...their not eating" then he goes and drinks 4 cans of lager cos he's scared thier gonna die! Like thats gonna help! THEY ARE FINE, healthy, and fit and growing...!
Libby was naughty today too....she came home from school and moaned that I had cooked a dinner, so I threw it though the kitchen window (plate an all, window was open LOL) she was a nasty bugga the way she said it....I think I shocked her! but don't think she will do it again !

Oh I need a good old moan....done me Avon today and got out a bit with Neil, Actually one good thing happened this morning(dont all drop dead with shock of the positivness, if there is such a word again!) but this morning I walked loads doing me Avon all round the streets...was ace...not a flutter...its always when i eat the flutters start....does anyone else get the heart stuff with anxiety...please let me know if you get these symptoms....if these symptoms passed I could get onto the road to recovery! Right guys better go before I depress u all ! Sorry to be a moaning bugga..but hey thats what its all about ...bloggeretting! xxxxxxxxxx nan nights....xxxxxxxxxxxxx

I AM A MUMMY !!! THE UGLY BUGGERS HAVE ARRIVED!

2008-04-21T14:53:00.005+01:00