A head of mixed thoughts and a body of mixed emotions!

Im trying....in my husbands words "yeah , very"..... I am though... I wish my body would connect with my head....does that make sense?...what I mean is...I feel ok in my head..I wanna get out there but my body is saying NO!!!!! but in fact it is the other way around....my body is ok but the head is saying NO....does ya know what i mean LOL...... head sends signals to the body.... der im confused me self now! ... well in the morning im gonna have a go at walking round a small town...it wont be far but i will try........... ahhhhhh scared! but need to go to Wilkinsons as I have put me plastic green house up (well paul has) and I have put some toms in tonight (bought from tinternet...rare types..hierloom seeds) and I have allsorts of flowers to do too! bought some weird seeds from ebay...like black sunflower and chocolate aquilliga... black cherry tomatoes etc....cant wait to see me garden this yr! I love dabblin in the garden and it is so good for you..... althought the past 2 yrs has been bloody crap ... could have grown some Kelp or water lilies! with all the stinkin rain. ..............also another aim is I am gonna go on the sunbed this wk..... I have been gonna go on all wk but im scared...scared of gettin too hot and having palps..and being naked with the palps.... lol...oh the thought!....cos im sick of fake tan... i am goin around like a great big satsuma half the time... i aint ever found one yet that suits me!....need some colour to me ...makes me feel better.....so guys... heres to the wench signing off...till next time! bysey bye lemon pie! my greenhouse is the same as this one!

Sick of feelin like crap

Well I am..... nervous...from the pit of my stomach...still scared to walk far.... I seriously want my life back....sick of it...I aint been bloggin cos whats the point ...its all been bad for so long.... I was feelin better!..... but im worse as ever...I just hope that the good weather will pick me up and give me some hope.... i dont know what to do with myself! ...... how is everyone else feeling??????

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Hiya guys....it was my birthday yesterday and I had a lovely day as much as gifts and cards and messages but all day I felt so stressed and upset. Some trouble in the village upset me, being accused of something I havn't done ...it made me so angry I just wanted go bloody mad! I suppose this is what you get when you put your self on the front line i.e Neighbourhood watch.... yes I am still running it wih my freind and we are doing soooo well, nearly 400 have joined up in our village alone...doesn't this say something....we need it! I live in a littel old pit village and the crime at the moment has gone up and up... but the folk are the same folk (criminals) all the time making peoples lives so miserable...I had a lady call at mine last night because she was just sat watching tv all relaxed when bang...egg on her window...she was alone and scared as she knew the kids wanted her attention to be able to hurl abuse...so she waited till they went and came to my door for moral support...she was shakin from head to toe...ok it was only an egg..that's not what bothered her! it was the intimidation!.......... the frustrating thing about all the stuff going on her (knife crime,car damage,assault,shed robbing,theft from houses,burning cars out,nicking from gardens,scratching parked cars) the Police have their hands tied because the judges are not giving out proper sentancing....slap on the wrist, bit of community service and they are out planning the next crime!......................................... what is it like where you live...??? Is it as bad as here....leave me a comment and let me know x

Right then wench...lets get a grip of things!

This is the quote I gave my self this morning!....... because.. Im still a nervous wreck...im still getting the palps...then no palps...panic... etc blah blah blah... but today I have been thinkin about the good things and I have found improvement...... You know me little electric bike that I have still not given you a peep of me on it yet...well these past couple of weeks I have overcome going places on me own on it.... I now can go down the st to the shops on me own as long as Im on me electric bike...... also today I went to the end of the village to the community house as I was helping prepare dinner for the biddies meal we do for them once a month...Well since Ive started there i have always got a lift! well today without even thinkin about it...I trotted/rode/floated there on me electric bike! ...no probs.... so the agoraphobia is going..... so the big question is this!...??? ...... why the bloody hell am i left with this fear of walkin????? every time i walk i feel so vunerable and my heart pounds and goes wonky and i feel like crap...i can walk about the house all day long.... but walk across the road and I struggle ....I feel I have a phobia of walkin ...goin back to that one day when i had that first horrid attack when riding me bike and excercising...its ever since that one day!...is this fear of excersing logged in my head which makes my heart go wonky because it went wonky that day or am I dyin!?.......................... I just wish I could pop along to the doctor but the thought makes me wanna crwl under the keys of this computer and hide away....talk about burying your head in the sand!..... HELLPPPP ME!!!!!! ....... any way to keep you going here is a piccy of a bike the same as mine.....x

Having a tough time

I should be ashamed of myself I know... no bloggin ..no commentin on other blogs..but I promise I have been reading your blogs everyday! .... but I suppose you could say I am a little down, sapped , drained,fed up, tired and down right pissed off. I feel like I have no future at the moment but am sooooo trying to stay positive...life is almost like being stuck in a stagnant pond unable to move due to being poisened by the shite that surrounds you!.... but I have to ...I was introduced the other day to a dvd, book, website about some positive thinking etc...well it goes a bit deeper than that and I have been tryin to give it a go... here is the link to the site ...have a look...it's rather bizzarre and "different" but if it helps me in my life I dont care if it was purple zebras massaging me daily with lavender oil!..... that sounds pretty gud actually LOL..... LINK.... http://thesecret.tv/ it called " the secret"...basically it is supposed to be the ancient answer to the secret of success, health...life! .... works for some...I actually downloaded the film from a torrent site...very intersesting! ........

Come on lass!!!!!

Well I never..... been terrible...thats all I can say...had flutters all day long for 4 days!!,Been here before and it does ease.... sara if you are reading this do you still get the ectopics and have you had them all day before?.... sorry just needed to ask you hun? ...... I have been fiancially stressed and I do think this is what has done it!............soooooooooooooooooooooooooo skint!...never been this skint in 10 years! to the point of havin hardly no food in the cupboard ...honest... but I have decided Whats the point in worrying ..I dont think ant of my family would allow us to starve!...suppose it all comes down to pride! Any way i did get out in the snow to build a snowman that I named bob who is in me pic.....them two borin buggers wouldnt help me...................................................................................................................... just had panic attack whilst writin this.. had to do a big leap outside to calm down!.... bless I was there upset sat on the kitchen floor and Rueben came up to me a licked my tear ! and sat up close to me...he sensed I was upset...dogs are so wonderful ..especially my Rueben x signin off to try n chill.........................................................WHEN AM I GONNA GET BETTER GOD! I WAS DOIN SO WELL.....WAT'S HAPPENED (CRY CRY)

Set back....It's a long road to recovery!

Well i have had an awful week..... had the old flutters and palps back ...but hey..I have had a gud month... so I shouldnt really complain...I feel less scared because I think.. well Rach.. you had such a gud month with hardly any palpatations ..soI dont think a heart problem comes and goes on its own..... I think it may be due to the fact that I have a heavy cold and have been poorly...Im hopin so ...so this week I need to get up back on me feet and try to get back to where I was before...I have still been getting out and about even with the palps I thought No chance mate are you keeping me in!!... I WENT SHOPPING WITH THEM, BEEN DECORATING AT NEILS WITH THEM ( iN TOWN MAY i ADD) ... and still wizzin like a mad woman round the streets on me bike of course! LOL .... so please say a little prayer for me cos at this moment in time ..."one feels like shite"

... ;o)

sorry for neglect

I have a cold...feel run down...will post soon....just nought to say... panicked last night as heart rate went up but think it is due to virus...read on net it makes your pulse faster! ... so ill be back shortly ... need to get feeling fitter... x x x x x

Another good week ...Im gettin worried!

The title is really true.. you are thinkin,.. she really is nuts,, but I mean it... i feel that good im scared... scared for the biggy...im not 100% normal loony Rach.. i have a long way to go ... but I feel like I have got to the top of the pit ( or hole) with my eyes peekin out but scared of the lion on the other side! ...if that makes sense! .... This week I went out mon to tesco with Mother... and visited a lovely charity shop on way there... Wed I went to my freinds to help her on her computer.... Thursdy I went to the BIG tesco and did my BIG shop..... and the even better news is this...... you know I have a safety blanket called "my bike" well i can only go so far in the village on the bike ...say 2 streets away...the reason being ...if I panic and my heart starts racing then peddlin home will make it race more.... so this is what is in my head when out on the bike.... so for a while now I have been thinkin I could do with an electric bike...so if i panic I can press the button and with out effort get home! ... but they are around 300 sqid... the lady across the rd has one and I often look at her on it thinkin " if only".... well the other day I went to see her about something and she told me she had got a new one...350.00... so my eyes lit up and I said are you selling the other one...she smiled and said..I was thinkin of you and wondered and she is sellin for 100.00.......... yippieeeeeeee.e..... Im havin it if I can get this money together before she sells it to someone else...this is as good as a car for me..... I can have it in a couple of weeks when hers comes... I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo excited..I just need to scrape together 100.00.... as I am truely broke at the moment... but I shall have to find a way! ... might sell me body! that got your attention LOL... (was a joke) ..... so I shall be able to go further a feild and prob go places on my own... def the shops! .... so guys watch this space! heres hopeing next week is as good as the last! x
WHy do i always give you photos of me!! ... i just thought i looked well on this one... bright n cheerful! LOL.... just a poser really..paul said!

Is this it I wonder

First of all thanks all for your comments regarding my Blog Anniversary/Birthday..so kind and sweet. Well the good news is im still doing ok...... Im not doing loads and going loads of places yet but its the symptoms that are feeling so much better. Last night I went to Andreas to her Parents leaving doo and they got out the wii fit ...I thought "Oh no"... they all went on doing the stuff and they were saying " Go on Rach!" but i was thinking.... no what if I have a panic attack.......... well I never , I beat the whole bloody lot of them.... couldnt believe it!!!! dont think they could either! .... after the first lot I did get a few flutters but after that, I never noticed if I did or didn't..... next week I am gonna help Paul up at the allotments so that is excercise too. ..... I just hope this is the way to go ... I have felt a difference with my heart beat... I feel like its getting back to a steady rythm.... maybe because the stresses have eased a little... I just need to keep occupied. The lady who I help in the community is actually off for 5 weeks in Cyprus so I will be a little lost there for def! But I am gonna try to go up to school myself.... that will be a challenge to go up School Rd by myself as that is where all the trouble started for me, so will give it a go. ...... Oh freinds I pray we all get better this yr..... I really do. We need a break don't we. I know I might never go anywhere by myself etc as I have been like that for 10 yrs or so.... but just to get rid of these awful heart doo's will be fab!..... im half way there...this time last yr, was having them all day, through the night....now it's odd batches... it's the walking i need to combat now. ...sorry for wafflin! ....se ya soon x x x x x

Happy Birthday to my blog!!

Well the easter eggs have been scoffed... the rain came ( that was summer) the leaves fell...and the jingling of bells (rudolf coming to my house) Yes....a whole yr has passed!!!!! I have been blogging for a whole yr! ....wow.... I have met (virtually) some fantastic people who have inspired me...I would like to thank some special people on here..... we have coffecup, Diver,Robert,Sarah who have been followers of my little insane corner of my satalite!.... i can honsestly say.... I feel like I am on the road to recovery.... I am having more good days than bad days.... I just need to take time and not over push myself...I shall still be bloggin if you dont mind! .... I am prepared for set backs...they are normal! .... in fact when i have a whole week where I am sooo bad all this goes out the window but I can say since my HUGE panic attack on Christmas eve I have been fab! ..hardly any palps...and gettin about..although I have took small steps. I still know how I feel in my head... intead of staying in i am having a yearning to go out...cant wait for summer.... looking forward to trying to go for walks in the woods....etc...so does hubby! ...... so happy birthday to my blog...thankyou blogspot for the oppertunity to express my self to so many and also I have had feedback from people saying my blog has helped them...so there is a reason for it all isnt there x x x x x x x x

Happy New Year to you all

What an oppertunity to say " Happy New Year " to so many..... glasses raised to a healthy...healing new year!........ i love you all and am looking orward to some major changes in my lie this year...at the end o the day it is down to me aint it!

Love Rach

Birthday blog is on 8th Jan 9 ( 1 yr of bloogin)....

My new face book friends

Ahhhh Im so happy... I have had 3 new facebook freinds from my blog and also from NMP website ... it is really great to be able to chat online to folk who really really know what you are going through! I have found so many new Friends since having anxiety disorder...its he best thing that has come out of it all.... there is a reason for everything we go through....so to all you peeps who have been so good to me...Thank you...Thank you so much for your support and efforts to keep me sane..... we need to keep in touch with each other especially when companies are going bankrupt...I even thought about the blogging world...what if blog spot go under!!! how would i contact folk....so get on to face book and add me as a friend (Rachel Hughes was parsons) or add me to your msn.... honeysuckleshop@msn.com......... make sure we stay together cos i wouldn't cope with out you all x x x x x x

My nutty Christmas 2008

Hi Folks...Firstly " Mery Christmas to you all" and I hope you had a fantastic day..... I have had a mixed emotions time over this Christmas... too be honest I have been stressed to bugga.... taken too much on.... done too much fartin about and got me self ito that much of a state have had 3 MAJOR panic attack..... one to the point of near collapse on Christmas eve... 1 hr.... heart got stuck in an ectopic rythm one after the other,,,sheer adrenaline.... fear breedin fear and all that..despite all this negative crap...ive ploughed on.... The fri I did do the "Mother CHristmas thing and I did sing my merry heart out on the back of the float...all around the streets of my village...I had Andrea following in the car as a back up..just in case it became a little too much for me and I panicked but i was fine...with 100 people following .... scarey but lovely...x The other thing I conquered wich I still am stunned I did was the super market... went shoppin to Morrisons and I really dont know to this day how I did it!!! It was heaving!...... Libby came to help but she was a bit of a pain in the arse as she really doesnt understand my panic attacks... so i think the Panic attacks have been just delayed stress reaction as today i have been out and have been very chilled...hoping I sleep and dont wake with an attack like I have been . ANy way here are some pics from me being Ma Christmas...I had to strighten my hair to get the bloody hat on! x x x x x well roll onto the new yr... speak soon my little Christmas Puddings x x x x

Tis the season and all that!!!

Well guys how are you all feeling...I really dont know but I do Thank the good Lord above for internet shoppin! every and I mean Every present has been bought from the internet! Its great! I have not had to do busy bustling queues or crammed shops like Primark... being the 30th in the queue with a 99p bargain cos I just cant resist.... so thank you Ebay...thank you Lakeland and Thank you Amazon ..... youve really helped an agoraphobics christmas.... LOL .... as for feelin well.. Im having a good patch...just been through a bad one now its a good one.... But im nervous for Fri ...its the biggie....me on the back of a lorry dressed as Mother Christmas ( as we have a santa now) ..... with a microphone singing down every street in the village.... I cant believe Im doing this.... I cant walk to the corner shop some days but Im gonna do this.... mind you I have me saftey nets ready...EVERYONE on the lorry knows I suffer with P.A's and I have our Andrea drivin at the back of the lorry to make me know if I want off I can! So knowing that.. I will prob be ok! ....... so photos will be on ere.... wait till you see what I am wearing! OMG ...like somot from Ann Summers! LOL...well not quite but not far off... a small! ( as in length of course) being a size 18-20.... mini red dress! with netting under the skirt and a cape and hat and black boots! I was tempted to go with the fishnets but thought better of it seeing as I am waving to children! ....LOL.... so Im officially ready for crimbo...me 9ft tree came this morning! (only 20.00) Got pine needle rash! ...me and Paul nearly divorced this morning.......and after noon as it took that long to do ...we always fall out cos Pauls like a Grinch/humbug this time of yr...I keep theatening 3 spirits will be visiting but he is still a bAHHH humbug! ..Men are terrible for it I think....we do the bloody lot dont we girls and they sit moaning! My Dad was the same.... Is the same LOL..... One yr I was only 17 and Dad kept saying...dont get me ought.... dont want ought..so I got a massive box and wrapped it up with a toothbrush inside .. a travel one at that.... and he actually shed a tear ...so he never says it now! LOL..cured that one ! I am a bitch! but it was funny at the time.... so bysey bye for now peeps..... enjoy your festivities.... Ive made 120 mince pies in 6 days cos of all me visitors............................ PS .... is anyone on face book....I am Rachel Hughes was Parsons if you wanna add me........ bye 4 now .... xxxx God what a waffle!