am I getting better?

I really dont know if I am on my way to recovery or what... lately I seem to be having crap days then good days but having longer gaps of good..but the bad are terrible...I still have not conquered the fear of walking about but just feel altogether more positive! I can see light at the end of the tunnel these past few days which is a good sign i think! but then I can come crashing down after a great bought of palpitations or a panic attack in the night etc .... touch wood I have been sleeping better the past 4 nights or so ..thanks to Nytol....

I got offered a job the other day... working for southern electric...£250 a week plus £60 min bonuses a wk..... but its all walking about and you have to go away for a week...so that was a massive NO! I wish I could get a job on the net working from home but everything I look at is a big con! Where are these jobs ..that pay you without you having to invest or download for $100.... If any one knows of any job I can do on the net let me know...truffles are slow...who wants truffles in a credit crunch! signing off...skint and bored!

I love this time of year

This time of year makes me happy... I love the ripe apples on the trees, the leaves beginging to display thier wonderful artistic array of colours.. the talk of Christmas and the thought of bonfire night with the toffee and scarfes and warmth... this has always been my favorite time of year... when I went into the shop down the road the other day all the all the christmas things were on display and I thought whoooppiieee then I thouht OH! I cant afford ought... LOL.. I think alot of us will be in the same boat this year.. Irealy aint bothered... I can make christms nice with handmade presents and mince pies etc LOL...I bet you could all poke me in the eyes talking of christmas so soon...but its only a few weeks away aint it! so come on guys get in to the spirit... Anxiety level has been a mad mixture this week...at the beginging it was terrible but the last couple of days felt fab...strange aint it.. had two good night sleep but before that I have been up every night with anxiety attacks... started back o the magnesium tablets, lime flower, omega 3 and herbal nytol at night... it does help... Well guys here is a piccy of my ugly naked necks...can you remember Oliver the little baby...well this is a piccy of him now ........ what do you think?

Eastenders and Coro Aint got a patch on my lot!!!

Well the family feuding is still on the battle ground...Mother falling out with Daughter ..Sister with Daughter...Sister with sister...Daughter with Mother... I have ever known my family to be under this great canopy of bitterness and distress... I have not reveled in this at all..in fact this past few days it has caught up on me big time.... My sister now wears the ring of her intended and seams happy in her shining new piece of expensive gem on her finger flashing about whilst her situation continues to cause discord amongst the people who love her the most...but what can you do ...she will have to make her bed and lie in it...and make the bugga after she's got out...I have never in my life experienced such a personality change from one person as her.... totally different~ self absorbed, selfish individual! and does it all in the name of God!! Wars have started over less! But I can't do any more ... I wish her all the happiness in the world and hope she doesn't suffer for the way she has treat folk but deep down I keep thinking "Equilibrium" ... balance...what goes round comes round ( I believe in this greatly) I will be there to pick up the pieces but maybe it's something she needs to go through.... I know you are wondering what the hell I am talking about! Sorry I just need to get it out.... x

Here are some pics of my bathroom at last..Paul has finished it..apart from my mirror to go up.... need some work doing on it as its big and old ( like me ) xx

Had time to think

Hi peeps I aint been blogging as I needed some time to sort my head out.... I have been having some major problems with my close family, including my Mother and sister which as so upset me but I have made some decisions and ones that affect all my family but I need to do them. With out sounding big headed ( I assure I aint ) I have been for yrs the person in the family that everyone can reley on...always there at the end of the phone....drop everything for everyone and let my imediate family be affected ( Lib and Paul) well after the experiences I have had with my family this past month I have decided enough is enough...on Fri I absolutly blew my top with my sister over her selfishness and greed but I did it in the wrong way by screaching to the top of my voice over the phone ...unfortunatly it happened to be to my mums house as my sister was there so my Mum heard my terrible Blue language .. but I dont regret anything I said.... I meant ever single word of it..... any way the sad thing is my sister has treated me like crap for long enough and my Mum and dad have not supported me in whats right and moral at all.... I am desperatly always trying to seek my parents aproval by treating them with respect and honouring them ... but I just feel to put it blunt I have been taken the piss of!!!! No more...I love my paernts I realy do ...but i need to protect my self...I have felt sooooooooooo much better since I flipped me lid/vented me spleen/blew me top LOL!!!! SO hopefully it might help my road to recovery as some of the things I said have been waiting to spill from my mouth for 2 years! So will try to carry on me blog...I dont blog as much lately I know... but im still here! so here's the bitch signing off LOL!!!! The new Rachel who dont take no crap!!! I hope!