Oh it has been nice these past 2-3 days have been pretty good with Paul leaving me on my own all day on Thursday and rather than being on tender hooks like normal and planning which freinds are in...and who to run too today.... I was fine... In fact he left me whilst I was in the bath..I dont know if any other panic attack sufferers are like this...if so leave a comment...cos its strange... I just feelmore vunerable and scared...prob something to do with being naked and the fact that I would have to get dressed before I run out into the street ( or would I...LOL...Ive been arrested for worse LOL) But anyway I did it...most of the day...I cleaned and ate lunch which is something else I dont like to do if im on my own.... eating is a no no when on me own as I get alot of my palpatations after eating...palps~panic~panic~palps...vicious circle!!!! I even have to plan my meals around going out...for instance If in a morning I need to go down to the shops i wont eat till I get back...as they start straight after about half an hr after ive eaten...I have read alot up on the subjuect and appaerntly is has something to do with the vegas nerve being stimulated nr the gut to the heart and when ur nervos system is to pot then this sends the wrong signals to the heart which makes it irregular and palp away!!! OMG... something strange has just happened to me guys...and i am gonna write it even if you think im nuts...as I was typing ..Im here in my bedroom as Paul sleeps in the other room ( due to my night terrors) and I had a sense that my late sister just came into my room...I could smell her too!!!! Goose bumps going on ere!!!!!!! OHHHHH !!!! how spookie! ,,, Im not scared ..I have had this feeling about 4 times before.... It makes me want to cry as I miss her so much...she has been gone 4 yrs.... any way back to typing my stuff!!! LOL...you must all think im mad ( I am LOL) well Im doing a bit of ramblin tonight but hey! what this corner of my universre for !!! hoping for a chilling weekend! Big brother nearly over so now its x factor that im enjoying!!! so speak soon peeps and thanks for stopping by! xxxxx PS..... someone found this piccy of me the other day...I was 18 yrs old...note the hat!!!! What a laugh eh!
Saturday, 30 August 2008
Tuesday, 26 August 2008
Well one minuete you have a bouncing baby on your knee and the next she is all grown up and left school and making decisions for her self..... Libby I am talking about of course..my little (grown up) hormonal teenager...she has left school and is a waiting to start college but she is so scared bless her soul...she went to college last Thurs for her induction day and she had been waiting for a freind who never turned up so she walked out in a bit of a panic( not as in a panic attack) just got the jitters.... so we are hoping they let her back in ..got to ring college tomo and sort it out! Well all these goings on has realy been stressing me out..also because me and Paul are on benifits and Libby has left school some financial changes could be taking place and I mean big ones, ...last night I saw the clock round till 5 oclock (felt like proper insomniac) it was horrid with my mind racing around worrying about money etc...paul doesn't work due to health reasons and I can't bloody get anywhere to go to work...but I wish something would come up in my village as I think I am ready to cope and just take the bull by the horns and go out to work as long as it was nr home where Paul could meet me after...so I am gonna look this week for something!!! Phew big step eh! truffles are steady but arnt paying the way as I sill havn't actually made a profit after all my out lay! ...............anyway...any thoughts on how to make some money please let me know....i have even been looking for some of those crappy jobs online but its all scams! earn 500.00 a day! Yeah right! we would all be doing it ! ......well hope u all had a gud Hols.... see ya in the wk xxxxx
Thursday, 21 August 2008
Well guys today was the day...lib went and got her exam results from school....and wait for it..........OH THE REGRETS....."OH MUM, I WISH I HAD DONE BETTER" ...the words echo from my own lips when i recieved my dead end , no hope exam results! But the amazing thing is Libby really didn't do too bad, she did better than her freinds, I cannot tell u what results she got out of resect for her...but I am very pleased...she starts college tomo so really who cares, i think life begins academicaly when you leave school! Mine did, with top marks too. I have had a strange old week, for starters it has gone soooooooooo fsat but the old anxiety levels have peaked a little this week ...also thee past 3 days I have had the most awful heart irregularities, some were even painful, like my chest cavity and throat etc was all tense with every ectopic heart beat.... i have had this before so I know I aint gonna snuff it!!!! ....(famous last words!LOL) SO the weekend, Bank Holiday....I wonder what it will bring...the best thing for me is that we get paid early !!! Mind you then I will cry cos Ill be skint on Monday.... so peeps...I am ok but been better and Paul has been busy ...still with the bloody bathroom...will def photo grapg the bathroom for you when its done ( might bloody frame it too) ......This week I had my first order for a wedding for my truffles so i was well pleased with that! so to u all have a gud holiday this wk end...dont do anything I would do!!! LOL xxxxxxxxxxx pic is of naughty Libby in B&Q!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! say no more
Sunday, 17 August 2008
Oh me luvs, what a horrid few weeks...I have been unwell for a few weeks with a cold and re occuring very swollen glands in my neck ( gone now) It is not often guys that I am poorly or ill apart from the obvious (hence blog !) but as for colds and flues etc I seem to dodge...prob because I aint at the doc for every sniffle like some folk I know.... dont know when I last had antibiotics, well the last time I was prescribed some was when I was having trouble with some tooth but I never took them..... but I am feeling 100% better...I do think I may have had a mild case of glandular fever as when I was 15 I had a really bad case of them ( along with chicken pox at the same time ) and i was off school about 10 weeks and I always remember the doc saying to my Mum, she will at one point in her life have this back in a mild form probably...so this might have been it. But now Paul is badly and even Rueben has been of it ..... Lib is fine Thank God! Well thhis week Lib gets her exam results, I think I am more anxious about it than her although I have told her I will support her no matter what the results, she has got into college so I am pleased as how many of us ever learnt ought at school....I think life begins when you leave! The next few yrs will be the best ones of her life ! Freedom, parties, student vouchers! LOL..Oh I remember them days! But we wont go there! Not on the WWW!!! LOL.... SO Anxiety levels this wk have been crap ! FLutters galore and really I aint been out much at all.... not any where special...the other day I was sat at my computer thinking about nothing really and Paul was out when all of a sudden ...a surge/wave of adrenaline came up through my body ( you know the one) and the old ticker was going ten to the dozen...well I only had a t shirt on and me knickers(thong...... oh the image for you all LOL) and I thought ahhhh....I need fresh air and water...well it had been raining outside so I went and sat on the wet grass under me fav tree and calmed down........ wiv me phone and started taking photos of me flowers to take me mind of things.... so Im there under a bush takin photos of me sen and me tree n flowers in a thong...when I looked up me neighbours daughter was looking at me... ( we dont talk)... I thought BUGA! she must think im a right silly cow. she sharply shut the curtains so I carried on...when Paul came back I erd im shout Rach...where r u... I think He thought " what the hell have i married" when he saw me in me state,, but it's tuff, I would stand on me ed in the middle of the front garden if I made me better!!!!! , any how peeps, thanks for popping by, nearly wrote pooping by then and had to delete LOL!........ speak soon xxx
Tuesday, 12 August 2008
Well I aint blogged for a while due to being soooooo busy in the house , decorating the bathroom and other stuff and guess what guys...im feeling 35% better and I shall tell you why...I been on a website .... http://palps.chemicalforums.com/cgi-bin/YaBB.pl?num=1218104995 and I have been in contact with a heart doctor!!!!!!!!yes ...me ...a doctor111 He is fab I have heard of him from No More Panic and they assure me he is a real doctor (retired) so I told him every symptom that I get and he explained to me what is happening and that it is all stress ad my body is in High alert mode...since then i have still had them but not half as bad at all...... so i am feeling great ..also on the website folks are the same as me if not worse ....
SO ANYWAY THIS IS WHAT i READ ABOUT ME FROM THE FANTASTIC WEBSITE OF COFFEECUPS (I dont know how to link websites with the title like you do...you will have to tell me) http://theagoraphobicjourneywoman.blogspot.com/
Any way this is what she wrote bless her little cotton socks .....
Rachel (The Bizarre Diary of Rachel Hughes) Effervescing with bubbliness and warmth. A genuinely lovely lady with an eternally optimistic personality even when the chips are down, you'll laugh and cry along with Rachel's diary, all beautifully written in a gorgeous Nottinghamshire dialect
Now int that nice!!! really touched me hun...thank you. I am fine... chocolates are still selling ...just had me first wedding x x x so to all fellow bloggers ... keep reading as I am still here and will never stp blogging... its too good for your mental health LOL!! xxxx
Sunday, 3 August 2008
Well guys what a FANTASTIC day I have had.... I decided this morning to ask my mate Neil if he wanted to go to the carbooty.... when he said yes I thought " Oh Lord, what have I said" , I asked him if we went to park as nr as he could get as I was nervous walking up the massive hill there is...he mumbled and said he would try... dont have much sympathy does my mate... but to cut a long story short he did which was fab...any way the best bit is that Paul came with me too.... So I set off out of the car with the little heart pattering away and a few flips as I thought can I really do this so I thought right if you panic you can sit down on the grass and chill, so we strated around the stalls and after about 10mins I was absolutly fabulous! I was loving it... me and Paul were like 2 antique hunters and we aquired the greatest of bargains after a bit of bartering etc.... at one point them two went back to the car and left me on my own for about 10 mins... I was nervous but not panicky...when we walked back to the car we had to go up a bit of a hill so I felt that great i marched up it and had Not one flutter or anything! .... Please God let this be the beginging of getting better!!! I feel fantastic , I just hope it carries on...... This is me smiling in my garden today cos I am sooooooo happy! And to add Libby has been a lot better, fab infact and I do believe this has helped me as I am feeling so less stressed xxx Thanks Libby...I love you xxx
Friday, 1 August 2008
Well guys I have had one of the best days in months... Libby asked me to go to her grandma's with her and have lunch... we had a lovely dinner and sat together..libby ignored her phone and laid in my arms for a cuddle, then we played silly games and had a laugh. Then we went home where she said she was going out to see her mates but she stayed in with me and we watched MTV cribs for ages, I was popping over to me mothers to see andrea as it ws her birthday and lib said "Oh I will come too" We ended up in my mums back garden under the light...enjoying the evening untill we saw some massive frogs.... libby started chasing them around... and caught one...so I said..If you kiss it I will give you a fiver....so she bloody did!!!!!! So Im £5 down LOL!!!! Keep calling her wart lips and to hop it !!! LOL....so we had an ace day! No flutters even after going upstairs!! But can I add, when I was at Pauls mums having dinner ll of a sudden in my right eye I had the strangest thing start to happen..it was like a shimmering that got bigger and bigger and had colours in it..then after about 10 mins it went....they were all laughing at me cos I thought I was having a stroke...they said it was a silent /painless migraine and prop' due to my head cold! Scarey though.......but apaprt from that...fab time today...Libby been a dream! Hope it keeps up I really do.... its helping my anxiety loads x piccy is a portrait done of libby by my sister when lib was about 2 yrs old ace int it!!!! them were the days xx