Friday, 29 February 2008

Windy !!!!!

At the mo all I can hear is howls, bangs, clanks,and whistles!.......... Bloody scarey!!!!

Thursday, 28 February 2008

Vunerable and insignificant!


You know I can't believe the people who I have spoken to that have been terrified by the tremor! I was scared but I have heard of some peeps going hysterical and it made me wonder about two major points.
1. How the hell do folk cope when thousands are killed by quakes that measure like 8-9 on the scale thingy!

2. After watching some CCTV footage of the quake from a friend today it hit home how venerable we are and how insignificant too... All the big wig people in on earth fighting for power and greed... It would take just one natural disaster to end it all...... In the end NATURE is the winner and in control and it is one big battle between Man and Mother Nature... If Man looked after the earth Mother Nture would look after Man! Simple.

Talking of Mother Nature .. last night I was awoken with a small anxiety session and to calm down I typed "relaxing Music" into you tube and got some really nice music with some lovely visuals, and all to do with nature... sea, brooks,forests,birds,sunsets,beaches etc .... and each picture/photo really pleased me if you know what I mean..with out sounding freaky it is like it touched my soul with the beauty of it all! And I thought WHY do we have this feeling when looking at natural things...it has to be because we are from the earth!
Im ranting arn't I.... sorry... ime for early nan nights LOL!!!!
video below shows a big earthquake...God forbid! you wont believe this footage....


Wednesday, 27 February 2008

TREMOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


OH MY GIDDY AUNT!!!! I am sat on me laptop about 1am when all of a sudden the bloody house shook and I actually saw me walls shaking, and it sounded like a train comong through the house... leapt up heart pounding like a bugga then went all irregular with the shock ...rescue remedy rectified that after 3 mins or so....... I have emailed sky news to telll them it was felt in this area as they were only saying Midlands.... WOW that was amazing... measured 4.7 on the rhicta (cant spell it) scale....... darn't go to nan nights now!

Tuesday, 26 February 2008

HURDLES!


Today Libby went to the fanstatic science exhibition come adventure centre in Sheffield "Magna"... last night she said to me to come but the fear that came over me was unreal...all of a sudden questions ( she has been before) came pouring out my mouth like, is it a big place? Is there lots of stairs? ,are there lots of exits? Is it hot? Do they show you medical things like how the heart works etc (cant cope)? Will it be crowded...the answer to all these were all YES to my despair!...So this morning I made excuses from I have nothing to wear due to no washer, to,
my hair needs dying! ... I think Lib got the gist but Oh I felt like a big GIT! Of course I wanted to go but I can't!!!! Any way in the end she went with her Nan and Grandad and they had the most fab time. People don't understand what a task it is just to do normal every day things when you have anxiety/agraphobia... I can't tell you how near I was to say..."bugga it im going with you Lib".... SO even that in itself makes me feel changes are coming... I have been offered to go on Holiday for a few days with my freind Sharon, I have said YES!!! Im am crapping my self But I am going to go! I AM BLOODY GOING!!!!!! Its only for 4-5 days..Lib is comin too! To Skegness in a caravan.
So to sum it up this yr so far....slow progress in the positive direction, thanks to some good friends! xxxx

Monday, 25 February 2008

"""Morrisons (more reasons) to not shop with Mother""""


Oh my God! I have been shopping with Ma n Pa today, went into Retford a lovely Market town only a few miles from home, had a great time but shopping in Morrisons with mum is unreal! I like to get in and out for obvious reasons but no chance with me mum, at one point I said " Mum ... do you know we have been in the fruit and veg for 30 mins" ... she has to poke each peice of veg or fruit, she even tastes the grapes and runs round all the free samples, she dont need her dinner when she been shopping cos of all the tasters she has, she will pretend she is getting some tasters for me too and shove em in her mouth! She is very funny, and I really cant get annoyed, we actually nick name her "Bargain Bet".... she loves shopping, I do when I am well, I have been brill today in town... I was fab(Normal almost)... So that has been my day really.. came home and made a rice pudding! Stunning! and chilled rest of night after also making choc crispies! so byesey byes for now! xxxx

Sunday, 24 February 2008

The funniest thing I have ever seen

This is a set up .. the guy laughing thinks it is real but the whole audience are actors! Gosh I keep watching it and watching it... I think it is so funny!

Saturday, 23 February 2008

Boredom: the desire for desires


This morning was fine but by the time 3pm came that was it....BORED!!! I think it is half my problem BOREDOM.... I have loads to do ....loads of interests but lately I am BORED!!! It is catch 22 because I wouldnt be bored if I could go for a long walk wiv my doggies or get on a bus and go off for the day like I used too... but now being trapped in a safe zone is making my life teadious and miserable... My personality is an explorer, exciting,discoverer, but having been kidnapped by this desease "Anxiety" then my personality is dulled.... Lately I seem to have a good week then a bad week etc etc... My Mother rang me today and said she aint heard from me all week, I didnt even realize as this wk as gone so fast... even my sister said the same as I aint contacted any one. Feel so alone at the moment , not literally but mentally...I wish someone could climb inside this mushy head and tweek a few buttons and put it all right again... !!! Over and out!

(enzo , me whippet - pictured above)

Thursday, 21 February 2008

Skint! But I shall keep on smilin!!!! LOL!!!!!


I have had the worst two days for ages, tense, stressed, palpitations galore, small panic attack tonight actually until my freind Sharon came round and calmed me right down. I have been thinking "what is doing this?, why am I so stressed" I have figured it out...I am skint! I have a half finished bathroom to do ... a bedroom to decorate and other stuff, not to mention a few new clothes for ones self! ( need not want) and bills coming out of ones rear!....... But I have been here many times before and I always get by, so why get stressed! Its stupid!.... SO will try to chill out 2 mo the best I can...wish the weather would pick up..I might feel better then..still aint got into my garden.. every time I think about going I nesh out..too cold.

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Visitation Stress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I come from a very hospitable family, my sister has visitors all day long every day and all my childhood I remember someone being at my Mum and Dad's ...people popping in and out and I am the same ... for instance by 1pm I'd had 9 visitors fed and watered!!!!! I LOVE IT but for some reason today it has stressed me out... I felt a bit panicky this afternoon and had a few flutter attacks ..... but not bad ones! What did I tell you about being scared that things were good!!!

Any how the video is of my experiment yesterday..... this morning when I woke up....NO WORMIES!!!! So I am not going veggie just yet! LOL




video

Monday, 18 February 2008

A little trip out to the ducks


What a borin day.... went to the shops this mornin on me trusty freind (bike)... then Neil (me other trusty freind ) came in his little pap pap and I asked him to take me to Tickhill, (next village) so i could go to the bank..... But I thought we could feed the little wack wacks (ducks) as we have a lovely pond there in Tickhill and a castle so it is a nice relaxing walk. Bought a sarnie from the shop and a bottle of water and we fed the ducks (altough there was an infestation of flamin sea gulls!!!!)

Any way after getting home we had a look on you tube and saw the thingy about if you pour coke on pork steak and leave it you get worms... so Neil came in handy again as we went to the next village for pork and coke ....£4.76 later!!!!!.... as I type I have 2 pork steaks marinating in coke... SO in the morning I am expecting snakes! Will let you know what happens with a little footage of somekind!
Rang washer people..... they are coming out to do a full report on Wed as I laid it on a bit thick and said it could of taken someones eye out!!!! LOL Well It could!!! It's not under guarentee or covered with insurance so I told them if they dont do ought im going to the Daily Mirror!!! LOL...
Piccy is me today on Neils trusty pap pap that escorts me everywhere! With the furry dice!!!! Neils of course! SO feminine!!!!

Saturday, 16 February 2008

An Act of kindness


I just want to say that today someone showed me a lovely act of kindness... you know who you are (they read my blog) and I want to say Thank you Very Very much... you have shown to be a bloody good friend and I am soooooooo grateful for your help..........
Today has been a nice day, chilling and relaxing! With freinds and family, had loads of visitors which is always nice.... And Guys Im scared cos my anxiety levels are coming down..Im feeling better... Am I on the way up or am I gonna come crahing down, I have lost wieght this week and feel better for it for def! ...... Lib took this photo of me this morning and wants me to put it on my blog so here it is!
Right better go to check me Lottery ticket... If I win I will still blog !!! HONEST!!!!

Friday, 15 February 2008

Washer smashing day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


And i dont mean the weather!!!!! .... I came home tonight to find glass covering me kitchen floor and I didnt know where from, I went into Paul who was sat on the sofa with a vacant look.. I asked him what he has smashed in the kitchen...he looks at me with a gormlous expression....."Oh I thought I heard a bang" I asked him what he heard and did he look......couldnt be arsed!!!! Eventualy we both went in and he noticed the washer door had exploded!!!! The only thing I can think of is my trainers had banged against the door and bust it...... I can't believe it...I am absolutly stoney piggin broke at the moment, hand to mouth isn't in it!!! Do you know what I aint stressed about it!! I don't give a flying shiney crap!!!!! Cos these things happen and NO WAY am I letting it get to me.... I will sort it... Apart from that had a great day with ma n pa... fettled up stairs for her today and actually stayed with mum for about 7 hrs which is good for me as after about 3 hrs I get anxious and want to go home.... Anxiety free= 9.3/4 / 10 LOL....nearly 10 eh!!!

So got some ringing about to do tomo to see how much a new door will be!!!! BLESS ME LOL!!!!

Happy Valentine's Day xx

Had a smashing day...went shopping really early to Tesco (to the massive one) and we were that early there was hardly a soul there...it was fab! Did my shopping really different today... bought NO crap and No processed food I have bought basic ingredients to make everything and then called at me little butchers on the way home for me free range chicken (5.77) and me local Pork from Doncaster... so looking forward to cooking some nice grub this wk...even gonna get me old bread maker out!
BOught some fab Rump steak for dinner, did candle lit dinner for me and Paul and sent Libby out with a pack up LOL to her mates...she didn't mind, in fact she kept going "AW, you have a nice time" Made me laugh! So we did, had stunnin meal if I say so me sen! did a sauce with the juices from the steak and fresh cream and a special mustard, It made it!!
Then had an early night (cough cough!!!!)
So hope all you guys out there had a bit of romance....... cos I did...and got some lovely wraped red tulips from Paul and a nice card!
Anxiety freeness....... most of the day 9.5....tonight 9 .. hope I sleep xxxx

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

What a stunning warm day!


The sun has been shining all day! So I plucked up the courage to go for a walk with Sharon and Miranda, even Libby ended up tagging on which was great, I rode me bike and walked a bit! We went all around the allotments across the school field back round allotments and onto the football field! Guess what!!!!! not one palpitation! I was in my element! normality...here is a piccy of my geese that I aint seen for weeks, months!

Had a little panic tonight though cos I have been bit on me finger and it's a little swollen so of course I think "oh God im gonna have to go hospital" but i shall be ok! It aint swollen any more...it itches more than ought! so anxiety free at one point was 10/10 but now about 7/10.

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

EEH By GuM ~ ItS CoLd OuT ThEre


Jack frost is sprinkling tonight.... I have got me massive trampoline in my garden and Libby just came in from her freinds and said she had seen a fab shooting star...she looked at me with that look and a smirk... I said "trampoline" ......Quilts and pillows came out so we could go and star gaze..as we love to do this but have been waiting for the oppertunity to do it on the trampoline! We went out side all excited and Lib stood on the tramp' and you should have seen it....all over it was a crazy paving of ice crystals... it was stunning! GOD ISN'T NATURE SO WONDERFUL..... even on something as man made as this! So of course old fuddy duddy said " Oh Lib I can't love ...we'll get pnuemonia !!!! GOD I SOUND MORE LIKE ME MOTHER EVERY DAY!!!! I can hear it echoing!! LOL..... any way we came in but of course lib had to lay for 10 mins and then she bolted in when hyperthermia was just about to set in !

Aint done that much today apart from doing me shopping (local) and being with Sharon at her house, she has also done a blog about her and her hubby as he is on Dialysis, her link is below. Made 6.5 litres of tomatoe soup with them tommys I bought from the car boot...it's stunning, I roasted me toms, well about 100 of them and them put them into the slow cooker with veg stock, 4 carrots,leek, onion, and salt and pepper and a bit of basil...... half will be bulky soup and i'll blitz the other half.... so I will be feeding every visitor tommy soup for 2 days LOL!!!! Does the old bowels good! I assure you!

Anxiety 9.5 / 10 feel great!!!! only 2 or 3 flut flutts!! been quite relaxed!
http://www.lifewithdialysis.blogspot.com/

Monday, 11 February 2008

PAUL'S PRETTY PINK CANDLES!!!! LOL


Today it is my hubby's 37th birthday and he is sat here rather pissed! after 7 guinness 1 speckled Hen and a large double whisky I should think he is!!!!!! And his dinner is still in the oven! He really is a bugga but I do love this drunken swine! He has been in his element all day as he got money to buy himself a dog walking coat, Libby bought him a dog bag for walking with so he can carry his leads, whistle and well!!!! We have been laughing cos the things that he has fit into this bag is hillarious! Even down to survival kit (which I got from eBay) this is whats in this small bag...treats, leads, wooly hat, whistle,water bowl,first aid kit (for dogs) binoculars! survival kit with foil blanket, flint! (please caveman) and maya dust...STRING!! iodine and savlon, anti hisimine incase he gets stung (or dogs) So basicaly you would want to meet him if you were on a walk, got severed by a bull whilst bumping into a wasps nest on a cold day where u needed a fire, your trousers had fallen down and you need some string, a drink for your dehydration and iodine drops for your wounds , binoculars to see if any more wasps are coming from afar!!!!wooly hat if your thatch is sparce! and a compass for if you forget where you live cos of your bump....oh but if you want an ambulance your buggered cos he always forgets his phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well today I have been great, no flut fluts anxiety 9/10.

Sunday, 10 February 2008

Time Flies...... Back to Monday!

Gosh don't time fly over the wk end when your enjoying it! I love it because you can be lazy with out the guilt, Its a family time, Sat afternoon Libby spent with me a little quality time which I loved... I love her company, she is growing up now... we can talk about stuff more. Sat night was great, had peeps over for supper and a laugh with Irish music and stories... lifted my spirits.... Then today I was gonna do a car boot with Neil but we (I) decided it was too cold and we should wait until the big yellow thing in the sky lets off a bit of heat as there is nought worse than being cold and standing in the same old spot, but we did decide to go and have a look round...got about 150 tomatoes for £1.50 (soup all week LOL) and a massive bag of sprouts to feed about 25 people (£1) These are the benifits of living in Yorkshire!!! Cheap! You can actually JUST afford to live...altough the gas and electric is crippling me at the moment as we are on a meter for both and they charge you more for it! Sods Law! Well I have felt pretty crap since this afternoon I have had flutters all afternoon going into this eve! Dont know why... just feel really tight and anxious inside! I havnt really had a good week with panic attacks..had quite a few!! Oh...when is it gonna end! I hate it! I sooooo want to be better, Its not me ... I like to be out and walking round the feilds with my dogs and hubby but that part of the village is like a NO NO!! It's like I see a mental boundry around me ... never mind begining of a new wk...Lets try again! Pauls Birthday tomo .. he is 37 (old git) so will have a nice day I hope! I will cook him a nice dinner, might bake a little cake! Nan Nights all....hope you missed me last night... I did LOL If you can miss your self! Felt a little lost not posting! but was too tired ...xxxxxxxxxx

Friday, 8 February 2008

I did it I did it I didididididididi IT!!!!!!!!!!


Very short post peeps....cos feel soooo tired....Went on bus wiv me little freind!! Was great...had coffee in a sweet cafe and looked in shops ect... bought some goodies from delicatesant,some logonberry jam and some lovely black olives and chardennay vinigar crisps!!! ect ect... oh and a euro millions lottery ticket as it's 95 million (Please God ll do ought for you if I win) LOL.......went to mum's but she was a little snappy today but never mind we all can be can't we but then I went to the shops later on and had a little panic attack and went runing back to the car!!!! weird int it..it upset me as I was so proud of me self...but I am still proud of me sen!!!!! Above is a little pic of where we been today in Tickhill x anxiety 8/10...little panics in night.

Thursday, 7 February 2008

1000th visitor wow.............


I would like to thank all my readers for thier support.I cant belive when I came on tonight I was the 1000th visitor... I cant believe this little corner of the universe actualy is being taken notice of.... Well it means alot to me and getting all the waffle and crap down every night and listening to others like Gary and coffeecup, sara, and Simon I feel like I know you all its really wierd! Hope it continues with us all....it's ace... I do try to add a bit of humour to my blogs and thats me.... I love Humour, wit and I love having a good old laugh- So thank you for your encouraging comments and little inspirations to me and I hope I have helped others too.

Tomorrow is a BIG day for me...My lovely freind asked me today if I wanted to go on the bus with her 2 mo to the next village and go to me mums...int that sweet offering her support like that ..so I am! We are gonna go into the little country village which has a lovely butchers and taylors supermarket (Posh) and a little duck pond then me Daddy is gonna pick us up and take me to Mummy who will be waiting with a lovely dinner and a warm welcome...she loves me coming! And I love her so much , she is very very funy with the dryest wit on earth (Irish for you)

So hopefuly I will be able to get on the bus as I does only run from my house...fingers crossed!

Not been on a bus since about last Nov!

Wednesday, 6 February 2008

Two stubborn swines


Lately me and hubby have been at each other but the trouble is we are both as stobborn as each other and unfortunatly we have also produced another stubborn creature - Libby, so its really not her fault-bless here!!!! This pic is taken when we went on a walk with Neil ages ago and we fell out because we were tired and hungry and Neil always finds us comical when we argue!!! Sometimes we are funny....we can even laugh half way through arguments.....and one thing is we cant stay mad with each other for long!!!!! The thing I find with Paul is when I am poorly with my anxiety he seems to back away from me when I need him the most... I have been getting upset about this but yesterday I realized why this happens.... Paul suffers very bad with his nerves and I suppose when I am not strong who is there for him!?! But sometimes just sometimes I need some support and understanding !!! but all in all we have a good relationship....people actually comment on our closenes and compatibility...we can always find something to talk about but when the old mardy bums comes on this is the scene (above) that we get....LOL ..... although.....I USUALLY WIN!!!!!!!!!

Anxiety 7/10 today!!!!! And yippieeeeeeeee full nights sleep xxxx

Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Toothache and no dentist


Cant believe it my tooth has started again... When I get toothache I have 2 major obsticles......Dental Phobia and no bloody Dentist to go to as I never keep my appointments cos I am scared!!! Sods law in this country.... Toffy nosed gits can go to one when they like and pay out of thier stuck up noses but working class are left in the gutter with a bottle of clove oil!!!!!! I am hoping this dies off...It sometimes does!

Anxiety levels at max today..... flutters galore..didn't make the bus my dad picked me up, just didn't feel strong enough today...hope 2 mo is better ...nan nights all!!!

Monday, 4 February 2008

Been in Snail mode all day.......

Couldn't get a rush on if I tried.....
Didn't get dressed till 11am which is not like me... Neil came with a great big headache and had to go back to work so the walk is now on hold...had another Panic Attack in the night.... getting used to them now but I do go through fazes of these and they do disslove! So aint done much, can't be bothered..Im not perticularly miserable but just can't be arsed! So tomorrow I am off to my sisters.. what a palava this will be as Hubby takes me down the road on me bike to catch the bus and sees me off then i will be on the bus for about 7 mins till I get to the crossroads in the next village where my Dad will pick me up and take me to my sisters .. this is all because the buses have stopped running like they used to for the past 40 yrs or so....cut backs ..last yr I got a petition with nearly 1000 signatures and presented it to the council but no joy...like the rest of people in power nowadays...knob heads!!!! sorry but it's true!
So will report 2 mo...ova and out!

Sunday, 3 February 2008

Goin on a trial walk on me bike tomo...irish walk (on me bike )


I am gonna give it a go..here's me on me bike this time last yr... so 2 mo will av a go..neil is comin wiv me wiv me flask and blue ribbon!!! (choc bar) and RESCUE REMEDY!!! so will take a pic of me in the woods if I do it x

Like hamsters..meet to mate!!!!


Apart from the stinking cold weather I have had a better day... last night I woke with me evil Palpitations but not for long..I leant over to the window and opened it for cold air and put me lap top on which is at side of me bed... You know all this jumping in the night ect has actually split me and hubby into seperate rooms, I aint moaning as I do like being in me own bed but we are like hamsters now...cant sleep together so we just meet to mate!!!! LOL !!! Actually it is very celeb to sleep seperate and also very Royal !!!
So today did a stunning diner for me ma and pa who came for din dins , did beef and huge Yorkshire puds made in muffin tins and veg and roast tatties and a cheese sauce...and for pud I gave me little biddies some semolina cos they like that stuff...it was either that or tapioca (frog spawn) They stayed for a while and I really enjoyed it...I love em coming and looking after them it means alot to me.
Short blog tonight due to tiredness..... so hoping for a good wk and to all my readers and other anxiety sufferers have a good week and I hope we all fight the demon!

Saturday, 2 February 2008

I am sooo ashamed of myself!!!!

PICTURE MY HAPPIER TIMES!!!!!!
These bloody panic attacks can sure make you seem a selfish cow...... today I was sat watching tv feeling a little anxious when Paul jumped up and said Oh Rach an ambulance has pulled up next door...well the guy next door is very poorly and on dyalisis but also...I have a real phobia of anything like Doctor's or Ambulances etc etc...so I just went into total panic... I couldnt get my breathing into gear at all then the heart started one eptopic beat after the other.. I could actually feel it in my pulse a missed beat but then a beat nr my stomach...just so typical ectopic....I laid on the floor pretending the ambulance wasn't there...then my freind came in and said "are you ok Rach" I felt a right selfish cow laid there in a state when someone next door was so far worse off than me at that moment... My hubby actually said "GET A GRIP RACH" which really upset me as he thought I was being selfish...but he should know I dont have that type of nature.... I cant help how my body reacted...I wish I could...the more I tried the worse it got..stupid irrational fear that they were gonna come in for me because I was gonna die!!!! After about 15 mins of this I actually felt the adrenaline work it's way out and leave my body like the dust settling after the storm my heart just went straight back to normal..... Any way as it happened.. it wasn't the guy next door it was his little son .. he had jumped on the trampiline and landed funny on his leg and snapped his fibia and tibia... bless him.... Please all me freinds kids are snapping limbs at the moment!!!!! SO I am UPSET,MAD and generally disapointed with myself but who do I blame for this ! GOD? or ME? or is it just MY SHORT STRAW!!!

Rueben and his shiney new boots


Well you know I told you about me doggie on the trampaline...well he has been on again!!! I can't believe it he just loves bouncing on it...I swear he was a bloody kangaroo in a former life!!! Well any way I have found the answer.. I can let him on as long as he wears his new shoes I bought him....here is a picture of him in his new shoes...he isn't very keen at the moment and he walks like a pantomime horse in them... but if he is gonna be bouncing there will be conditions!!!
I have had a stressful day as I have been to the dreaded Morrisons..I thought I would take Libby to help me but I wish she had stayed at home as I spent £158.00...... I never pend that much..I do go shopping once a fortnight and usualy spend around £130 but the extra's was her! Bubble bath, hair stuff, VKW, peperami things and so on.....!
My wonderful freind came tonight to see me I aint seen her for a month so it has been ace to see her again...Andrea is my soul mate...we might not see eachother for ages but it's as if we never been apart when we meet...been freinds for about 30 yrs now! WOW Im getting old!
Anyway I read the quote of the week today...are you ready for this...in our nr town of Worksop there was a funeral for a traveller and it was in the local paper that all Worksop stood to a stand still with Police escorts and the lot...when the Guardian interviewed his wife she said "HE WAS A WONDERFUL MAN, A GENERAL DEALER WHO COULD GET ANYBODY ANYTHING THEY WANTED ESPECIALLY ANYTHING TO DO WITH BUILDINGS OR CARPETS" couldnt believe what I was reading! I leave you with that! Speechless!!!!!