So run down and full of cold!

Well peeps, I have just finished it off! The week has been crap and now have a big red nose! (shame it int christmas, rudolf could have had a night off) and me glands are really up!...Paul is sick of me blowing me hooter but its tuff!!! I have to listen to his banjo playing! I feel ok but look like crap and have a really bad cold! My mum said its good that me glands are up cos it means im fighting it! She will say ought so I dont panic...cos I mentioned Lymph cancer! but im sure she is right LOL!!! In fact Paul keeps sneezing now..but of course he wont have a cold he will have Man flue or other wise known as bubonic typhoid virus colditess!!! Well today i have had a good day with the old anxiety ..hardly any flip flops in the old heart area! Prob cos im more worried about me MUMPS! (cos ive been through that one too LOL) ,, Me and Libby are better...she has been to her nan's for a few days...said she was leaving home last wk but now she misses me and wants to come home! (knew she would cos she loves her mummy) I was glad as I hate her not being here..I missed her so much too! SO things are looking up ...im feelin better in myself... just this stinking cold! .....the picture isnt me by the way...its just what I look like LOL

floods~not of the rain type......My tears

I have had the most emotional week of my life...everything has come to a head... I have never felt so near to ending it all on Thusrday... I had fall outs with Libby and Paul...Paul had told his Mum a week ago that we were splitting up (news to me) but on thurs when I came home from my mothers he was in floods of tears and told me how he had been feelin..... This are alot better now...i think we all needed to get stuff off our chests...And we definatly did for sure... Me and aul are gonna make some changes to our relationship and Libby is going to her nans for a wk or 2 to try and sort her head out ( thank God) . I obviously feel that its my panic attacks that are doing this to the family but I have stressed to them all that I need help...not just to be left on my own all the time ... Libby still being a pain but I really think she will be better when she starts college and gets a place in life at the moment she is more or less in limbo! We all went through it as a teen, wouldn't be normal if you didn't x SO I am hopeing for a better week. we are gonna be starting on the bathroom, we have started the back garden together yesterday.... Oh yes...yesterday, i did loads in the garden with Paul, I was working really hard in the garden, pulling big nettles and I was red hot, my heart was pupming normal and guess what I had no flutters at all not untill later on when i was relaxed....weird int it! But i was well impressed I had none when i exerted my self x so guys, hope you are all well and watch this space cos im wanting calmness in my life from now on... and positivness x x x heres hopeing!

Gotta keep going!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well guys I have been marvalous if I say so myself... Wed night I had me ftruffle party and stood up in front of 12 ladies and did a demonstration and taster session of my truffles... I was nervous before I got there but the min I got into it I was fine.... But today has been the biggi..... I went to the local market in the next town on in Dinnington ( never been to this market) and was nervous but then after I started off around the market on me own having a great time...not one flutter not one panic...in fact I waltzed back to the car like a looney with heavy bags...when i sat in the car I thought ..ohhhhh no tight chest...no flut fluts! well pleased .... then it was on to tesco...absolutly fine all the way around until the last last isle then all of a sudden a flutter...then another...then another...then panic set in...heart went wonky and I thought right you can bloody go wonky...I put all the food on the belt...packed me bags...i told me freind who was with me (who was not sympathetic at all...in fact he rolled his eyes...which well upset me) and he actually helped me pack but then just walked off and left me to follow ...then I calmed down and everything went back to normal rythm....thank God...but I never rang out..I just let it happen ..I thought it wont kill me...It cant ..... xxxx so how clever am I ...I had another little doo later in the day...so I laid on the floor and spoke to my mum (never told her I was panicin)

Pic is me at me truffle party!

Crap Crap Crap!

Well I think the title my express how Im feeling! Um I think its a little crap! ... I am bloody sick to death of feeling like this...I want me old self back again...its driving me nuts... I woke up in the night shaking from head to foot... heart pounding then all wonky ..went on for 10 mins but felt like an hr...this horrid trapped life I have at the moment is no joy! I mean for goodness sake im in me 30's ...I should be enjoying life and getting out and about...I wish I could drive..at least I might get out of the village more...As i dont do buses if I can help it.... no control over turning back if i feel dodgy! WHEN OH GOD AM I GONNA BE RACH AGAIN! ?????????? I know people have worse stuff happening in their lives like cancer etc but this is my life...and it is being ruined by this monster "FEAR"............. well today I did a very brave thing...nothing to some folk but somot to me..I went to my Friends to help her clean ready for the decorators coming tomo and she said she had to pop down the street first to the doctors...so I said well I need to go to the Post Office...so I said I would wait in the car in the car park at the doctors! WOW HOW BRAVE AM I!!!! I actually sat in the car for half and hr and waited for her...I nearly lost it 3 times but managed to keep my cool by playing with my phone and texting people I really dont like (LOL) and having in my mind that if the heart started I would run to the road and stop a car to take me home as I know nearly everyone in the village...these survival tactics actually saved me... I know it sounds daft all this but I have a phobia of doctors etc... cant help it..its not a fear or a silly dislike it has gone beyond it to a PHOBIA! even passing my local doctors sends my heart flippin....How the hell do I get rid of it! By going to the doctors??????? Any mental health people out there that can give me some advice please do... Im going now to hopefully go nan nights...sorry that my posts have been solom and borin lately but I suppose it represents my disposition . Nighty nights peeps....PS ..truffle party 2 mo night so hopefuly will sell some...doing really well with them. ANY ONE Want ANY!?????? piccy is me garden last week! will post new one for this wk....colour galore

Im back peeps

Well what a rough ride it has been..... I have had a gud time with tessa and she is really really easy to look after but my gudness, the anxiety of looking after a child with special needs is hard going due to responsibility, especially when that child is someone elses, but I have enjoyed hercompany, Tessa does not speak so we have to communicate through Makaton sign lanquage, she actually taught me some new words by asking her to sign them to me. I have been making truffles all week, 196 truffles I have made in 4 days LOL!!! Im truffled out!!!!
Well do you wanna hear somot funy (wasn't at the time though) well, you know my "sacred" bike! well today it got stolen out of my garden!!!! I was devastated, my life was ova! No bike...can't go anywhere!! GUTTED! I bought the bike from Paul's Aunty Nelly who is 81 and still was riding this mountain bike up a massive hill to get her carrots and bread etc but it got too much and she let me have it for £25. ....anyhow to get to the point what happened was her Grandson was walking passed our house ( didn't know we lived there! ) and he was a bit tipsy...he saw the bike and took it from the garden...one of my neighbours (Herbert...bless him) shouted after this fellow saying "Oy...thats Rachel's bike" but this guy shouted F.Off...its my grandmas!! He took the bike back to Nelly's proud he had seen her bike in a garden in Langold and had stolen it back for her!...she went into panic saying to him " I sold it...and you've stole it" Luckily when Herbert told us what the guy had said we knew who it was and have managed to get me little blue bell back!...so I Am active again! Phew what a fright! ...ANyway here are some little pic's a couple of me truffles and some of tess a!

Im still here!

Hi guys I am still here, I have been looking after my sister's special needs daughter who is full time work... I am sleeping there etc and my sis has no internet so I wont be properly blogging till at least next wed..... I am doing well with the responsibility but am struggling big time.... Tessa is easy to look after ...its being away from home that is the prob..Libby is helping me which is good. ... Bye for now xxx