Wednesday, 16 July 2008

Crap Crap Crap!

Well I think the title my express how Im feeling! Um I think its a little crap! ... I am bloody sick to death of feeling like this...I want me old self back again...its driving me nuts... I woke up in the night shaking from head to foot... heart pounding then all wonky ..went on for 10 mins but felt like an hr...this horrid trapped life I have at the moment is no joy! I mean for goodness sake im in me 30's ...I should be enjoying life and getting out and about...I wish I could least I might get out of the village more...As i dont do buses if I can help it.... no control over turning back if i feel dodgy! WHEN OH GOD AM I GONNA BE RACH AGAIN! ?????????? I know people have worse stuff happening in their lives like cancer etc but this is my life...and it is being ruined by this monster "FEAR"............. well today I did a very brave thing...nothing to some folk but somot to me..I went to my Friends to help her clean ready for the decorators coming tomo and she said she had to pop down the street first to the I said well I need to go to the Post I said I would wait in the car in the car park at the doctors! WOW HOW BRAVE AM I!!!! I actually sat in the car for half and hr and waited for her...I nearly lost it 3 times but managed to keep my cool by playing with my phone and texting people I really dont like (LOL) and having in my mind that if the heart started I would run to the road and stop a car to take me home as I know nearly everyone in the village...these survival tactics actually saved me... I know it sounds daft all this but I have a phobia of doctors etc... cant help it..its not a fear or a silly dislike it has gone beyond it to a PHOBIA! even passing my local doctors sends my heart flippin....How the hell do I get rid of it! By going to the doctors??????? Any mental health people out there that can give me some advice please do... Im going now to hopefully go nan nights...sorry that my posts have been solom and borin lately but I suppose it represents my disposition . Nighty nights peeps....PS ..truffle party 2 mo night so hopefuly will sell some...doing really well with them. ANY ONE Want ANY!?????? piccy is me garden last week! will post new one for this wk....colour galore


Coffeecup said...

Oh boy do I know what this feels like! I'm so sorry you're fed up Rach. That description of waiting in the car...been like that myself countless times! I'm starting to realise that getting out is something I have to do. New attitude is this, "what have I got to lose?"

Here's my theory about the docs. Is it really going in that you're afraid of or that they're gonna scare you with bad news/tests/white van and matching coat? Think about what you're really afraid of. Look at the evidence of it actually happening, and how you would deal with it if it did. If you're scared of a home visit then it's not likely to be the docs, it's sommat fear maybe. It's time the doc knew that you were struggling babes, perhaps you could get refered for CBT, and he/she could check you over and rule out any other cause for the palps which may be easy treatable and cure the panic in no time.

Chin up girl, you're still doing amazing, most of us would quake in our boots at the thought of being the hostess, and here you are DOING something fantastically positive. WELL DONE!!!!!!!!


Robert said...

Sorry you're a wee bit down, Rach... Hopefully it's temporary. But don't let it beat you!

Marie (who would love to be able to do all the things you can do) and I send our best wishes.

Rachel's Diary said...

Thank you hunnies for your lovely comments... Steph its actually the thought of going through that surgery door and seeing the scared of panickin in front of him and him sending me to hospital and ...i really dont know what else i just hate it and am very scared xxxxx
Robert I keep pushing my self I have to or i would stop rigid.... xxxx