more courage please

I rang my mummy the other day in tears....I said mum, I am doing so well but my symptoms are worse...why ..does it mean that I really do have a bad heart....my mum said No Rachel... its because you are going beyond your limits and using your courage and pushing yourself so your body is in constant alert! ....makes sense I suppose!.............................need my symptoms to subside...went to Tesco today and was awful but i carried on ,, Neil said it was prob cos it was extra busy................ I need more courage guys... My next thing is tomo where we are going door to door knocking for neighbourhod watch members....................Oh yes by the way....at christmas we have a Father christmas that goes around the village in a lit up trailor its great well this yr.... we have no one to be father christmas, we have all the outfit , beard, hair etc but no one seems interestedso guess who have offered to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES ME!!!! LOL.... agraphobic SANTA !!! lollollollol..BET YOU ARE LAUGHING ARNT YOU ...i will get some photos on when i do it...all the village comes out to see ...i just have to sit and wave and ay ho ho ho ...... actaully heres one better,,, an agraphobic transexual santa LOL...will def need courage then!

Symptoms worse but tuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for your lovely comments, I have done so much but the old anxiety is getting me real good but I dont care ( in a sense) they are gonna be because I am taking my self OUT of my normal comfort zone of sitting on the livng room floor doing my crafts and walking to the kitchen!!!!!!!!!!!! Well over the last couple of wekks I have started up a little group with our neighbours as we actually had a stabbing on the corner of our st and it is always the same two families in the village that are constantly causing criminal damage and also violence...It is the main reason for my illness as I talk about in one of my firstposts as I had terrible trouble from one of these families. Any how I gathered some people and organised a meeting in the community centre and got some of the counsellers involved... well last night was the meeting and I heard the chief inspector from police was coming and asbo officer etc... so I was soaking in the bath last night and the old heart was doing a dance an I thought I cant do this...I cant go...so after a few drops of rescue rememdy and a smack i me face I went..... when I got there ..there was about 40 people from allover the village... I was shitting my self... and they put me on the top table with the police etc...... i thought OH MY GOD>>>>IM AGRAPHOBIC I DONT DO THIS>>>> well guys once it started.... i was taking the room by storm I was talking with no fear to this room of people...people were listening to ME as I was stirring them up to form a neighbourhood watch ...it was fab and not ONE PALP!!!!!!!!!!! today I am off up to the school to dress the hall up for the school halloween disco...... like I said the symptoms are bad at the moment but I am sure it is because I am pushing my self to the limit...but I have to do it...other wise im gonna rot and go stale! ill keep u informed ...... xxxxx LOL pic is me thrilled!!!!!

big changes

Hi guys, I have had an amazing time lately, mixed feelings and a slight positivness that has come out of the blue. Basicaly me and Paul have been going through a rough patch as Paul also suffers from anxiety and also severe depression...it was revealed to me that my illness is affecting him and he is finding it hard to cope..blah blah blah!! like his dont me !!!!! Any way... the last few weeks I have took myself and shook my self and these are the things I have said...

Rachel wherever you are and whatever you do in this short life we have here on earth these symptoms will happen ...BUT...if you try to get on with things and take the symtoms with you and do something active then hopefuly they will dissapear..or I can keep in the house wondering how long Paul is gonna be and quivering because I am on me own and do nothing with my life at all!!!! So.... I decided to do some thing active but do it in my own village, so I have becaome a Parish counseller, a member of the tennants and resisdents association.... im starting a neighbour hood watch, ....getting involved in the community center, im doing christmas dinners for the old bids, activities up at school , i will have my own stall at the christmas fairs ( all 3 of them ) .... and I started a craft course last wed, will be doing that every wed in the wk...... Im still getting the palps but feeling more positive,,, lib was 17 the other day (13th) and me little baby wanted us to go out for a meal, so I did and I loved it...the day after I went and walked about 1/4 of a mile to my freinds house...with out the bike.... I went to town and did some clothes shopping, I have done all this in one wk.... I have pushed myself... and coped...so please say A prayer for me this week that some of these horrid symptoms start to dissapear whilst I get my head busy again!!! the photos are from libs dinner x x x x

Havin a few bad days...............

Well guys... hello again, I am havin a real strugglin time with these old flutters/palpitations.... I am finding alot of them are coming on with stomach gas and wind... at night time the min' I hit the pillow they start!!!! but after a couple of hrs of releasing gas from my chest cavity it settles and they go ...so weird! I have been told that it is when your heart is stimulated by the vagus nerve which runs from your stomach up through your heart, makes sense ...but I just wish my over sensitized heart would start to settle down and my head would stop focusing on them as half the time this is what it is... i think! I hope! .stay with me guys ...i dont seem to get any comments any more on my blog...please let me lnow you are reading this blog xxxx pic is my rueben!

The missing wench! Cant smile at the mo !!!!!!

Im still here people... i have not been bloggin cos I will be honest guys I have not felt like it one bit..I feel I have nothing to say due to my borin tedious life of just trying to hold myself together..... I have found myself in the morning being addicted to Sky movies...then the afternoon is here...then its tea time...then its bed time.... I think I am just havin a bad time as sadley watching my life go by!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

am I getting better?

I really dont know if I am on my way to recovery or what... lately I seem to be having crap days then good days but having longer gaps of good..but the bad are terrible...I still have not conquered the fear of walking about but just feel altogether more positive! I can see light at the end of the tunnel these past few days which is a good sign i think! but then I can come crashing down after a great bought of palpitations or a panic attack in the night etc .... touch wood I have been sleeping better the past 4 nights or so ..thanks to Nytol....

I got offered a job the other day... working for southern electric...£250 a week plus £60 min bonuses a wk..... but its all walking about and you have to go away for a week...so that was a massive NO! I wish I could get a job on the net working from home but everything I look at is a big con! Where are these jobs ..that pay you without you having to invest or download for $100.... If any one knows of any job I can do on the net let me know...truffles are slow...who wants truffles in a credit crunch! signing off...skint and bored!

I love this time of year

This time of year makes me happy... I love the ripe apples on the trees, the leaves beginging to display thier wonderful artistic array of colours.. the talk of Christmas and the thought of bonfire night with the toffee and scarfes and warmth... this has always been my favorite time of year... when I went into the shop down the road the other day all the all the christmas things were on display and I thought whoooppiieee then I thouht OH! I cant afford ought... LOL.. I think alot of us will be in the same boat this year.. Irealy aint bothered... I can make christms nice with handmade presents and mince pies etc LOL...I bet you could all poke me in the eyes talking of christmas so soon...but its only a few weeks away aint it! so come on guys get in to the spirit... Anxiety level has been a mad mixture this week...at the beginging it was terrible but the last couple of days felt fab...strange aint it.. had two good night sleep but before that I have been up every night with anxiety attacks... started back o the magnesium tablets, lime flower, omega 3 and herbal nytol at night... it does help... Well guys here is a piccy of my ugly naked necks...can you remember Oliver the little baby...well this is a piccy of him now ........ what do you think?

Eastenders and Coro Aint got a patch on my lot!!!

Well the family feuding is still on the battle ground...Mother falling out with Daughter ..Sister with Daughter...Sister with sister...Daughter with Mother... I have ever known my family to be under this great canopy of bitterness and distress... I have not reveled in this at all..in fact this past few days it has caught up on me big time.... My sister now wears the ring of her intended and seams happy in her shining new piece of expensive gem on her finger flashing about whilst her situation continues to cause discord amongst the people who love her the most...but what can you do ...she will have to make her bed and lie in it...and make the bugga after she's got out...I have never in my life experienced such a personality change from one person as her.... totally different~ self absorbed, selfish individual! and does it all in the name of God!! Wars have started over less! But I can't do any more ... I wish her all the happiness in the world and hope she doesn't suffer for the way she has treat folk but deep down I keep thinking "Equilibrium" ... balance...what goes round comes round ( I believe in this greatly) I will be there to pick up the pieces but maybe it's something she needs to go through.... I know you are wondering what the hell I am talking about! Sorry I just need to get it out.... x

Here are some pics of my bathroom at last..Paul has finished it..apart from my mirror to go up.... need some work doing on it as its big and old ( like me ) xx

Had time to think

Hi peeps I aint been blogging as I needed some time to sort my head out.... I have been having some major problems with my close family, including my Mother and sister which as so upset me but I have made some decisions and ones that affect all my family but I need to do them. With out sounding big headed ( I assure I aint ) I have been for yrs the person in the family that everyone can reley on...always there at the end of the phone....drop everything for everyone and let my imediate family be affected ( Lib and Paul) well after the experiences I have had with my family this past month I have decided enough is enough...on Fri I absolutly blew my top with my sister over her selfishness and greed but I did it in the wrong way by screaching to the top of my voice over the phone ...unfortunatly it happened to be to my mums house as my sister was there so my Mum heard my terrible Blue language .. but I dont regret anything I said.... I meant ever single word of it..... any way the sad thing is my sister has treated me like crap for long enough and my Mum and dad have not supported me in whats right and moral at all.... I am desperatly always trying to seek my parents aproval by treating them with respect and honouring them ... but I just feel to put it blunt I have been taken the piss of!!!! No more...I love my paernts I realy do ...but i need to protect my self...I have felt sooooooooooo much better since I flipped me lid/vented me spleen/blew me top LOL!!!! SO hopefully it might help my road to recovery as some of the things I said have been waiting to spill from my mouth for 2 years! So will try to carry on me blog...I dont blog as much lately I know... but im still here! so here's the bitch signing off LOL!!!! The new Rachel who dont take no crap!!! I hope!

Yippie .. a few good days!..panic free

Oh it has been nice these past 2-3 days have been pretty good with Paul leaving me on my own all day on Thursday and rather than being on tender hooks like normal and planning which freinds are in...and who to run too today.... I was fine... In fact he left me whilst I was in the bath..I dont know if any other panic attack sufferers are like this...if so leave a comment...cos its strange... I just feelmore vunerable and scared...prob something to do with being naked and the fact that I would have to get dressed before I run out into the street ( or would I...LOL...Ive been arrested for worse LOL) But anyway I did it...most of the day...I cleaned and ate lunch which is something else I dont like to do if im on my own.... eating is a no no when on me own as I get alot of my palpatations after eating...palps~panic~panic~palps...vicious circle!!!! I even have to plan my meals around going out...for instance If in a morning I need to go down to the shops i wont eat till I get back...as they start straight after about half an hr after ive eaten...I have read alot up on the subjuect and appaerntly is has something to do with the vegas nerve being stimulated nr the gut to the heart and when ur nervos system is to pot then this sends the wrong signals to the heart which makes it irregular and palp away!!! OMG... something strange has just happened to me guys...and i am gonna write it even if you think im nuts...as I was typing ..Im here in my bedroom as Paul sleeps in the other room ( due to my night terrors) and I had a sense that my late sister just came into my room...I could smell her too!!!! Goose bumps going on ere!!!!!!! OHHHHH !!!! how spookie! ,,, Im not scared ..I have had this feeling about 4 times before.... It makes me want to cry as I miss her so much...she has been gone 4 yrs.... any way back to typing my stuff!!! LOL...you must all think im mad ( I am LOL) well Im doing a bit of ramblin tonight but hey! what this corner of my universre for !!! hoping for a chilling weekend! Big brother nearly over so now its x factor that im enjoying!!! so speak soon peeps and thanks for stopping by! xxxxx PS..... someone found this piccy of me the other day...I was 18 yrs old...note the hat!!!! What a laugh eh!

Life's changes

Well one minuete you have a bouncing baby on your knee and the next she is all grown up and left school and making decisions for her self..... Libby I am talking about of course..my little (grown up) hormonal teenager...she has left school and is a waiting to start college but she is so scared bless her soul...she went to college last Thurs for her induction day and she had been waiting for a freind who never turned up so she walked out in a bit of a panic( not as in a panic attack) just got the jitters.... so we are hoping they let her back in ..got to ring college tomo and sort it out! Well all these goings on has realy been stressing me out..also because me and Paul are on benifits and Libby has left school some financial changes could be taking place and I mean big ones, ...last night I saw the clock round till 5 oclock (felt like proper insomniac) it was horrid with my mind racing around worrying about money etc...paul doesn't work due to health reasons and I can't bloody get anywhere to go to work...but I wish something would come up in my village as I think I am ready to cope and just take the bull by the horns and go out to work as long as it was nr home where Paul could meet me after...so I am gonna look this week for something!!! Phew big step eh! truffles are steady but arnt paying the way as I sill havn't actually made a profit after all my out lay! ...............anyway...any thoughts on how to make some money please let me know....i have even been looking for some of those crappy jobs online but its all scams! earn 500.00 a day! Yeah right! we would all be doing it ! ......well hope u all had a gud Hols.... see ya in the wk xxxxx

GCSE RESULTS! bless her little exam papers!!!!!

Well guys today was the day...lib went and got her exam results from school....and wait for it..........OH THE REGRETS....."OH MUM, I WISH I HAD DONE BETTER" ...the words echo from my own lips when i recieved my dead end , no hope exam results! But the amazing thing is Libby really didn't do too bad, she did better than her freinds, I cannot tell u what results she got out of resect for her...but I am very pleased...she starts college tomo so really who cares, i think life begins academicaly when you leave school! Mine did, with top marks too. I have had a strange old week, for starters it has gone soooooooooo fsat but the old anxiety levels have peaked a little this week ...also thee past 3 days I have had the most awful heart irregularities, some were even painful, like my chest cavity and throat etc was all tense with every ectopic heart beat.... i have had this before so I know I aint gonna snuff it!!!! ....(famous last words!LOL) SO the weekend, Bank Holiday....I wonder what it will bring...the best thing for me is that we get paid early !!! Mind you then I will cry cos Ill be skint on Monday.... so peeps...I am ok but been better and Paul has been busy ...still with the bloody bathroom...will def photo grapg the bathroom for you when its done ( might bloody frame it too) ......This week I had my first order for a wedding for my truffles so i was well pleased with that! so to u all have a gud holiday this wk end...dont do anything I would do!!! LOL xxxxxxxxxxx pic is of naughty Libby in B&Q!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! say no more

Hoping for a better week without illnes!!! Atishooooooooo

Oh me luvs, what a horrid few weeks...I have been unwell for a few weeks with a cold and re occuring very swollen glands in my neck ( gone now) It is not often guys that I am poorly or ill apart from the obvious (hence blog !) but as for colds and flues etc I seem to dodge...prob because I aint at the doc for every sniffle like some folk I know.... dont know when I last had antibiotics, well the last time I was prescribed some was when I was having trouble with some tooth but I never took them..... but I am feeling 100% better...I do think I may have had a mild case of glandular fever as when I was 15 I had a really bad case of them ( along with chicken pox at the same time ) and i was off school about 10 weeks and I always remember the doc saying to my Mum, she will at one point in her life have this back in a mild form probably...so this might have been it. But now Paul is badly and even Rueben has been of it ..... Lib is fine Thank God! Well thhis week Lib gets her exam results, I think I am more anxious about it than her although I have told her I will support her no matter what the results, she has got into college so I am pleased as how many of us ever learnt ought at school....I think life begins when you leave! The next few yrs will be the best ones of her life ! Freedom, parties, student vouchers! LOL..Oh I remember them days! But we wont go there! Not on the WWW!!! LOL.... SO Anxiety levels this wk have been crap ! FLutters galore and really I aint been out much at all.... not any where special...the other day I was sat at my computer thinking about nothing really and Paul was out when all of a sudden ...a surge/wave of adrenaline came up through my body ( you know the one) and the old ticker was going ten to the dozen...well I only had a t shirt on and me knickers(thong...... oh the image for you all LOL) and I thought ahhhh....I need fresh air and water...well it had been raining outside so I went and sat on the wet grass under me fav tree and calmed down........ wiv me phone and started taking photos of me flowers to take me mind of things.... so Im there under a bush takin photos of me sen and me tree n flowers in a thong...when I looked up me neighbours daughter was looking at me... ( we dont talk)... I thought BUGA! she must think im a right silly cow. she sharply shut the curtains so I carried on...when Paul came back I erd im shout Rach...where r u... I think He thought " what the hell have i married" when he saw me in me state,, but it's tuff, I would stand on me ed in the middle of the front garden if I made me better!!!!! , any how peeps, thanks for popping by, nearly wrote pooping by then and had to delete LOL!........ speak soon xxx

Ive won An Award?????...I thank you coffeecup

Well I aint blogged for a while due to being soooooo busy in the house , decorating the bathroom and other stuff and guess what guys...im feeling 35% better and I shall tell you why...I been on a website .... http://palps.chemicalforums.com/cgi-bin/YaBB.pl?num=1218104995 and I have been in contact with a heart doctor!!!!!!!!yes ...me ...a doctor111 He is fab I have heard of him from No More Panic and they assure me he is a real doctor (retired) so I told him every symptom that I get and he explained to me what is happening and that it is all stress ad my body is in High alert mode...since then i have still had them but not half as bad at all...... so i am feeling great ..also on the website folks are the same as me if not worse ....

SO ANYWAY THIS IS WHAT i READ ABOUT ME FROM THE FANTASTIC WEBSITE OF COFFEECUPS (I dont know how to link websites with the title like you do...you will have to tell me) http://theagoraphobicjourneywoman.blogspot.com/

Any way this is what she wrote bless her little cotton socks .....

Rachel (The Bizarre Diary of Rachel Hughes) Effervescing with bubbliness and warmth. A genuinely lovely lady with an eternally optimistic personality even when the chips are down, you'll laugh and cry along with Rachel's diary, all beautifully written in a gorgeous Nottinghamshire dialect

Now int that nice!!! really touched me hun...thank you. I am fine... chocolates are still selling ...just had me first wedding x x x so to all fellow bloggers ... keep reading as I am still here and will never stp blogging... its too good for your mental health LOL!! xxxx

You would be so proud of me!

Well guys what a FANTASTIC day I have had.... I decided this morning to ask my mate Neil if he wanted to go to the carbooty.... when he said yes I thought " Oh Lord, what have I said" , I asked him if we went to park as nr as he could get as I was nervous walking up the massive hill there is...he mumbled and said he would try... dont have much sympathy does my mate... but to cut a long story short he did which was fab...any way the best bit is that Paul came with me too.... So I set off out of the car with the little heart pattering away and a few flips as I thought can I really do this so I thought right if you panic you can sit down on the grass and chill, so we strated around the stalls and after about 10mins I was absolutly fabulous! I was loving it... me and Paul were like 2 antique hunters and we aquired the greatest of bargains after a bit of bartering etc.... at one point them two went back to the car and left me on my own for about 10 mins... I was nervous but not panicky...when we walked back to the car we had to go up a bit of a hill so I felt that great i marched up it and had Not one flutter or anything! .... Please God let this be the beginging of getting better!!! I feel fantastic , I just hope it carries on...... This is me smiling in my garden today cos I am sooooooo happy! And to add Libby has been a lot better, fab infact and I do believe this has helped me as I am feeling so less stressed xxx Thanks Libby...I love you xxx