Having a tough time

I should be ashamed of myself I know... no bloggin ..no commentin on other blogs..but I promise I have been reading your blogs everyday! .... but I suppose you could say I am a little down, sapped , drained,fed up, tired and down right pissed off. I feel like I have no future at the moment but am sooooo trying to stay positive...life is almost like being stuck in a stagnant pond unable to move due to being poisened by the shite that surrounds you!.... but I have to ...I was introduced the other day to a dvd, book, website about some positive thinking etc...well it goes a bit deeper than that and I have been tryin to give it a go... here is the link to the site ...have a look...it's rather bizzarre and "different" but if it helps me in my life I dont care if it was purple zebras massaging me daily with lavender oil!..... that sounds pretty gud actually LOL..... LINK.... http://thesecret.tv/ it called " the secret"...basically it is supposed to be the ancient answer to the secret of success, health...life! .... works for some...I actually downloaded the film from a torrent site...very intersesting! ........

Come on lass!!!!!

Well I never..... been terrible...thats all I can say...had flutters all day long for 4 days!!,Been here before and it does ease.... sara if you are reading this do you still get the ectopics and have you had them all day before?.... sorry just needed to ask you hun? ...... I have been fiancially stressed and I do think this is what has done it!............soooooooooooooooooooooooooo skint!...never been this skint in 10 years! to the point of havin hardly no food in the cupboard ...honest... but I have decided Whats the point in worrying ..I dont think ant of my family would allow us to starve!...suppose it all comes down to pride! Any way i did get out in the snow to build a snowman that I named bob who is in me pic.....them two borin buggers wouldnt help me...................................................................................................................... just had panic attack whilst writin this.. had to do a big leap outside to calm down!.... bless I was there upset sat on the kitchen floor and Rueben came up to me a licked my tear ! and sat up close to me...he sensed I was upset...dogs are so wonderful ..especially my Rueben x signin off to try n chill.........................................................WHEN AM I GONNA GET BETTER GOD! I WAS DOIN SO WELL.....WAT'S HAPPENED (CRY CRY)

Set back....It's a long road to recovery!

Well i have had an awful week..... had the old flutters and palps back ...but hey..I have had a gud month... so I shouldnt really complain...I feel less scared because I think.. well Rach.. you had such a gud month with hardly any palpatations ..soI dont think a heart problem comes and goes on its own..... I think it may be due to the fact that I have a heavy cold and have been poorly...Im hopin so ...so this week I need to get up back on me feet and try to get back to where I was before...I have still been getting out and about even with the palps I thought No chance mate are you keeping me in!!... I WENT SHOPPING WITH THEM, BEEN DECORATING AT NEILS WITH THEM ( iN TOWN MAY i ADD) ... and still wizzin like a mad woman round the streets on me bike of course! LOL .... so please say a little prayer for me cos at this moment in time ..."one feels like shite"

... ;o)

sorry for neglect

I have a cold...feel run down...will post soon....just nought to say... panicked last night as heart rate went up but think it is due to virus...read on net it makes your pulse faster! ... so ill be back shortly ... need to get feeling fitter... x x x x x

Another good week ...Im gettin worried!

The title is really true.. you are thinkin,.. she really is nuts,, but I mean it... i feel that good im scared... scared for the biggy...im not 100% normal loony Rach.. i have a long way to go ... but I feel like I have got to the top of the pit ( or hole) with my eyes peekin out but scared of the lion on the other side! ...if that makes sense! .... This week I went out mon to tesco with Mother... and visited a lovely charity shop on way there... Wed I went to my freinds to help her on her computer.... Thursdy I went to the BIG tesco and did my BIG shop..... and the even better news is this...... you know I have a safety blanket called "my bike" well i can only go so far in the village on the bike ...say 2 streets away...the reason being ...if I panic and my heart starts racing then peddlin home will make it race more.... so this is what is in my head when out on the bike.... so for a while now I have been thinkin I could do with an electric bike...so if i panic I can press the button and with out effort get home! ... but they are around 300 sqid... the lady across the rd has one and I often look at her on it thinkin " if only".... well the other day I went to see her about something and she told me she had got a new one...350.00... so my eyes lit up and I said are you selling the other one...she smiled and said..I was thinkin of you and wondered and she is sellin for 100.00.......... yippieeeeeeee.e..... Im havin it if I can get this money together before she sells it to someone else...this is as good as a car for me..... I can have it in a couple of weeks when hers comes... I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo excited..I just need to scrape together 100.00.... as I am truely broke at the moment... but I shall have to find a way! ... might sell me body! that got your attention LOL... (was a joke) ..... so I shall be able to go further a feild and prob go places on my own... def the shops! .... so guys watch this space! heres hopeing next week is as good as the last! x
WHy do i always give you photos of me!! ... i just thought i looked well on this one... bright n cheerful! LOL.... just a poser really..paul said!

Is this it I wonder

First of all thanks all for your comments regarding my Blog Anniversary/Birthday..so kind and sweet. Well the good news is im still doing ok...... Im not doing loads and going loads of places yet but its the symptoms that are feeling so much better. Last night I went to Andreas to her Parents leaving doo and they got out the wii fit ...I thought "Oh no"... they all went on doing the stuff and they were saying " Go on Rach!" but i was thinking.... no what if I have a panic attack.......... well I never , I beat the whole bloody lot of them.... couldnt believe it!!!! dont think they could either! .... after the first lot I did get a few flutters but after that, I never noticed if I did or didn't..... next week I am gonna help Paul up at the allotments so that is excercise too. ..... I just hope this is the way to go ... I have felt a difference with my heart beat... I feel like its getting back to a steady rythm.... maybe because the stresses have eased a little... I just need to keep occupied. The lady who I help in the community is actually off for 5 weeks in Cyprus so I will be a little lost there for def! But I am gonna try to go up to school myself.... that will be a challenge to go up School Rd by myself as that is where all the trouble started for me, so will give it a go. ...... Oh freinds I pray we all get better this yr..... I really do. We need a break don't we. I know I might never go anywhere by myself etc as I have been like that for 10 yrs or so.... but just to get rid of these awful heart doo's will be fab!..... im half way there...this time last yr, was having them all day, through the night....now it's odd batches... it's the walking i need to combat now. ...sorry for wafflin! ....se ya soon x x x x x

Happy Birthday to my blog!!

Well the easter eggs have been scoffed... the rain came ( that was summer) the leaves fell...and the jingling of bells (rudolf coming to my house) Yes....a whole yr has passed!!!!! I have been blogging for a whole yr! ....wow.... I have met (virtually) some fantastic people who have inspired me...I would like to thank some special people on here..... we have coffecup, Diver,Robert,Sarah who have been followers of my little insane corner of my satalite!.... i can honsestly say.... I feel like I am on the road to recovery.... I am having more good days than bad days.... I just need to take time and not over push myself...I shall still be bloggin if you dont mind! .... I am prepared for set backs...they are normal! .... in fact when i have a whole week where I am sooo bad all this goes out the window but I can say since my HUGE panic attack on Christmas eve I have been fab! ..hardly any palps...and gettin about..although I have took small steps. I still know how I feel in my head... intead of staying in i am having a yearning to go out...cant wait for summer.... looking forward to trying to go for walks in the woods....etc...so does hubby! ...... so happy birthday to my blog...thankyou blogspot for the oppertunity to express my self to so many and also I have had feedback from people saying my blog has helped them...so there is a reason for it all isnt there x x x x x x x x

Happy New Year to you all

What an oppertunity to say " Happy New Year " to so many..... glasses raised to a healthy...healing new year!........ i love you all and am looking orward to some major changes in my lie this year...at the end o the day it is down to me aint it!

Love Rach

Birthday blog is on 8th Jan 9 ( 1 yr of bloogin)....

My new face book friends

Ahhhh Im so happy... I have had 3 new facebook freinds from my blog and also from NMP website ... it is really great to be able to chat online to folk who really really know what you are going through! I have found so many new Friends since having anxiety disorder...its he best thing that has come out of it all.... there is a reason for everything we go through....so to all you peeps who have been so good to me...Thank you...Thank you so much for your support and efforts to keep me sane..... we need to keep in touch with each other especially when companies are going bankrupt...I even thought about the blogging world...what if blog spot go under!!! how would i contact folk....so get on to face book and add me as a friend (Rachel Hughes was parsons) or add me to your msn.... honeysuckleshop@msn.com......... make sure we stay together cos i wouldn't cope with out you all x x x x x x

My nutty Christmas 2008

Hi Folks...Firstly " Mery Christmas to you all" and I hope you had a fantastic day..... I have had a mixed emotions time over this Christmas... too be honest I have been stressed to bugga.... taken too much on.... done too much fartin about and got me self ito that much of a state have had 3 MAJOR panic attack..... one to the point of near collapse on Christmas eve... 1 hr.... heart got stuck in an ectopic rythm one after the other,,,sheer adrenaline.... fear breedin fear and all that..despite all this negative crap...ive ploughed on.... The fri I did do the "Mother CHristmas thing and I did sing my merry heart out on the back of the float...all around the streets of my village...I had Andrea following in the car as a back up..just in case it became a little too much for me and I panicked but i was fine...with 100 people following .... scarey but lovely...x The other thing I conquered wich I still am stunned I did was the super market... went shoppin to Morrisons and I really dont know to this day how I did it!!! It was heaving!...... Libby came to help but she was a bit of a pain in the arse as she really doesnt understand my panic attacks... so i think the Panic attacks have been just delayed stress reaction as today i have been out and have been very chilled...hoping I sleep and dont wake with an attack like I have been . ANy way here are some pics from me being Ma Christmas...I had to strighten my hair to get the bloody hat on! x x x x x well roll onto the new yr... speak soon my little Christmas Puddings x x x x

Tis the season and all that!!!

Well guys how are you all feeling...I really dont know but I do Thank the good Lord above for internet shoppin! every and I mean Every present has been bought from the internet! Its great! I have not had to do busy bustling queues or crammed shops like Primark... being the 30th in the queue with a 99p bargain cos I just cant resist.... so thank you Ebay...thank you Lakeland and Thank you Amazon ..... youve really helped an agoraphobics christmas.... LOL .... as for feelin well.. Im having a good patch...just been through a bad one now its a good one.... But im nervous for Fri ...its the biggie....me on the back of a lorry dressed as Mother Christmas ( as we have a santa now) ..... with a microphone singing down every street in the village.... I cant believe Im doing this.... I cant walk to the corner shop some days but Im gonna do this.... mind you I have me saftey nets ready...EVERYONE on the lorry knows I suffer with P.A's and I have our Andrea drivin at the back of the lorry to make me know if I want off I can! So knowing that.. I will prob be ok! ....... so photos will be on ere.... wait till you see what I am wearing! OMG ...like somot from Ann Summers! LOL...well not quite but not far off... a small! ( as in length of course) being a size 18-20.... mini red dress! with netting under the skirt and a cape and hat and black boots! I was tempted to go with the fishnets but thought better of it seeing as I am waving to children! ....LOL.... so Im officially ready for crimbo...me 9ft tree came this morning! (only 20.00) Got pine needle rash! ...me and Paul nearly divorced this morning.......and after noon as it took that long to do ...we always fall out cos Pauls like a Grinch/humbug this time of yr...I keep theatening 3 spirits will be visiting but he is still a bAHHH humbug! ..Men are terrible for it I think....we do the bloody lot dont we girls and they sit moaning! My Dad was the same.... Is the same LOL..... One yr I was only 17 and Dad kept saying...dont get me ought.... dont want ought..so I got a massive box and wrapped it up with a toothbrush inside .. a travel one at that.... and he actually shed a tear ...so he never says it now! LOL..cured that one ! I am a bitch! but it was funny at the time.... so bysey bye for now peeps..... enjoy your festivities.... Ive made 120 mince pies in 6 days cos of all me visitors............................ PS .... is anyone on face book....I am Rachel Hughes was Parsons if you wanna add me........ bye 4 now .... xxxx God what a waffle!

Set back but still plodding

Stress levels been up to an amazing hieght..... palps been terrible....the only thing that keeps me sane is the fact I have had a bit of a break from them,,,, been very stressed over finances... I went to school the other day and struggled big time with constant palpataions but managed to do them this christmas display.... no one knew how much I just wanted to go home. ... Yesterday I have a MASSIVE neighbourhood watch meeting where I had to sit infront of 100 villigers and talk along side the police, inspector and sergeant... I phoned up my freind half an hr before and said I couldnt do it as I was in the bath panicking ... but i got out... got ready and was stood at the side of the road for her to pick me up! she was pleased, i was shittin it...but i was OK! Very nervous, heart was pounding but I never ran out....... but the other day I was delivering leaflets with my freind and all of a sudden Panic came.... heart went all out of sync... i stopped a car ( thank fully I knew him) and he took me home...... it was a street I dont normally go down, so of course I felt very defeated! ............. but Ill keep plodding! what else can I do xxxx stay tuned hunnies xx

feeling better

Hi peeps, I have not been here for a while cos I have been soooooo busy gallavanting! I have been going out and about

pics are me @ andreas

peeps...at the weekend I went to Andreas on the farm with Libby ..it was great andguess what ...never panicked, slept like a baby and felt great! I feel like I am improvin at the moment (dont know how long it will last) but i am def doing things that I wasnt doing this tome last yr! I have started back at the supermarkets agin rahter than shopping online with Asda! I am having less palpitations and less panic attacks and I have started to walk with my bike in my hand for a little bit..... Even my panic attacks have been shorter! I just hope and pray to God this continous.... I know I may have a set back but ive got to be prepared for it! ..... at least i have had a break...and it has made me convince myself my symtoms are anxiety and not an illness.... Please pray for me peeps ..I need tto stay focused and carry on...I have been doin allsorts in the community and loving it! ... i have a purpose in life again ...a reason for carrying on.... xxx take care guys!
This pic is of the christmas boxes.... me and mum do the "samaritans Christmas child" every year, its a great cause...just fill a shoe box with essentials and gifts for a war torn child. for some reason its come out sideways!

Naked neck dispute!

Right guys i need your help.. you know we bred

the naked necks this yr ...well now they are fully grown and have these great big naked necks..... I think in the winter during frost and snow these poor little naked neckies will get cold... I am in a dispute with Paul.. I am wanting to knit some neck tubes to keep them warm! I have asked his mother and she is all for it! What do you think... should I??.... I am not one for dressing dogs up or anything like that, its not for cosmetic purposes its practical!!! they need to be warm! but he thinks im nuts!!!!!!!!

I feel like a pupa!

Yes I do, I feel like a Pupa on the underside of a dark tree with the prospects of knowing one fine day a stunning colourful me with emerge... but at the moment I do , I feel like a pupa, locked inside this dark and warm area of my life but I am lookin positive,.... I know it seems a contradictive statement but I do .... the symptoms of the stress are still hovering , some days really bad...but Im still getting out there...today i did a craft stall at the village hall....my father inlaw picked me up and dropped me off and I sat there on my little (big) self and sold £45.00 of my creative little projects to members of the public! Libby came after 2 and a half hrs....I was fine.... i then got a lift home.... the thing that is getting to me the most at the moment is this fear of walking anywhere..... is this a symptom of agraphobia or is it a fear of walking..... i fear to walk because the min' I do the old heart starts to flip and flop... but when i have to walk I get my self so worked up that its gonna do it that it does it anyway!!!! do you understand...what are your feelings on this....do you think im dying or do you think its fear causing these palps when walking about!....anyway here is some photos of my stall.... lets hope the butterfly emerges soon guys............... for us all..................