Thursday, 12 June 2008

A little bit of me coming back

Well today I had a moment, a moment of feeling me again...it was only for a short while...does any one know what I mean... I was sat at my Mothers after drying her hair and I thought WOW I aint felt my heart even beating never mind doing any flips or anything... And I felt ace and normal and me.. but this wk I have tried to do the things I used to do ... me and Paul are talking about getting back into growing veggies again next yr, I am starting to collect me jars to make me jams and chutneys again like I used to do ...and I even made some bread tonight by hand which IS STUNNING!!! Me and Paul love being self sufficient and we feel like we have lost something of our selves...I want it back, I want to grasp life with everything I have and enjoy it and try to move on...the biggest hurdle in my life at the moment is walking anywhere without my bike.... I am so scared to walk on own...IS THIS PART OF AGRAPHOBIA? I dont know or am I just nuts or am I dying of heart desease.... the only thing that convinces me I am ok is the fact that when I aint tuned into my own body I am fine..... OH I HOPE I BECOME SANE AGAIN 36 yrs old and wasting all these yrs....I hate it! piccy is me and mummy

2 comments:

Coffeecup said...

Answer to your question 'is this part of agoraphobia?' Yes! Your bike is a 'safety tool' that reassures you and makes you feel in control if you need to get home speedily and back to the safe place. Yeah? Irony is that you went and hurt yourself in public, flat on your back and what happened? Laughed your head off!!!! Did you panic??? Run away??? Well done you wonderful woman!

Your heart bumping is most likely to be because your brain is triggering extra adrenalin in your system so you can quickly flee or fight the situation. Bit of stressful thinking and off it goes!

I really hope you get on your lottie and plant some veggies, can't recommend it enough! Home made pickles and a slice of fresh bread sounds like a slice of Heaven. Doing your Avon, going to Essex, do you realise how fantastically brilliant you are doing?? You're an absolute star!!!
xxX

Rachel's Diary said...

when you read the list of achievments like that! yeah...im doin ok... thanks for pointing it out to me xx yeah my bread was lovely x