I could seriously cry

Just woke up about half an hr ago to a run of ectopic/out of sync/irregular beats for about half an hr (just calmed down)......cannot believe these fucking things are back! yeah I am swearing...for the first time on my blog! I am SO pissed off...I ain't had any of these damn things since Jan and then they come....its like \i get rid of it and some evil bitch posts it back to me......... i don't mind the odd flutter through the day...that really don't bother me...... but when it gets into that rhythm of miss beat miss beat......you just think it will never ever go back..... i don't want this ...i want it to go .......... i will work on it peeps!....after what i have achieved this yr i cant let it get hold of me again!

BLOODY back again!!!!!

Hi peeps...... well I have been having an amazin time..... gettin out and about... to say I was agoraphobic a few months ago .. u would think I was lyin... I am also walkin more.... the palps did go...it was an amaziin feelin to feel normal and not worry about doin anything....but the other day they came back....but you know what .......truth.......and I think you will believe me you know.......I REALLY DONT CARE..... let them....for now i dont give a shiney shite ... let em happen....they will go ,,, i have had months and months with out them.... so im sure they will go again....it aint gonna stop me gettin out like before..... it just prooves IT IS ANXIETY! as i have had a few things to worry about lately..... I have even become part of a reenactment group and have been out and about with that...... I cant go back to how i was before.... not movin from the floor....watchin tv.....scared to walk to the kitchen for fear of them..... no no no ...they are not grabbin me again!...off out today for a walk around the next little village wiv shops etc..... take care freinds...x

Still doing well but a little hormonal!

Hi my lovelies..... just a quick update, I am feeling pretty normal!... still prone to the palps but nothing like they were....they are copable!...... where as before I coudnt cope at all.... makes you relaise how strange and amazing our bodies are.... but I do have a little theory...... I have seen a link.... If your a bloke shut your ears! lol.... HORMONES!!!!.... since Dec my cycle has gone haywire... missing periods and then bleeding for 4 weeks ..missing spotting! but since all this I have had less palps.... someone suggested i could be going through an early change or in peri menopause.... which im 100% sure of....one of the symptoms of peri menopause is palpatations...anxiety and panic attacks!!!!!! ohhhh heelllooooo!!!!! .... I really think it has had an effect!... so ladies...you may wanna think about that.... I am just praying they dont come back like they did.... . I still feel though that the agoraphobia has been a mental block with fear due to panicking whilst out...and I feel i have combatted that on my own . ,, so who knows eh! I am young to go through menopause but not to start peri...i was 38 the other day..(old git I know)... so i shall just have to see whats in store LOL...take care peeps ...speak soon x

livin proof you can kick it in the ass

You have followed me through thick n thin.... when i have woke in nights of flooded panic i have blogged.... days when i have not wanted to move or been to scared to go to the shop 3 doors away from my home!!! ...i have even had agoraphobia with in my own walls... scared to go from livin room to the kitchen...my space was becoming more and more limited... till in the end i knew i had to do something...i wanted to put it in order how i achieved this.

these are the things that affected me

1. couldnt be left on my own at all

2. couldnt leave the house

3.couldnt walk far with out feelin breathless or heart pounding

4.hated having visitors

5. had night panics every night so didn't sleep.

now....

1. love being on my own

2. Do everything i can to leave the house all the time ...love being out now

3. just started to walk a little now....do go to town and walk a little now

5. love having peeps round... been having lots of parties...body shop...ann summers etc

6. sleep like a baby

how have i achieved these things

1. started a little job ...avon so i had to get out and had to deliver goods as people were expecting me.

2. got freinds to take me in the car to places knowing i may have to turn back.

3. began to get involved in things within the community...i.e school....feeding the old folks at village hall....craft stalls....even though i was doing all this i was still having all the symptoms...but ploughed through

4. bought an electric bike to get my independance.

5. had people on standby when left on own knowing i had me bike there if i needed help.

6.put me self in vunerable situations but always got back up.

7. eat better... no processed food

8. drink plenty of water.

hope some of this helps! x x x x x x x x x

t

HEALING IS BEGINING

AFTER NEARLY 3 LONG YRS I SEE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL..... LIFE IS FEELING LESS WORRYING, BUT THE BEST BEST BEST NEWS OF ALL IS ......... THE PALPATATIONS ARE STOPPING,, THE PAST 6 DAYS I HAVE HAD THE SAME AMOUNT OF HEART FLUTTERS ETC AS I HAVE IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES....... I FEEL LIKE ITS BECOME REGULAR AGAIN................................ THE AMAZING THING IS.... IT WAS ANXIETY.... ANXIETY DID THIS TO MY BODY... BUT ITS AS IF IT HAD TO HAPPEN AND WORK ITS WAY OUT.... I KNOW I MAY EVEN GET THEM AGAIN.... I KNOW THAT BUT I HAVE TO TELL MYSELF...ITS JUST STRESS A SILLY THING THAT HAPPENS TO MY HEART.... BUT ITS NOTHING THAT WILL KILL ME.... IT WAS GETITNG TO THE POINT THAT IF I MOVED OR STOOD UP ETC THEY WOULD START... I HAVE BEEN DOIN A LITTLE BIT OF WALKING AND HAVE BEEN OK....PRAY FOR ME GUYS ...PRAY THAT THIS IS THE START OF RACHEL BEING BACK.... GOD HELP THE WORLD IF IT IS!.... I HAVE LEARNED ALOT FROM THIS EXPERIENCE...... ITS BEEN A PROPER PROPER JOURNEY... BUT THE KEY THING IS TO KEEP YOUR SELF BUSY AND MOTIVATED ... I HAVE DONE THE MOST DARING THINGS DURING MY BAD TIMES LIKE GETTING INVOLVED IN THE COMMUNITY AND ALSO NOT HIDING AWAY... MAKING ALLOWENCES FOR MY OWN FEARS AND HAVING FREINDS AROUND ME WHO CARE AND UNDERSTAND AND WHO ARE NOT SICK OF HEARING THE SAME OLD THING HAS BEEN HANDY AND HELPFULL. SO GUYS HANG ON IN THERE.... YOUR SYMPTOMS WILL EASE... I HAVE GONE FROM SITTING ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR WRAPPED IN BLANKETS AND WATCHING TV SCARED TO MOVE AND WHEN I DID HAVING A PANIC ATTACK TO GETTING OUT AND ABOUT WITH THE AID OF PEOPLE AND MY LECKY BIKE.....! ...OH YEAH ... YOU KNOW IT ALL STARTED WHEN I RODE TO MY MOTHERS AND HAD THAT MASSIVE ATTACK ON MY OWN...WELL THE OTHER DAY I RODE THE SAME JOURNEY... ON MY OWN BUT ON MY ELECTRIC BIKE.... IT WAS SOMOT I NEEEDED TO DO ... I DID IT.. I FELT NERVOUS A FEW TIMES AS ONE PART OF THE JOURNEY IS A 2 MILE LONG RD IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE.... FEILDS EITHER SIDE..... BUT I DID IT.! BIKING IT WITHOUT ELECRTIC WOULD HAVE BEEN A DIFFERENT STORY LOL...BUT HEY WHO KNOWS MAYBE SOON ....X SPEAK SOON HUNNIES...... IF YOU WANNA ADD ME ON FACE BOOK SEARCH FOR RACHEL HUGHES WAS PARSONS WENCH AND YOU WILL FIND ME! TAKE CARE!!!!

Hello Peeps

Hiya freinds.... I'm here...gosh I can't believe how long it has been since I have blogged.... wot does it mean...it means I no longer am suffering from agoraphobia..... bUT I still have the odd panic attacks and suffer very bad from the palpitations which makes me scared to walk far with out my bike..... so i still have a mile or two to go ... I did loose wieght in the summer and I found that my symptoms nearly dissapeared...but since then i have piled all the weight back on and a little more.... constant battle for me..... I have also been undergoing some therapy this yr for my fear of doctors and also for some fears from childhood crap..... it has been with a good freind of mine who is a qualified therapist and we are doing the "Theratappa" therapy..where you use a machine and vibrations to stimulate the brain and train it into not going into panic mode and finding a safe place..... up to yet it has started to work... i have had a change in attitude and also have "found myself" a little if i can sound corny! lol....... I have been also getting out and about helping my freind do party plan for Ann summers... It isn't my job and i dont get paid but i am off in the car with her all the time and helping her out... I am lovin it... we go all over and it has really helped me to meet new people again and to also not be feared of being away from home.... I shall try to get back on here more ... i promise... i hope all my readers ( if you aint buggered off) are well and on the road to recovery!!!! Lets hope and pray 2010 is a good yr...speak soon hunnies!

bike tomo

Ohhhhh Im all excited... tomo is me big day... me day of freedom again...been a bit house bound since not had me bike....been out and about in the car etc but not round many streets although i have been using the pedal bike to go shopping and done it on me own.....so will def be gettin some piccies on ere....... got pa;ps as i write cos just had a chinese and stuffed me face. signin off for now xxxx

new lecky bike on its way

DO U LIKE IT!

Hi peeps..... been a busy bunnies and have dont the terrible thing and forgot to talk to you all.... I have been doing alot of stuff with the village....and I am now about to get me new lecky bike at the end of the week so i am gonna be going far on it throught the country side to me mothers about 4 miles there and back...this will be a challange as this is when it all began before,,, my first panic attack was biking to mums BUT I am on me lecky so NO FEAR! I hope... I am gonna be telling a few people when I go and make sure me phone is topped up so I can ring if I panic..and some one will come for me! SO will have to keep you informed x x x x x x x x x x still love you all!

At last the day has arrived! I Have been for a walk

Yes.... very unexpectadly I have done it peeps..I went to a freinds yesterday and she encouraged me to have a walk to Tesco with her, she never told me how far it was ( it was a mile) but when I got half way ( half a mile) I stopped and waited for her (on my own ) in a park...this was 10 mile away from home, not in my village!.... This has been a massive huge The BIG step for me.... I walked a whole mile there and back and I am so proud of my self... for the first time in two years i can see the light at the end of the tunnell....at last...... here is a couple of videos...as i was thinkin of my blog all the time..... the first vid is me contemplating walking further.... you can see me little mind going and all the questions ....then the other is of me in the park sat down waiting for her on me own... there I was in a very vunerable situation as If i had of panicked I would have had no one or nothing... but i was ok.

Just to add I have walked around my village today...was fine on the way to the shops but back was a bit dodgy but did it ! .whats happening!!!!! x

Havin a great time!

Guys I have been having a fab time lately getting out and walking about.... not totally cured but getting there...can go ANYWHERE now in a car etc ..its just the process of walking to far from the car or being with out my bike.... I can say i feel 85% my self again ...... here is a few vids of my recent day out ...funni! x sorry they are sideways x

OH!!!! HELLOOOOOOO!!!!

I know i know.... where the hell have you been Rach..... well I'll be truthful Ive been getting better guys!!! and really have had limited time due to doing stuff. I hear you say " BRILLIANT".... symptoms are still with me especially the dreadfull heart ones BUT not as bad and also NO MORE night panics! ..... I have had 3 MAJOR panic attacks since Christmas which is brill and better than 2 or 3 a day.... the Agoraphobia feelings have GONE! I am no longer Agoraphobic I am just suffering with anxiety syptoms.... SO guys you ca do it...look at me earlier in this blog... i couldnt walk to the corner shop... I still struggle with walking around and depend greatly on my electric bike which is still going (thank God) but It has helped me emensley getting used to being outdoors again... I often go up the fields with Paul now and even go off round the woods on my own, I go to the shops on my own and actually have a problem staying in..... I am always just having a ride around. My next step is to combat walking without having feelings of having a heart attack lol...... I am currently at Slimming world club and am DEF loosing weight as I believe this will help me. Also Guys Guys Guys... I had my School reunion ...OMG I was terrifeid ... my heart was laeping all over all night BUT... I made it throught the whole eve...Libby came with me and I just got on with it. Here is a piccy of me and libby and me and an old freind ... at the reunion...... speak soon...and thank you for everything people xx...........

Some pictures of my longest trip on bike so far...

Here is a selection of pics of me n paul n doggies and surroundings from me bike ride the other day....3 mile trip..longest ive been on bike for 2 yrs .....here goes....

My first Donation...thank u so much

Well just when I thought It wasn't ever gonna happen....Someone has donated a fee to me towards my bike...I am so happy! ..It is there in my paypal ..I was so suprised this morning when I was checking my emails...SO who ever you are...Thank you so so so so so so so so so so so so much x x x x x x x x you have made me very happy and hopeful....x
It was Paul and mine wedding Anniversary the other day so I charged this old clapped out thing up as much as I could and we went off to the fields as it was very dry..I went off further than I ever have before but it was great as it was mostly downhill so the battery power was fine...just by the time I got home it was pulling on the power..so at least I know I can get away and out up the fields with Paul now but when I get my new bike I know I will be able to go anywhere and everywhere...this one does about 2 miles on the battery but the new one will do 40 miles !!!.......I have some pics of me n paul and the countryside around us..I will post them onto this post laters. We were going today but the rain has started here... looks like its in for the day. SO peeps I am just popping down for me breaky...and once again hunny thank you for donation ...I am so grateful. x

Im still here.........

Hiya.. no I havn't fell off the end of the earth or joined the vast majority yet!...Im still here...had the most awful time financially....Bike, laptop,desktop and then to top it off.....cooker! ....Im cursed I swear...someone somewhere there is a wax figure with black curly hair and a big belly with pins in it !!!! Come on own up!!!!!...lol.... I have been ok...gallavanting all over the place... still not walking far but I have been getting out and about which feels great! ... I went to the hills ( derbyshire ) with a freind the other week in the car...went about 130 miles round trip.... was fab! No anxiety at all! ...also I have a freind who has started doing Ann Summers Party's and she is a little shy so I have been going with her and helping her do the parties...going along the strangers houses and showing them naughty toys and underwear has taken some guts but I have really been enjoying it.... I really feel that my Agoraphobia has been kicked in the but! It is just the walking and palpatations (fear still I suppose) that needs to be sorted then Rach will be back!...................I think my body is kind of stuck in this mode!...fear breeding fear and all that! ..... I havn't blogged much due to comp probs...slow desk top ...no lap top...very frustrating....but all in all things are looking up...im taking more risks.... wouldn't have felt like this if it wasn't for me lecky bike...which is still going by the skin of its tyres!..... I did put a donate button up...peeps prob thought I was a cheeky cow as I have not had a bloody penny!...suppose there worse causes to donate too....peeps starving etc!....well it was worth a try....I will leave it there for a bit as you never know ...a millionaire recovering agoraphobic might just pass this way and take pity!...lol.....yeah right!.... in answer to your question Coffee cup about claiming....if I could get over the bloody fear /phobia of the doctors I would def claim! but you need to have authority from them ...I asked the social...so im buggered!...unless a miracle happens and im cured of my phobia!........... right im off guys..... the pic is me in the derbyshire hills and also of me riding up the fields on me own on me bike!

OMG My worst nightmare....no laptop

Well not only do I need a new bike but now my laptop has fried ! ..it buzzed and spat and smoked and then ....died! ...... so I am now stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea as what to save for first!!!... lifes a bugga! ...well on Monday Pauls mate has asked if we wnat to go out for a ride in his car for the day and go for a picnic...he knows of my situation and he is being great about it... he dont walk far anyway so Im really looking forward to the day out... as I am fine in a car...but i dont want to wander far from the car... so I am not sure where we are going but he is taking his little stove wiv the kettle....bwess! ..... so Im off to browse on ebay for lappy for a fiver lol ....byeeeeeee x