Yippie .. a few good days!..panic free

Oh it has been nice these past 2-3 days have been pretty good with Paul leaving me on my own all day on Thursday and rather than being on tender hooks like normal and planning which freinds are in...and who to run too today.... I was fine... In fact he left me whilst I was in the bath..I dont know if any other panic attack sufferers are like this...if so leave a comment...cos its strange... I just feelmore vunerable and scared...prob something to do with being naked and the fact that I would have to get dressed before I run out into the street ( or would I...LOL...Ive been arrested for worse LOL) But anyway I did it...most of the day...I cleaned and ate lunch which is something else I dont like to do if im on my own.... eating is a no no when on me own as I get alot of my palpatations after eating...palps~panic~panic~palps...vicious circle!!!! I even have to plan my meals around going out...for instance If in a morning I need to go down to the shops i wont eat till I get back...as they start straight after about half an hr after ive eaten...I have read alot up on the subjuect and appaerntly is has something to do with the vegas nerve being stimulated nr the gut to the heart and when ur nervos system is to pot then this sends the wrong signals to the heart which makes it irregular and palp away!!! OMG... something strange has just happened to me guys...and i am gonna write it even if you think im nuts...as I was typing ..Im here in my bedroom as Paul sleeps in the other room ( due to my night terrors) and I had a sense that my late sister just came into my room...I could smell her too!!!! Goose bumps going on ere!!!!!!! OHHHHH !!!! how spookie! ,,, Im not scared ..I have had this feeling about 4 times before.... It makes me want to cry as I miss her so much...she has been gone 4 yrs.... any way back to typing my stuff!!! LOL...you must all think im mad ( I am LOL) well Im doing a bit of ramblin tonight but hey! what this corner of my universre for !!! hoping for a chilling weekend! Big brother nearly over so now its x factor that im enjoying!!! so speak soon peeps and thanks for stopping by! xxxxx PS..... someone found this piccy of me the other day...I was 18 yrs old...note the hat!!!! What a laugh eh!

Life's changes

Well one minuete you have a bouncing baby on your knee and the next she is all grown up and left school and making decisions for her self..... Libby I am talking about of course..my little (grown up) hormonal teenager...she has left school and is a waiting to start college but she is so scared bless her soul...she went to college last Thurs for her induction day and she had been waiting for a freind who never turned up so she walked out in a bit of a panic( not as in a panic attack) just got the jitters.... so we are hoping they let her back in ..got to ring college tomo and sort it out! Well all these goings on has realy been stressing me out..also because me and Paul are on benifits and Libby has left school some financial changes could be taking place and I mean big ones, ...last night I saw the clock round till 5 oclock (felt like proper insomniac) it was horrid with my mind racing around worrying about money etc...paul doesn't work due to health reasons and I can't bloody get anywhere to go to work...but I wish something would come up in my village as I think I am ready to cope and just take the bull by the horns and go out to work as long as it was nr home where Paul could meet me after...so I am gonna look this week for something!!! Phew big step eh! truffles are steady but arnt paying the way as I sill havn't actually made a profit after all my out lay! ...............anyway...any thoughts on how to make some money please let me know....i have even been looking for some of those crappy jobs online but its all scams! earn 500.00 a day! Yeah right! we would all be doing it ! ......well hope u all had a gud Hols.... see ya in the wk xxxxx

GCSE RESULTS! bless her little exam papers!!!!!

Well guys today was the day...lib went and got her exam results from school....and wait for it..........OH THE REGRETS....."OH MUM, I WISH I HAD DONE BETTER" ...the words echo from my own lips when i recieved my dead end , no hope exam results! But the amazing thing is Libby really didn't do too bad, she did better than her freinds, I cannot tell u what results she got out of resect for her...but I am very pleased...she starts college tomo so really who cares, i think life begins academicaly when you leave school! Mine did, with top marks too. I have had a strange old week, for starters it has gone soooooooooo fsat but the old anxiety levels have peaked a little this week ...also thee past 3 days I have had the most awful heart irregularities, some were even painful, like my chest cavity and throat etc was all tense with every ectopic heart beat.... i have had this before so I know I aint gonna snuff it!!!! ....(famous last words!LOL) SO the weekend, Bank Holiday....I wonder what it will bring...the best thing for me is that we get paid early !!! Mind you then I will cry cos Ill be skint on Monday.... so peeps...I am ok but been better and Paul has been busy ...still with the bloody bathroom...will def photo grapg the bathroom for you when its done ( might bloody frame it too) ......This week I had my first order for a wedding for my truffles so i was well pleased with that! so to u all have a gud holiday this wk end...dont do anything I would do!!! LOL xxxxxxxxxxx pic is of naughty Libby in B&Q!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! say no more

Hoping for a better week without illnes!!! Atishooooooooo

Oh me luvs, what a horrid few weeks...I have been unwell for a few weeks with a cold and re occuring very swollen glands in my neck ( gone now) It is not often guys that I am poorly or ill apart from the obvious (hence blog !) but as for colds and flues etc I seem to dodge...prob because I aint at the doc for every sniffle like some folk I know.... dont know when I last had antibiotics, well the last time I was prescribed some was when I was having trouble with some tooth but I never took them..... but I am feeling 100% better...I do think I may have had a mild case of glandular fever as when I was 15 I had a really bad case of them ( along with chicken pox at the same time ) and i was off school about 10 weeks and I always remember the doc saying to my Mum, she will at one point in her life have this back in a mild form probably...so this might have been it. But now Paul is badly and even Rueben has been of it ..... Lib is fine Thank God! Well thhis week Lib gets her exam results, I think I am more anxious about it than her although I have told her I will support her no matter what the results, she has got into college so I am pleased as how many of us ever learnt ought at school....I think life begins when you leave! The next few yrs will be the best ones of her life ! Freedom, parties, student vouchers! LOL..Oh I remember them days! But we wont go there! Not on the WWW!!! LOL.... SO Anxiety levels this wk have been crap ! FLutters galore and really I aint been out much at all.... not any where special...the other day I was sat at my computer thinking about nothing really and Paul was out when all of a sudden ...a surge/wave of adrenaline came up through my body ( you know the one) and the old ticker was going ten to the dozen...well I only had a t shirt on and me knickers(thong...... oh the image for you all LOL) and I thought ahhhh....I need fresh air and water...well it had been raining outside so I went and sat on the wet grass under me fav tree and calmed down........ wiv me phone and started taking photos of me flowers to take me mind of things.... so Im there under a bush takin photos of me sen and me tree n flowers in a thong...when I looked up me neighbours daughter was looking at me... ( we dont talk)... I thought BUGA! she must think im a right silly cow. she sharply shut the curtains so I carried on...when Paul came back I erd im shout Rach...where r u... I think He thought " what the hell have i married" when he saw me in me state,, but it's tuff, I would stand on me ed in the middle of the front garden if I made me better!!!!! , any how peeps, thanks for popping by, nearly wrote pooping by then and had to delete LOL!........ speak soon xxx

Ive won An Award?????...I thank you coffeecup

Well I aint blogged for a while due to being soooooo busy in the house , decorating the bathroom and other stuff and guess what guys...im feeling 35% better and I shall tell you why...I been on a website .... http://palps.chemicalforums.com/cgi-bin/YaBB.pl?num=1218104995 and I have been in contact with a heart doctor!!!!!!!!yes ...me ...a doctor111 He is fab I have heard of him from No More Panic and they assure me he is a real doctor (retired) so I told him every symptom that I get and he explained to me what is happening and that it is all stress ad my body is in High alert mode...since then i have still had them but not half as bad at all...... so i am feeling great ..also on the website folks are the same as me if not worse ....

SO ANYWAY THIS IS WHAT i READ ABOUT ME FROM THE FANTASTIC WEBSITE OF COFFEECUPS (I dont know how to link websites with the title like you do...you will have to tell me) http://theagoraphobicjourneywoman.blogspot.com/

Any way this is what she wrote bless her little cotton socks .....

Rachel (The Bizarre Diary of Rachel Hughes) Effervescing with bubbliness and warmth. A genuinely lovely lady with an eternally optimistic personality even when the chips are down, you'll laugh and cry along with Rachel's diary, all beautifully written in a gorgeous Nottinghamshire dialect

Now int that nice!!! really touched me hun...thank you. I am fine... chocolates are still selling ...just had me first wedding x x x so to all fellow bloggers ... keep reading as I am still here and will never stp blogging... its too good for your mental health LOL!! xxxx

You would be so proud of me!

Well guys what a FANTASTIC day I have had.... I decided this morning to ask my mate Neil if he wanted to go to the carbooty.... when he said yes I thought " Oh Lord, what have I said" , I asked him if we went to park as nr as he could get as I was nervous walking up the massive hill there is...he mumbled and said he would try... dont have much sympathy does my mate... but to cut a long story short he did which was fab...any way the best bit is that Paul came with me too.... So I set off out of the car with the little heart pattering away and a few flips as I thought can I really do this so I thought right if you panic you can sit down on the grass and chill, so we strated around the stalls and after about 10mins I was absolutly fabulous! I was loving it... me and Paul were like 2 antique hunters and we aquired the greatest of bargains after a bit of bartering etc.... at one point them two went back to the car and left me on my own for about 10 mins... I was nervous but not panicky...when we walked back to the car we had to go up a bit of a hill so I felt that great i marched up it and had Not one flutter or anything! .... Please God let this be the beginging of getting better!!! I feel fantastic , I just hope it carries on...... This is me smiling in my garden today cos I am sooooooo happy! And to add Libby has been a lot better, fab infact and I do believe this has helped me as I am feeling so less stressed xxx Thanks Libby...I love you xxx

The most amazing Day

Well guys I have had one of the best days in months... Libby asked me to go to her grandma's with her and have lunch... we had a lovely dinner and sat together..libby ignored her phone and laid in my arms for a cuddle, then we played silly games and had a laugh. Then we went home where she said she was going out to see her mates but she stayed in with me and we watched MTV cribs for ages, I was popping over to me mothers to see andrea as it ws her birthday and lib said "Oh I will come too" We ended up in my mums back garden under the light...enjoying the evening untill we saw some massive frogs.... libby started chasing them around... and caught one...so I said..If you kiss it I will give you a fiver....so she bloody did!!!!!! So Im £5 down LOL!!!! Keep calling her wart lips and to hop it !!! LOL....so we had an ace day! No flutters even after going upstairs!! But can I add, when I was at Pauls mums having dinner ll of a sudden in my right eye I had the strangest thing start to happen..it was like a shimmering that got bigger and bigger and had colours in it..then after about 10 mins it went....they were all laughing at me cos I thought I was having a stroke...they said it was a silent /painless migraine and prop' due to my head cold! Scarey though.......but apaprt from that...fab time today...Libby been a dream! Hope it keeps up I really do.... its helping my anxiety loads x piccy is a portrait done of libby by my sister when lib was about 2 yrs old ace int it!!!! them were the days xx

So run down and full of cold!

Well peeps, I have just finished it off! The week has been crap and now have a big red nose! (shame it int christmas, rudolf could have had a night off) and me glands are really up!...Paul is sick of me blowing me hooter but its tuff!!! I have to listen to his banjo playing! I feel ok but look like crap and have a really bad cold! My mum said its good that me glands are up cos it means im fighting it! She will say ought so I dont panic...cos I mentioned Lymph cancer! but im sure she is right LOL!!! In fact Paul keeps sneezing now..but of course he wont have a cold he will have Man flue or other wise known as bubonic typhoid virus colditess!!! Well today i have had a good day with the old anxiety ..hardly any flip flops in the old heart area! Prob cos im more worried about me MUMPS! (cos ive been through that one too LOL) ,, Me and Libby are better...she has been to her nan's for a few days...said she was leaving home last wk but now she misses me and wants to come home! (knew she would cos she loves her mummy) I was glad as I hate her not being here..I missed her so much too! SO things are looking up ...im feelin better in myself... just this stinking cold! .....the picture isnt me by the way...its just what I look like LOL

floods~not of the rain type......My tears

I have had the most emotional week of my life...everything has come to a head... I have never felt so near to ending it all on Thusrday... I had fall outs with Libby and Paul...Paul had told his Mum a week ago that we were splitting up (news to me) but on thurs when I came home from my mothers he was in floods of tears and told me how he had been feelin..... This are alot better now...i think we all needed to get stuff off our chests...And we definatly did for sure... Me and aul are gonna make some changes to our relationship and Libby is going to her nans for a wk or 2 to try and sort her head out ( thank God) . I obviously feel that its my panic attacks that are doing this to the family but I have stressed to them all that I need help...not just to be left on my own all the time ... Libby still being a pain but I really think she will be better when she starts college and gets a place in life at the moment she is more or less in limbo! We all went through it as a teen, wouldn't be normal if you didn't x SO I am hopeing for a better week. we are gonna be starting on the bathroom, we have started the back garden together yesterday.... Oh yes...yesterday, i did loads in the garden with Paul, I was working really hard in the garden, pulling big nettles and I was red hot, my heart was pupming normal and guess what I had no flutters at all not untill later on when i was relaxed....weird int it! But i was well impressed I had none when i exerted my self x so guys, hope you are all well and watch this space cos im wanting calmness in my life from now on... and positivness x x x heres hopeing!

Gotta keep going!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well guys I have been marvalous if I say so myself... Wed night I had me ftruffle party and stood up in front of 12 ladies and did a demonstration and taster session of my truffles... I was nervous before I got there but the min I got into it I was fine.... But today has been the biggi..... I went to the local market in the next town on in Dinnington ( never been to this market) and was nervous but then after I started off around the market on me own having a great time...not one flutter not one panic...in fact I waltzed back to the car like a looney with heavy bags...when i sat in the car I thought ..ohhhhh no tight chest...no flut fluts! well pleased .... then it was on to tesco...absolutly fine all the way around until the last last isle then all of a sudden a flutter...then another...then another...then panic set in...heart went wonky and I thought right you can bloody go wonky...I put all the food on the belt...packed me bags...i told me freind who was with me (who was not sympathetic at all...in fact he rolled his eyes...which well upset me) and he actually helped me pack but then just walked off and left me to follow ...then I calmed down and everything went back to normal rythm....thank God...but I never rang out..I just let it happen ..I thought it wont kill me...It cant ..... xxxx so how clever am I ...I had another little doo later in the day...so I laid on the floor and spoke to my mum (never told her I was panicin)

Pic is me at me truffle party!

Crap Crap Crap!

Well I think the title my express how Im feeling! Um I think its a little crap! ... I am bloody sick to death of feeling like this...I want me old self back again...its driving me nuts... I woke up in the night shaking from head to foot... heart pounding then all wonky ..went on for 10 mins but felt like an hr...this horrid trapped life I have at the moment is no joy! I mean for goodness sake im in me 30's ...I should be enjoying life and getting out and about...I wish I could drive..at least I might get out of the village more...As i dont do buses if I can help it.... no control over turning back if i feel dodgy! WHEN OH GOD AM I GONNA BE RACH AGAIN! ?????????? I know people have worse stuff happening in their lives like cancer etc but this is my life...and it is being ruined by this monster "FEAR"............. well today I did a very brave thing...nothing to some folk but somot to me..I went to my Friends to help her clean ready for the decorators coming tomo and she said she had to pop down the street first to the doctors...so I said well I need to go to the Post Office...so I said I would wait in the car in the car park at the doctors! WOW HOW BRAVE AM I!!!! I actually sat in the car for half and hr and waited for her...I nearly lost it 3 times but managed to keep my cool by playing with my phone and texting people I really dont like (LOL) and having in my mind that if the heart started I would run to the road and stop a car to take me home as I know nearly everyone in the village...these survival tactics actually saved me... I know it sounds daft all this but I have a phobia of doctors etc... cant help it..its not a fear or a silly dislike it has gone beyond it to a PHOBIA! even passing my local doctors sends my heart flippin....How the hell do I get rid of it! By going to the doctors??????? Any mental health people out there that can give me some advice please do... Im going now to hopefully go nan nights...sorry that my posts have been solom and borin lately but I suppose it represents my disposition . Nighty nights peeps....PS ..truffle party 2 mo night so hopefuly will sell some...doing really well with them. ANY ONE Want ANY!?????? piccy is me garden last week! will post new one for this wk....colour galore

Im back peeps

Well what a rough ride it has been..... I have had a gud time with tessa and she is really really easy to look after but my gudness, the anxiety of looking after a child with special needs is hard going due to responsibility, especially when that child is someone elses, but I have enjoyed hercompany, Tessa does not speak so we have to communicate through Makaton sign lanquage, she actually taught me some new words by asking her to sign them to me. I have been making truffles all week, 196 truffles I have made in 4 days LOL!!! Im truffled out!!!!
Well do you wanna hear somot funy (wasn't at the time though) well, you know my "sacred" bike! well today it got stolen out of my garden!!!! I was devastated, my life was ova! No bike...can't go anywhere!! GUTTED! I bought the bike from Paul's Aunty Nelly who is 81 and still was riding this mountain bike up a massive hill to get her carrots and bread etc but it got too much and she let me have it for £25. ....anyhow to get to the point what happened was her Grandson was walking passed our house ( didn't know we lived there! ) and he was a bit tipsy...he saw the bike and took it from the garden...one of my neighbours (Herbert...bless him) shouted after this fellow saying "Oy...thats Rachel's bike" but this guy shouted F.Off...its my grandmas!! He took the bike back to Nelly's proud he had seen her bike in a garden in Langold and had stolen it back for her!...she went into panic saying to him " I sold it...and you've stole it" Luckily when Herbert told us what the guy had said we knew who it was and have managed to get me little blue bell back!...so I Am active again! Phew what a fright! ...ANyway here are some little pic's a couple of me truffles and some of tess a!

Im still here!

Hi guys I am still here, I have been looking after my sister's special needs daughter who is full time work... I am sleeping there etc and my sis has no internet so I wont be properly blogging till at least next wed..... I am doing well with the responsibility but am struggling big time.... Tessa is easy to look after ...its being away from home that is the prob..Libby is helping me which is good. ... Bye for now xxx

RACHEL'S NEW VENTURE

I have done it ... managed to throw my self into a new venture.... I have started selling my chocolates (truffles) to friends and family.... But the amazing thing is it has took off like you wouldn't believe...folks are going crazy for them... they are all made with natural ingredients and they are stunning...made to order...tommorow a freind is taking me out to Sheffield (scared) to get some packaging ...I want natural packaging ...like brown bags etc... ihave designed my label and my sister painted my logo,, the name of me company (LOL, sounds weird) is poppypoppops...there is a reason for the quirky name ! Honest.... peeps love it, and remember it! ....the piccy is my logo x



Flavours are:
Sailors delight: Rum
Icecream dream : Vanilla
Macapone Madness: Mascapone/lemon
Irish blarney: irish cream
Chocolate heatwave: chilli
Scotttish bliss: whisky
Romantic rose: Rose
Dark and handsome: plain
Chocoholic: All types of choc together
Nutty Nora: Almond
Orange seduction: Orange
Bee's knees: Honey
Do you like the sound.....
80p per choc of your choice in brown rustic bag or gift box of 6 for £5.50 .... P&P £2.50 for uk
Please email me for any orders....pic's of truffles to follow x

IN LOVING MEMORY OF DAWN WRIGHT

Today is the anniversary of my loving sister Dawn Wright on the left...she died 4 yrs ago today suddenly with heart failure due to a long illness. Her Daughter Bridgette (my niece ) on the right died 2 yrs before her of anorexia... My sister is buried holding the ashes of her daughter. It has been a sad sad sad day . Bye folks



Dawn I miss you so much, I love you both and will never forget you...every sunset and sunrise, every lovely flower reminds me of your spirit. I know you see me, I know you see me hurting, the best thing of all is you have no more suffering and no more pain but we are left with the longest strongest pain of all, loosing you. The stars sing your praises of your kindness on a clear night and I see you twinkle in the corner of my eye and I smile...the fun,laughs,silly silly times we had, the banging doors and cross words now seem like a feather blowing away in the breeze into the sea of forgetfulness. Nan nights for now little big sis xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx