My nutty Christmas 2008

Hi Folks...Firstly " Mery Christmas to you all" and I hope you had a fantastic day..... I have had a mixed emotions time over this Christmas... too be honest I have been stressed to bugga.... taken too much on.... done too much fartin about and got me self ito that much of a state have had 3 MAJOR panic attack..... one to the point of near collapse on Christmas eve... 1 hr.... heart got stuck in an ectopic rythm one after the other,,,sheer adrenaline.... fear breedin fear and all that..despite all this negative crap...ive ploughed on.... The fri I did do the "Mother CHristmas thing and I did sing my merry heart out on the back of the float...all around the streets of my village...I had Andrea following in the car as a back up..just in case it became a little too much for me and I panicked but i was fine...with 100 people following .... scarey but lovely...x The other thing I conquered wich I still am stunned I did was the super market... went shoppin to Morrisons and I really dont know to this day how I did it!!! It was heaving!...... Libby came to help but she was a bit of a pain in the arse as she really doesnt understand my panic attacks... so i think the Panic attacks have been just delayed stress reaction as today i have been out and have been very chilled...hoping I sleep and dont wake with an attack like I have been . ANy way here are some pics from me being Ma Christmas...I had to strighten my hair to get the bloody hat on! x x x x x well roll onto the new yr... speak soon my little Christmas Puddings x x x x

Tis the season and all that!!!

Well guys how are you all feeling...I really dont know but I do Thank the good Lord above for internet shoppin! every and I mean Every present has been bought from the internet! Its great! I have not had to do busy bustling queues or crammed shops like Primark... being the 30th in the queue with a 99p bargain cos I just cant resist.... so thank you Ebay...thank you Lakeland and Thank you Amazon ..... youve really helped an agoraphobics christmas.... LOL .... as for feelin well.. Im having a good patch...just been through a bad one now its a good one.... But im nervous for Fri ...its the biggie....me on the back of a lorry dressed as Mother Christmas ( as we have a santa now) ..... with a microphone singing down every street in the village.... I cant believe Im doing this.... I cant walk to the corner shop some days but Im gonna do this.... mind you I have me saftey nets ready...EVERYONE on the lorry knows I suffer with P.A's and I have our Andrea drivin at the back of the lorry to make me know if I want off I can! So knowing that.. I will prob be ok! ....... so photos will be on ere.... wait till you see what I am wearing! OMG ...like somot from Ann Summers! LOL...well not quite but not far off... a small! ( as in length of course) being a size 18-20.... mini red dress! with netting under the skirt and a cape and hat and black boots! I was tempted to go with the fishnets but thought better of it seeing as I am waving to children! ....LOL.... so Im officially ready for crimbo...me 9ft tree came this morning! (only 20.00) Got pine needle rash! ...me and Paul nearly divorced this morning.......and after noon as it took that long to do ...we always fall out cos Pauls like a Grinch/humbug this time of yr...I keep theatening 3 spirits will be visiting but he is still a bAHHH humbug! ..Men are terrible for it I think....we do the bloody lot dont we girls and they sit moaning! My Dad was the same.... Is the same LOL..... One yr I was only 17 and Dad kept saying...dont get me ought.... dont want ought..so I got a massive box and wrapped it up with a toothbrush inside .. a travel one at that.... and he actually shed a tear ...so he never says it now! LOL..cured that one ! I am a bitch! but it was funny at the time.... so bysey bye for now peeps..... enjoy your festivities.... Ive made 120 mince pies in 6 days cos of all me visitors............................ PS .... is anyone on face book....I am Rachel Hughes was Parsons if you wanna add me........ bye 4 now .... xxxx God what a waffle!

Set back but still plodding

Stress levels been up to an amazing hieght..... palps been terrible....the only thing that keeps me sane is the fact I have had a bit of a break from them,,,, been very stressed over finances... I went to school the other day and struggled big time with constant palpataions but managed to do them this christmas display.... no one knew how much I just wanted to go home. ... Yesterday I have a MASSIVE neighbourhood watch meeting where I had to sit infront of 100 villigers and talk along side the police, inspector and sergeant... I phoned up my freind half an hr before and said I couldnt do it as I was in the bath panicking ... but i got out... got ready and was stood at the side of the road for her to pick me up! she was pleased, i was shittin it...but i was OK! Very nervous, heart was pounding but I never ran out....... but the other day I was delivering leaflets with my freind and all of a sudden Panic came.... heart went all out of sync... i stopped a car ( thank fully I knew him) and he took me home...... it was a street I dont normally go down, so of course I felt very defeated! ............. but Ill keep plodding! what else can I do xxxx stay tuned hunnies xx

feeling better

Hi peeps, I have not been here for a while cos I have been soooooo busy gallavanting! I have been going out and about

pics are me @ andreas

peeps...at the weekend I went to Andreas on the farm with Libby ..it was great andguess what ...never panicked, slept like a baby and felt great! I feel like I am improvin at the moment (dont know how long it will last) but i am def doing things that I wasnt doing this tome last yr! I have started back at the supermarkets agin rahter than shopping online with Asda! I am having less palpitations and less panic attacks and I have started to walk with my bike in my hand for a little bit..... Even my panic attacks have been shorter! I just hope and pray to God this continous.... I know I may have a set back but ive got to be prepared for it! ..... at least i have had a break...and it has made me convince myself my symtoms are anxiety and not an illness.... Please pray for me peeps ..I need tto stay focused and carry on...I have been doin allsorts in the community and loving it! ... i have a purpose in life again ...a reason for carrying on.... xxx take care guys!
This pic is of the christmas boxes.... me and mum do the "samaritans Christmas child" every year, its a great cause...just fill a shoe box with essentials and gifts for a war torn child. for some reason its come out sideways!

Naked neck dispute!

Right guys i need your help.. you know we bred

the naked necks this yr ...well now they are fully grown and have these great big naked necks..... I think in the winter during frost and snow these poor little naked neckies will get cold... I am in a dispute with Paul.. I am wanting to knit some neck tubes to keep them warm! I have asked his mother and she is all for it! What do you think... should I??.... I am not one for dressing dogs up or anything like that, its not for cosmetic purposes its practical!!! they need to be warm! but he thinks im nuts!!!!!!!!

I feel like a pupa!

Yes I do, I feel like a Pupa on the underside of a dark tree with the prospects of knowing one fine day a stunning colourful me with emerge... but at the moment I do , I feel like a pupa, locked inside this dark and warm area of my life but I am lookin positive,.... I know it seems a contradictive statement but I do .... the symptoms of the stress are still hovering , some days really bad...but Im still getting out there...today i did a craft stall at the village hall....my father inlaw picked me up and dropped me off and I sat there on my little (big) self and sold £45.00 of my creative little projects to members of the public! Libby came after 2 and a half hrs....I was fine.... i then got a lift home.... the thing that is getting to me the most at the moment is this fear of walking anywhere..... is this a symptom of agraphobia or is it a fear of walking..... i fear to walk because the min' I do the old heart starts to flip and flop... but when i have to walk I get my self so worked up that its gonna do it that it does it anyway!!!! do you understand...what are your feelings on this....do you think im dying or do you think its fear causing these palps when walking about!....anyway here is some photos of my stall.... lets hope the butterfly emerges soon guys............... for us all..................

more courage please

I rang my mummy the other day in tears....I said mum, I am doing so well but my symptoms are worse...why ..does it mean that I really do have a bad heart....my mum said No Rachel... its because you are going beyond your limits and using your courage and pushing yourself so your body is in constant alert! ....makes sense I suppose!.............................need my symptoms to subside...went to Tesco today and was awful but i carried on ,, Neil said it was prob cos it was extra busy................ I need more courage guys... My next thing is tomo where we are going door to door knocking for neighbourhod watch members....................Oh yes by the way....at christmas we have a Father christmas that goes around the village in a lit up trailor its great well this yr.... we have no one to be father christmas, we have all the outfit , beard, hair etc but no one seems interestedso guess who have offered to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES ME!!!! LOL.... agraphobic SANTA !!! lollollollol..BET YOU ARE LAUGHING ARNT YOU ...i will get some photos on when i do it...all the village comes out to see ...i just have to sit and wave and ay ho ho ho ...... actaully heres one better,,, an agraphobic transexual santa LOL...will def need courage then!

Symptoms worse but tuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for your lovely comments, I have done so much but the old anxiety is getting me real good but I dont care ( in a sense) they are gonna be because I am taking my self OUT of my normal comfort zone of sitting on the livng room floor doing my crafts and walking to the kitchen!!!!!!!!!!!! Well over the last couple of wekks I have started up a little group with our neighbours as we actually had a stabbing on the corner of our st and it is always the same two families in the village that are constantly causing criminal damage and also violence...It is the main reason for my illness as I talk about in one of my firstposts as I had terrible trouble from one of these families. Any how I gathered some people and organised a meeting in the community centre and got some of the counsellers involved... well last night was the meeting and I heard the chief inspector from police was coming and asbo officer etc... so I was soaking in the bath last night and the old heart was doing a dance an I thought I cant do this...I cant go...so after a few drops of rescue rememdy and a smack i me face I went..... when I got there ..there was about 40 people from allover the village... I was shitting my self... and they put me on the top table with the police etc...... i thought OH MY GOD>>>>IM AGRAPHOBIC I DONT DO THIS>>>> well guys once it started.... i was taking the room by storm I was talking with no fear to this room of people...people were listening to ME as I was stirring them up to form a neighbourhood watch ...it was fab and not ONE PALP!!!!!!!!!!! today I am off up to the school to dress the hall up for the school halloween disco...... like I said the symptoms are bad at the moment but I am sure it is because I am pushing my self to the limit...but I have to do it...other wise im gonna rot and go stale! ill keep u informed ...... xxxxx LOL pic is me thrilled!!!!!

big changes

Hi guys, I have had an amazing time lately, mixed feelings and a slight positivness that has come out of the blue. Basicaly me and Paul have been going through a rough patch as Paul also suffers from anxiety and also severe depression...it was revealed to me that my illness is affecting him and he is finding it hard to cope..blah blah blah!! like his dont me !!!!! Any way... the last few weeks I have took myself and shook my self and these are the things I have said...

Rachel wherever you are and whatever you do in this short life we have here on earth these symptoms will happen ...BUT...if you try to get on with things and take the symtoms with you and do something active then hopefuly they will dissapear..or I can keep in the house wondering how long Paul is gonna be and quivering because I am on me own and do nothing with my life at all!!!! So.... I decided to do some thing active but do it in my own village, so I have becaome a Parish counseller, a member of the tennants and resisdents association.... im starting a neighbour hood watch, ....getting involved in the community center, im doing christmas dinners for the old bids, activities up at school , i will have my own stall at the christmas fairs ( all 3 of them ) .... and I started a craft course last wed, will be doing that every wed in the wk...... Im still getting the palps but feeling more positive,,, lib was 17 the other day (13th) and me little baby wanted us to go out for a meal, so I did and I loved it...the day after I went and walked about 1/4 of a mile to my freinds house...with out the bike.... I went to town and did some clothes shopping, I have done all this in one wk.... I have pushed myself... and coped...so please say A prayer for me this week that some of these horrid symptoms start to dissapear whilst I get my head busy again!!! the photos are from libs dinner x x x x

Havin a few bad days...............

Well guys... hello again, I am havin a real strugglin time with these old flutters/palpitations.... I am finding alot of them are coming on with stomach gas and wind... at night time the min' I hit the pillow they start!!!! but after a couple of hrs of releasing gas from my chest cavity it settles and they go ...so weird! I have been told that it is when your heart is stimulated by the vagus nerve which runs from your stomach up through your heart, makes sense ...but I just wish my over sensitized heart would start to settle down and my head would stop focusing on them as half the time this is what it is... i think! I hope! .stay with me guys ...i dont seem to get any comments any more on my blog...please let me lnow you are reading this blog xxxx pic is my rueben!

The missing wench! Cant smile at the mo !!!!!!

Im still here people... i have not been bloggin cos I will be honest guys I have not felt like it one bit..I feel I have nothing to say due to my borin tedious life of just trying to hold myself together..... I have found myself in the morning being addicted to Sky movies...then the afternoon is here...then its tea time...then its bed time.... I think I am just havin a bad time as sadley watching my life go by!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

am I getting better?

I really dont know if I am on my way to recovery or what... lately I seem to be having crap days then good days but having longer gaps of good..but the bad are terrible...I still have not conquered the fear of walking about but just feel altogether more positive! I can see light at the end of the tunnel these past few days which is a good sign i think! but then I can come crashing down after a great bought of palpitations or a panic attack in the night etc .... touch wood I have been sleeping better the past 4 nights or so ..thanks to Nytol....

I got offered a job the other day... working for southern electric...£250 a week plus £60 min bonuses a wk..... but its all walking about and you have to go away for a week...so that was a massive NO! I wish I could get a job on the net working from home but everything I look at is a big con! Where are these jobs ..that pay you without you having to invest or download for $100.... If any one knows of any job I can do on the net let me know...truffles are slow...who wants truffles in a credit crunch! signing off...skint and bored!

I love this time of year

This time of year makes me happy... I love the ripe apples on the trees, the leaves beginging to display thier wonderful artistic array of colours.. the talk of Christmas and the thought of bonfire night with the toffee and scarfes and warmth... this has always been my favorite time of year... when I went into the shop down the road the other day all the all the christmas things were on display and I thought whoooppiieee then I thouht OH! I cant afford ought... LOL.. I think alot of us will be in the same boat this year.. Irealy aint bothered... I can make christms nice with handmade presents and mince pies etc LOL...I bet you could all poke me in the eyes talking of christmas so soon...but its only a few weeks away aint it! so come on guys get in to the spirit... Anxiety level has been a mad mixture this week...at the beginging it was terrible but the last couple of days felt fab...strange aint it.. had two good night sleep but before that I have been up every night with anxiety attacks... started back o the magnesium tablets, lime flower, omega 3 and herbal nytol at night... it does help... Well guys here is a piccy of my ugly naked necks...can you remember Oliver the little baby...well this is a piccy of him now ........ what do you think?

Eastenders and Coro Aint got a patch on my lot!!!

Well the family feuding is still on the battle ground...Mother falling out with Daughter ..Sister with Daughter...Sister with sister...Daughter with Mother... I have ever known my family to be under this great canopy of bitterness and distress... I have not reveled in this at all..in fact this past few days it has caught up on me big time.... My sister now wears the ring of her intended and seams happy in her shining new piece of expensive gem on her finger flashing about whilst her situation continues to cause discord amongst the people who love her the most...but what can you do ...she will have to make her bed and lie in it...and make the bugga after she's got out...I have never in my life experienced such a personality change from one person as her.... totally different~ self absorbed, selfish individual! and does it all in the name of God!! Wars have started over less! But I can't do any more ... I wish her all the happiness in the world and hope she doesn't suffer for the way she has treat folk but deep down I keep thinking "Equilibrium" ... balance...what goes round comes round ( I believe in this greatly) I will be there to pick up the pieces but maybe it's something she needs to go through.... I know you are wondering what the hell I am talking about! Sorry I just need to get it out.... x

Here are some pics of my bathroom at last..Paul has finished it..apart from my mirror to go up.... need some work doing on it as its big and old ( like me ) xx

Had time to think

Hi peeps I aint been blogging as I needed some time to sort my head out.... I have been having some major problems with my close family, including my Mother and sister which as so upset me but I have made some decisions and ones that affect all my family but I need to do them. With out sounding big headed ( I assure I aint ) I have been for yrs the person in the family that everyone can reley on...always there at the end of the phone....drop everything for everyone and let my imediate family be affected ( Lib and Paul) well after the experiences I have had with my family this past month I have decided enough is enough...on Fri I absolutly blew my top with my sister over her selfishness and greed but I did it in the wrong way by screaching to the top of my voice over the phone ...unfortunatly it happened to be to my mums house as my sister was there so my Mum heard my terrible Blue language .. but I dont regret anything I said.... I meant ever single word of it..... any way the sad thing is my sister has treated me like crap for long enough and my Mum and dad have not supported me in whats right and moral at all.... I am desperatly always trying to seek my parents aproval by treating them with respect and honouring them ... but I just feel to put it blunt I have been taken the piss of!!!! No more...I love my paernts I realy do ...but i need to protect my self...I have felt sooooooooooo much better since I flipped me lid/vented me spleen/blew me top LOL!!!! SO hopefully it might help my road to recovery as some of the things I said have been waiting to spill from my mouth for 2 years! So will try to carry on me blog...I dont blog as much lately I know... but im still here! so here's the bitch signing off LOL!!!! The new Rachel who dont take no crap!!! I hope!