Hello Peeps

Hiya freinds.... I'm here...gosh I can't believe how long it has been since I have blogged.... wot does it mean...it means I no longer am suffering from agoraphobia..... bUT I still have the odd panic attacks and suffer very bad from the palpitations which makes me scared to walk far with out my bike..... so i still have a mile or two to go ... I did loose wieght in the summer and I found that my symptoms nearly dissapeared...but since then i have piled all the weight back on and a little more.... constant battle for me..... I have also been undergoing some therapy this yr for my fear of doctors and also for some fears from childhood crap..... it has been with a good freind of mine who is a qualified therapist and we are doing the "Theratappa" therapy..where you use a machine and vibrations to stimulate the brain and train it into not going into panic mode and finding a safe place..... up to yet it has started to work... i have had a change in attitude and also have "found myself" a little if i can sound corny! lol....... I have been also getting out and about helping my freind do party plan for Ann summers... It isn't my job and i dont get paid but i am off in the car with her all the time and helping her out... I am lovin it... we go all over and it has really helped me to meet new people again and to also not be feared of being away from home.... I shall try to get back on here more ... i promise... i hope all my readers ( if you aint buggered off) are well and on the road to recovery!!!! Lets hope and pray 2010 is a good yr...speak soon hunnies!

bike tomo

Ohhhhh Im all excited... tomo is me big day... me day of freedom again...been a bit house bound since not had me bike....been out and about in the car etc but not round many streets although i have been using the pedal bike to go shopping and done it on me own.....so will def be gettin some piccies on ere....... got pa;ps as i write cos just had a chinese and stuffed me face. signin off for now xxxx

new lecky bike on its way

DO U LIKE IT!

Hi peeps..... been a busy bunnies and have dont the terrible thing and forgot to talk to you all.... I have been doing alot of stuff with the village....and I am now about to get me new lecky bike at the end of the week so i am gonna be going far on it throught the country side to me mothers about 4 miles there and back...this will be a challange as this is when it all began before,,, my first panic attack was biking to mums BUT I am on me lecky so NO FEAR! I hope... I am gonna be telling a few people when I go and make sure me phone is topped up so I can ring if I panic..and some one will come for me! SO will have to keep you informed x x x x x x x x x x still love you all!

At last the day has arrived! I Have been for a walk

Yes.... very unexpectadly I have done it peeps..I went to a freinds yesterday and she encouraged me to have a walk to Tesco with her, she never told me how far it was ( it was a mile) but when I got half way ( half a mile) I stopped and waited for her (on my own ) in a park...this was 10 mile away from home, not in my village!.... This has been a massive huge The BIG step for me.... I walked a whole mile there and back and I am so proud of my self... for the first time in two years i can see the light at the end of the tunnell....at last...... here is a couple of videos...as i was thinkin of my blog all the time..... the first vid is me contemplating walking further.... you can see me little mind going and all the questions ....then the other is of me in the park sat down waiting for her on me own... there I was in a very vunerable situation as If i had of panicked I would have had no one or nothing... but i was ok.

Just to add I have walked around my village today...was fine on the way to the shops but back was a bit dodgy but did it ! .whats happening!!!!! x

Havin a great time!

Guys I have been having a fab time lately getting out and walking about.... not totally cured but getting there...can go ANYWHERE now in a car etc ..its just the process of walking to far from the car or being with out my bike.... I can say i feel 85% my self again ...... here is a few vids of my recent day out ...funni! x sorry they are sideways x

OH!!!! HELLOOOOOOO!!!!

I know i know.... where the hell have you been Rach..... well I'll be truthful Ive been getting better guys!!! and really have had limited time due to doing stuff. I hear you say " BRILLIANT".... symptoms are still with me especially the dreadfull heart ones BUT not as bad and also NO MORE night panics! ..... I have had 3 MAJOR panic attacks since Christmas which is brill and better than 2 or 3 a day.... the Agoraphobia feelings have GONE! I am no longer Agoraphobic I am just suffering with anxiety syptoms.... SO guys you ca do it...look at me earlier in this blog... i couldnt walk to the corner shop... I still struggle with walking around and depend greatly on my electric bike which is still going (thank God) but It has helped me emensley getting used to being outdoors again... I often go up the fields with Paul now and even go off round the woods on my own, I go to the shops on my own and actually have a problem staying in..... I am always just having a ride around. My next step is to combat walking without having feelings of having a heart attack lol...... I am currently at Slimming world club and am DEF loosing weight as I believe this will help me. Also Guys Guys Guys... I had my School reunion ...OMG I was terrifeid ... my heart was laeping all over all night BUT... I made it throught the whole eve...Libby came with me and I just got on with it. Here is a piccy of me and libby and me and an old freind ... at the reunion...... speak soon...and thank you for everything people xx...........

Some pictures of my longest trip on bike so far...

Here is a selection of pics of me n paul n doggies and surroundings from me bike ride the other day....3 mile trip..longest ive been on bike for 2 yrs .....here goes....

My first Donation...thank u so much

Well just when I thought It wasn't ever gonna happen....Someone has donated a fee to me towards my bike...I am so happy! ..It is there in my paypal ..I was so suprised this morning when I was checking my emails...SO who ever you are...Thank you so so so so so so so so so so so so much x x x x x x x x you have made me very happy and hopeful....x
It was Paul and mine wedding Anniversary the other day so I charged this old clapped out thing up as much as I could and we went off to the fields as it was very dry..I went off further than I ever have before but it was great as it was mostly downhill so the battery power was fine...just by the time I got home it was pulling on the power..so at least I know I can get away and out up the fields with Paul now but when I get my new bike I know I will be able to go anywhere and everywhere...this one does about 2 miles on the battery but the new one will do 40 miles !!!.......I have some pics of me n paul and the countryside around us..I will post them onto this post laters. We were going today but the rain has started here... looks like its in for the day. SO peeps I am just popping down for me breaky...and once again hunny thank you for donation ...I am so grateful. x

Im still here.........

Hiya.. no I havn't fell off the end of the earth or joined the vast majority yet!...Im still here...had the most awful time financially....Bike, laptop,desktop and then to top it off.....cooker! ....Im cursed I swear...someone somewhere there is a wax figure with black curly hair and a big belly with pins in it !!!! Come on own up!!!!!...lol.... I have been ok...gallavanting all over the place... still not walking far but I have been getting out and about which feels great! ... I went to the hills ( derbyshire ) with a freind the other week in the car...went about 130 miles round trip.... was fab! No anxiety at all! ...also I have a freind who has started doing Ann Summers Party's and she is a little shy so I have been going with her and helping her do the parties...going along the strangers houses and showing them naughty toys and underwear has taken some guts but I have really been enjoying it.... I really feel that my Agoraphobia has been kicked in the but! It is just the walking and palpatations (fear still I suppose) that needs to be sorted then Rach will be back!...................I think my body is kind of stuck in this mode!...fear breeding fear and all that! ..... I havn't blogged much due to comp probs...slow desk top ...no lap top...very frustrating....but all in all things are looking up...im taking more risks.... wouldn't have felt like this if it wasn't for me lecky bike...which is still going by the skin of its tyres!..... I did put a donate button up...peeps prob thought I was a cheeky cow as I have not had a bloody penny!...suppose there worse causes to donate too....peeps starving etc!....well it was worth a try....I will leave it there for a bit as you never know ...a millionaire recovering agoraphobic might just pass this way and take pity!...lol.....yeah right!.... in answer to your question Coffee cup about claiming....if I could get over the bloody fear /phobia of the doctors I would def claim! but you need to have authority from them ...I asked the social...so im buggered!...unless a miracle happens and im cured of my phobia!........... right im off guys..... the pic is me in the derbyshire hills and also of me riding up the fields on me own on me bike!

OMG My worst nightmare....no laptop

Well not only do I need a new bike but now my laptop has fried ! ..it buzzed and spat and smoked and then ....died! ...... so I am now stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea as what to save for first!!!... lifes a bugga! ...well on Monday Pauls mate has asked if we wnat to go out for a ride in his car for the day and go for a picnic...he knows of my situation and he is being great about it... he dont walk far anyway so Im really looking forward to the day out... as I am fine in a car...but i dont want to wander far from the car... so I am not sure where we are going but he is taking his little stove wiv the kettle....bwess! ..... so Im off to browse on ebay for lappy for a fiver lol ....byeeeeeee x

I am truely cursed by the nasty bike goblin

This electric bike that I have.. I love it so much..it has helped me so much but the bloody thing just keeps having one thing after the other wrong with it..it is unbelievable. My Father in law is spending moe time working on this wretched bike that I dont know what.. the poor man.

Tell me if you think im cursed, because I swear that at night ,,the little nasty bike goblin comes along and casts nasty spells on it! I beginging to wonder if it will be the death of me! I am saving so earnestly for a new one... I have £159 and my new one is £349... so I have a long way to go ....

Heres whats gone wrong with this bike.

First.. electrics cut off... mended... electrics cut off again...mended....puncture on back nr motor...mended.... suspension went funny...mended....front brake snapped...mended....back brake stopped motor...mended....tyre going down for no reason.....mended....tyre going down again with no puncture.....I MENDED and did it wrong....pedals stuck and wont go rtound....meneded (father in law mended what i had done LOL).....suspension dropped again.....waiting to be mended...and the classic one ..the one that happened yesterday.... the lovely one to bugga up me bike ...are you ready for this one.....THE BLOODY KEY SNAPS OFF INSIDE THE LOCK>>>CANT TURN THE BUGGA OFF!!!!!! so its on all the time...I cant run the battery down or take it off ... its great int it! .... so i wont be selling it... I will be throwing it into Langold lake! .......................so I need to now make £200..........................any ideas...might put up a donation button on me blog!!!!!! what do you think!!!???? LOL !!!!

A dirty laugh!

Well guys I have had a fab night... for the first time during my anxiety I have had an Ann Summers party... I made lots of cakies and scrubbed the house from top to bottom ( always does you good to have folks round, makes you clean ) But the thought of having loads of silly women in your house and entertaing that amount has always set my anxiety levels high...... but tonight guys I have had the time of my life and really enjoyed my self....My freind is gonna be a rep and she wants me to join in with her and come and do the parties with her and we will half the profits! fab! ... will get me out and give me a bit of pin money!... if it happens.... will be good for my confidence as i have now almost beaten my agoraphobia! no probs really to go anywhere any more its like i said its just the walking i need to combat now and Bobs youe uncle I will be fine again! .... Guys can I also just say how good it is to see Gary back blogging...check out his new blog and give him some support , he has had several months of tragedy, losing his wife and he amazingly brings up his daughter who is special needs on his own... he needs all the support in the world right now.. here is his link
http://anxiety-man.blogspot.com/

A head of mixed thoughts and a body of mixed emotions!

Im trying....in my husbands words "yeah , very"..... I am though... I wish my body would connect with my head....does that make sense?...what I mean is...I feel ok in my head..I wanna get out there but my body is saying NO!!!!! but in fact it is the other way around....my body is ok but the head is saying NO....does ya know what i mean LOL...... head sends signals to the body.... der im confused me self now! ... well in the morning im gonna have a go at walking round a small town...it wont be far but i will try........... ahhhhhh scared! but need to go to Wilkinsons as I have put me plastic green house up (well paul has) and I have put some toms in tonight (bought from tinternet...rare types..hierloom seeds) and I have allsorts of flowers to do too! bought some weird seeds from ebay...like black sunflower and chocolate aquilliga... black cherry tomatoes etc....cant wait to see me garden this yr! I love dabblin in the garden and it is so good for you..... althought the past 2 yrs has been bloody crap ... could have grown some Kelp or water lilies! with all the stinkin rain. ..............also another aim is I am gonna go on the sunbed this wk..... I have been gonna go on all wk but im scared...scared of gettin too hot and having palps..and being naked with the palps.... lol...oh the thought!....cos im sick of fake tan... i am goin around like a great big satsuma half the time... i aint ever found one yet that suits me!....need some colour to me ...makes me feel better.....so guys... heres to the wench signing off...till next time! bysey bye lemon pie! my greenhouse is the same as this one!

Sick of feelin like crap

Well I am..... nervous...from the pit of my stomach...still scared to walk far.... I seriously want my life back....sick of it...I aint been bloggin cos whats the point ...its all been bad for so long.... I was feelin better!..... but im worse as ever...I just hope that the good weather will pick me up and give me some hope.... i dont know what to do with myself! ...... how is everyone else feeling??????

Happy Birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Hiya guys....it was my birthday yesterday and I had a lovely day as much as gifts and cards and messages but all day I felt so stressed and upset. Some trouble in the village upset me, being accused of something I havn't done ...it made me so angry I just wanted go bloody mad! I suppose this is what you get when you put your self on the front line i.e Neighbourhood watch.... yes I am still running it wih my freind and we are doing soooo well, nearly 400 have joined up in our village alone...doesn't this say something....we need it! I live in a littel old pit village and the crime at the moment has gone up and up... but the folk are the same folk (criminals) all the time making peoples lives so miserable...I had a lady call at mine last night because she was just sat watching tv all relaxed when bang...egg on her window...she was alone and scared as she knew the kids wanted her attention to be able to hurl abuse...so she waited till they went and came to my door for moral support...she was shakin from head to toe...ok it was only an egg..that's not what bothered her! it was the intimidation!.......... the frustrating thing about all the stuff going on her (knife crime,car damage,assault,shed robbing,theft from houses,burning cars out,nicking from gardens,scratching parked cars) the Police have their hands tied because the judges are not giving out proper sentancing....slap on the wrist, bit of community service and they are out planning the next crime!......................................... what is it like where you live...??? Is it as bad as here....leave me a comment and let me know x

Right then wench...lets get a grip of things!

This is the quote I gave my self this morning!....... because.. Im still a nervous wreck...im still getting the palps...then no palps...panic... etc blah blah blah... but today I have been thinkin about the good things and I have found improvement...... You know me little electric bike that I have still not given you a peep of me on it yet...well these past couple of weeks I have overcome going places on me own on it.... I now can go down the st to the shops on me own as long as Im on me electric bike...... also today I went to the end of the village to the community house as I was helping prepare dinner for the biddies meal we do for them once a month...Well since Ive started there i have always got a lift! well today without even thinkin about it...I trotted/rode/floated there on me electric bike! ...no probs.... so the agoraphobia is going..... so the big question is this!...??? ...... why the bloody hell am i left with this fear of walkin????? every time i walk i feel so vunerable and my heart pounds and goes wonky and i feel like crap...i can walk about the house all day long.... but walk across the road and I struggle ....I feel I have a phobia of walkin ...goin back to that one day when i had that first horrid attack when riding me bike and excercising...its ever since that one day!...is this fear of excersing logged in my head which makes my heart go wonky because it went wonky that day or am I dyin!?.......................... I just wish I could pop along to the doctor but the thought makes me wanna crwl under the keys of this computer and hide away....talk about burying your head in the sand!..... HELLPPPP ME!!!!!! ....... any way to keep you going here is a piccy of a bike the same as mine.....x

Having a tough time

I should be ashamed of myself I know... no bloggin ..no commentin on other blogs..but I promise I have been reading your blogs everyday! .... but I suppose you could say I am a little down, sapped , drained,fed up, tired and down right pissed off. I feel like I have no future at the moment but am sooooo trying to stay positive...life is almost like being stuck in a stagnant pond unable to move due to being poisened by the shite that surrounds you!.... but I have to ...I was introduced the other day to a dvd, book, website about some positive thinking etc...well it goes a bit deeper than that and I have been tryin to give it a go... here is the link to the site ...have a look...it's rather bizzarre and "different" but if it helps me in my life I dont care if it was purple zebras massaging me daily with lavender oil!..... that sounds pretty gud actually LOL..... LINK.... http://thesecret.tv/ it called " the secret"...basically it is supposed to be the ancient answer to the secret of success, health...life! .... works for some...I actually downloaded the film from a torrent site...very intersesting! ........

Come on lass!!!!!

Well I never..... been terrible...thats all I can say...had flutters all day long for 4 days!!,Been here before and it does ease.... sara if you are reading this do you still get the ectopics and have you had them all day before?.... sorry just needed to ask you hun? ...... I have been fiancially stressed and I do think this is what has done it!............soooooooooooooooooooooooooo skint!...never been this skint in 10 years! to the point of havin hardly no food in the cupboard ...honest... but I have decided Whats the point in worrying ..I dont think ant of my family would allow us to starve!...suppose it all comes down to pride! Any way i did get out in the snow to build a snowman that I named bob who is in me pic.....them two borin buggers wouldnt help me...................................................................................................................... just had panic attack whilst writin this.. had to do a big leap outside to calm down!.... bless I was there upset sat on the kitchen floor and Rueben came up to me a licked my tear ! and sat up close to me...he sensed I was upset...dogs are so wonderful ..especially my Rueben x signin off to try n chill.........................................................WHEN AM I GONNA GET BETTER GOD! I WAS DOIN SO WELL.....WAT'S HAPPENED (CRY CRY)

Set back....It's a long road to recovery!

Well i have had an awful week..... had the old flutters and palps back ...but hey..I have had a gud month... so I shouldnt really complain...I feel less scared because I think.. well Rach.. you had such a gud month with hardly any palpatations ..soI dont think a heart problem comes and goes on its own..... I think it may be due to the fact that I have a heavy cold and have been poorly...Im hopin so ...so this week I need to get up back on me feet and try to get back to where I was before...I have still been getting out and about even with the palps I thought No chance mate are you keeping me in!!... I WENT SHOPPING WITH THEM, BEEN DECORATING AT NEILS WITH THEM ( iN TOWN MAY i ADD) ... and still wizzin like a mad woman round the streets on me bike of course! LOL .... so please say a little prayer for me cos at this moment in time ..."one feels like shite"

... ;o)

sorry for neglect

I have a cold...feel run down...will post soon....just nought to say... panicked last night as heart rate went up but think it is due to virus...read on net it makes your pulse faster! ... so ill be back shortly ... need to get feeling fitter... x x x x x

Another good week ...Im gettin worried!

The title is really true.. you are thinkin,.. she really is nuts,, but I mean it... i feel that good im scared... scared for the biggy...im not 100% normal loony Rach.. i have a long way to go ... but I feel like I have got to the top of the pit ( or hole) with my eyes peekin out but scared of the lion on the other side! ...if that makes sense! .... This week I went out mon to tesco with Mother... and visited a lovely charity shop on way there... Wed I went to my freinds to help her on her computer.... Thursdy I went to the BIG tesco and did my BIG shop..... and the even better news is this...... you know I have a safety blanket called "my bike" well i can only go so far in the village on the bike ...say 2 streets away...the reason being ...if I panic and my heart starts racing then peddlin home will make it race more.... so this is what is in my head when out on the bike.... so for a while now I have been thinkin I could do with an electric bike...so if i panic I can press the button and with out effort get home! ... but they are around 300 sqid... the lady across the rd has one and I often look at her on it thinkin " if only".... well the other day I went to see her about something and she told me she had got a new one...350.00... so my eyes lit up and I said are you selling the other one...she smiled and said..I was thinkin of you and wondered and she is sellin for 100.00.......... yippieeeeeeee.e..... Im havin it if I can get this money together before she sells it to someone else...this is as good as a car for me..... I can have it in a couple of weeks when hers comes... I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo excited..I just need to scrape together 100.00.... as I am truely broke at the moment... but I shall have to find a way! ... might sell me body! that got your attention LOL... (was a joke) ..... so I shall be able to go further a feild and prob go places on my own... def the shops! .... so guys watch this space! heres hopeing next week is as good as the last! x
WHy do i always give you photos of me!! ... i just thought i looked well on this one... bright n cheerful! LOL.... just a poser really..paul said!

Is this it I wonder

First of all thanks all for your comments regarding my Blog Anniversary/Birthday..so kind and sweet. Well the good news is im still doing ok...... Im not doing loads and going loads of places yet but its the symptoms that are feeling so much better. Last night I went to Andreas to her Parents leaving doo and they got out the wii fit ...I thought "Oh no"... they all went on doing the stuff and they were saying " Go on Rach!" but i was thinking.... no what if I have a panic attack.......... well I never , I beat the whole bloody lot of them.... couldnt believe it!!!! dont think they could either! .... after the first lot I did get a few flutters but after that, I never noticed if I did or didn't..... next week I am gonna help Paul up at the allotments so that is excercise too. ..... I just hope this is the way to go ... I have felt a difference with my heart beat... I feel like its getting back to a steady rythm.... maybe because the stresses have eased a little... I just need to keep occupied. The lady who I help in the community is actually off for 5 weeks in Cyprus so I will be a little lost there for def! But I am gonna try to go up to school myself.... that will be a challenge to go up School Rd by myself as that is where all the trouble started for me, so will give it a go. ...... Oh freinds I pray we all get better this yr..... I really do. We need a break don't we. I know I might never go anywhere by myself etc as I have been like that for 10 yrs or so.... but just to get rid of these awful heart doo's will be fab!..... im half way there...this time last yr, was having them all day, through the night....now it's odd batches... it's the walking i need to combat now. ...sorry for wafflin! ....se ya soon x x x x x

Happy Birthday to my blog!!

Well the easter eggs have been scoffed... the rain came ( that was summer) the leaves fell...and the jingling of bells (rudolf coming to my house) Yes....a whole yr has passed!!!!! I have been blogging for a whole yr! ....wow.... I have met (virtually) some fantastic people who have inspired me...I would like to thank some special people on here..... we have coffecup, Diver,Robert,Sarah who have been followers of my little insane corner of my satalite!.... i can honsestly say.... I feel like I am on the road to recovery.... I am having more good days than bad days.... I just need to take time and not over push myself...I shall still be bloggin if you dont mind! .... I am prepared for set backs...they are normal! .... in fact when i have a whole week where I am sooo bad all this goes out the window but I can say since my HUGE panic attack on Christmas eve I have been fab! ..hardly any palps...and gettin about..although I have took small steps. I still know how I feel in my head... intead of staying in i am having a yearning to go out...cant wait for summer.... looking forward to trying to go for walks in the woods....etc...so does hubby! ...... so happy birthday to my blog...thankyou blogspot for the oppertunity to express my self to so many and also I have had feedback from people saying my blog has helped them...so there is a reason for it all isnt there x x x x x x x x