Help me guys ...Im fed up

Im at my wits end...bored...tired and fed up with these ectopics... my life is being taken over again by them.... i am so so so so so so so so so so so fed up..... I really need a job, I think getting back into something will help me get my self sorted.... as I see the pattern that when I am well and truly distracted I am ok.... Well today I went to the super market with ma n pa and I was doing so well, no flutters nothing...then all of a sudden I was walking down an aisle when a massive huge rush of adrenaline went through my body and a feelin of faintness came upon me...my heart pounded a little and my head was swimming...I actually said out loud " Oh dear God whats happening" then everything went back to normal and was fine...but when mum caught up with me I was shakin so she saw me in a state, which I didn't want her too.... I said " Mum ..I just rode out an attack"...so deep down I was happy...so in great Mothers style...she said well come on then and stop talking about it.... so that was it! Went home and had a cream bun! My Mother is so matter of fact, and so get on with it...it sooooooooo wish I was like her, instead I am the image of my Father, a nervous wreck! who is also susceptible to flutters , in fact when he had pneumonia last yr his heart went fully out of sync for about 4 wks but it went back be for they were gonna do the electric shock treatment on him, so it prob is hereditary. Libby has nearly finished her exams and she is still being a typical teen wiv the attitude etc, she is stayin out tonight at her mates house! so I am on edge about that too.... wish she was tucked up here in her little bed xxxx well guys gonna go as I need to be tucked up in mine xxxx

Another yr passin with no summer!

Well these pics is an image of my garden as you walk up my path... was so stunning the other day I just had to snap a pic!... even though half the flowers arn't even out yet! we do need some sun though for def! Every yr seems the same lately, rain, cloud and then red hot in sept, then suddenly late oct....winter arrives! I swear it dont help your anxiety levels when its like this....come on summer, please shine on us humans! Well I hope we all have a gud wk ... I am praying for a better wk in myself xxxxx

Did it....no probs! And bought clothes!

Well today Dad picked me up and took me to Morrisons, I had my niece Ruth with me (9yr old Chaperone) as she was off school wiv earache (yeah rite, it was more cos she was doing a play at school an didn't want to do it...bless) anyway....as I was in the car on the way I suddenly found my lips pertrude outwards and my head turned towards my Dad and these words came tumbling out..." Dad, can we go into town first and have a walk around" GULP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!! DID!!!!!!!!! I !!!!!!!!! SAY!!!!!!!!!!!! ...OMG, I can't my heart wont take it...Panic...! But then a peace started up inside of me...I thought Rachel...if you start walking and you panic you turn back and go back to the car...so as I got out the car Dad asked me to go for the ticket...looking at his crippled legs and him with his stick I thought Id better go...got to the machine and the bloody thing was broken...I looked around for another and It was at the other end of the car park.... the old flutters started then, but I thought NO just go...and they stopped! I got back to the car rather flushed..but ok...and then we set off.... As I started I could feel my heart thumping and the ectopic beats came but not for long atall...after the first shop and a little bit of engrosment ( and spending) they went ! I even tried clothes on and bought 3 tops for 13.00 straight away...then walked back to the car pretty fast...went round Morrisons did a massive shop of £120...bagged it, put it in the car! And was fine.... SO I am a happy woman....I can walk about with out dying! and having a heart attack, it is al in the mind and I hate it! SO this is my very long winded story for today! LOL... I bet i do your heads in ! I do me own in xxxxxx The piccy is me today...a happier ME!

One day fine the other day crap

Have you noticed peeps how anxiety takes turns...I seem to have a crappy day then a gud day....Yesterday my heart was doing flips and flops and really was going funny in bed last night,, in fact this morning when I awoke I was actually scared to move because I thought it would go all funny again, but to my suprise I got up, went on my bike down the street with Sharon,went into the chemist (which I hate cos I think the pharmasist is gonna look at me and say I need medical attention-part of medical phobia) But no flutters, no flips and no flops,in fact I took my pulse on the chemist clock (how sad eh) and it was 72 BPM how perfect is that eh! and I have been not too bad all day! So strange, but when I am havin a gud day I think to myself, Rach, your heart is fine, it's almost as if my heart has become over sensatized if that makes sense as last night in bed I was getting all this irregular heart beat and then I did a massive birp, had a rennie and it was better, back to normal.... wind was makin my heart do these things, weird! So I hope I will have a gud day to mo as its the big supermarket shop x
PIC IS ME AND PAUL.....ACE INT IT! MARDY BUGGERS!
By the way today I defrosted my freezer and gave some things to Sharon to put in her freezer for me whilst mine defrosts... Sharon said whats that..a ball wrapped up in silver foil...I said ..Oh dont let that defrost..its me snowball from easter...she just looked at me and said ....SAD! LOL

Happy Birthday Daddy

Had a lovely weekend...did lots of baking and entertaining and on Sat It was my Dad's B day (78yrs) so Ma n Pa came and had a little tea, I made him a cake and did salad and homemade bread and also made a flan with goose eggs from our geese ...it was flippin divine...we all really enjoyed it all. Over the weekend I FELT PRETTY GOOD WITH HARDLY ANY PALPS AT ALL!!!! YIPPIE But the past couple of days they are back with a vegence.... not as bad as I have had them in the past...but they are there. I Feel like I am getting there though...I think I am at the point that one day soon these syptoms will fade like it did before yrs ago...I flippin hope so! Life is so strange...this past 2 weeks I have heard of two people who I know of very well die and it makes you really think what is it all about really.... and why are we here... I know all the religions and faiths have the anwser but I have been there and done all that and still have questions un answered!.....any how I wont get into a religious rant today....Libby has got to go to the hospital as her skin complaint has been diagnosed as psoriosos...so she will need treatment for that and of course horrible mummy (me) can't take her cos I dont do doctors ...so Paul is taking her...bless her little soul. She does her last exam next wk then she officially leaves school...gosh where has my little baby gone xxx

Here are some pics from me dads tea xxx bye for now hunny bunnies xxxx

A little bit of me coming back

Well today I had a moment, a moment of feeling me again...it was only for a short while...does any one know what I mean... I was sat at my Mothers after drying her hair and I thought WOW I aint felt my heart even beating never mind doing any flips or anything... And I felt ace and normal and me.. but this wk I have tried to do the things I used to do ... me and Paul are talking about getting back into growing veggies again next yr, I am starting to collect me jars to make me jams and chutneys again like I used to do ...and I even made some bread tonight by hand which IS STUNNING!!! Me and Paul love being self sufficient and we feel like we have lost something of our selves...I want it back, I want to grasp life with everything I have and enjoy it and try to move on...the biggest hurdle in my life at the moment is walking anywhere without my bike.... I am so scared to walk on own...IS THIS PART OF AGRAPHOBIA? I dont know or am I just nuts or am I dying of heart desease.... the only thing that convinces me I am ok is the fact that when I aint tuned into my own body I am fine..... OH I HOPE I BECOME SANE AGAIN 36 yrs old and wasting all these yrs....I hate it! piccy is me and mummy

Arse over tit.... then an answer to prayer LOL

Well guys last night I had a shock to the sysytem... I was in a customers garden collecting the Avon book and all of a sudden I lost my footing on the edge of her garden and that was it, my body hurled backwards and nearly did 360 somersault but never...thank God the floor was there, I landed "heavily" on a bike that was carelesly thrown in the garden.... The customer was just stood looking at me in shock as I was laid there with me legs pointing upwards to the bloody sky! She shouted " Oh, are you ok..." and the amazing thing is she never found it funny at all... but I was in stitches, laughing me head off! ... I said I can't believe it but yeah im fine! Neil was sat on the wall waiting for me and when he turned around he said..."what you doing on the floor wiv ya legs in the air" I said " oh, I just thought I would have a rest...daft bugga... when he found out he had missed the whole thing, he was gutted as I trhink he would have been there beside me in stitches ! Any way later last night...the pain arrived, my shoulder was awful and I really was scared as I thought I might have to go A&E.... but I thought I will sleep on it and see how I am today (even thought the arm would really have to be bad for me to go to hospital) but to my utter amazement when I awoke this morning I moved my arm and it was great,,, nothing ...no pain at all... like nothing had happened. Later on this afternoon my Mum rang to see how I was and I said...well mum it was amazing... I could'nt move my arm before going to sleep, I was nealry in tears with the agony but when I woke it was all better...she said.... "Well thats really good as before I went to sleep Rachel, I said a prayer that God would heal your arm and you would wake up fresh ad revived" ... Well Guys, what do you make of that... It was either a coincidence.... or natural healing or devine intervention! But it really touched me that my little mummy laid in bed thinking of me and said a little prayer....maybe we should say a few prayers our selves hunny's. I pray now that all these folks who read this blog and follow my story and are sufferes of anxiety that we will find healing and faith to believe that we will get better.. Amen

Teenagers!!!! UGH!

Hi guys, I know I have not entered the world of blogging for a while and hit and miss a little, I am confused,I am feeling a bit better about life and things are okart from Libby being a bit of a worry....she has left school now and awaiting to start college to start her training to become a social worker...but she seems to be having a bit of a moment! She is hanging around with some folk who I would rather she didn't and it is a worry, she came home Fri night, she wasnt drunk but she had been drinking and then she was sick the next morning, but talking to a 16 yr old about responsibilities as useful as a chocolate fireguard!!! Her bedroom is like a bomb site...fur in cups and plates with cures for deseases unknown to man! Her attitiude is hidious at times, but she does have a good head on her shoulders and is a good girl, I am just scared that she will go with the flow with th e wrong crowd and bugga up her life altogether. Paul thinks I worry too miuch because she is my only child...prob right, I adore her and I want the best for her..... SO ..this is actually leading to a point honest ... I am fine in my self but still keep having the palps and panic feelings, and still am scared to walk anywhere, need my bike.... do you think I am just worried about Lib ? Can any one with teenagers who reads this give me some advice...please xx

Hi, no I aint left the planet .... Yet!

Hi Guys,..... Sorry I aint be bloggin, been really busy with the chick chicks, I went to Essex and had a fab journey, had a great time! No anxiety at all, because I had somot to do with my self, occupied! We ended up with 5 ugly buggers (the transylvanian naked necks) 2 Bantam ugly buggers ( soooooooo cute these are the little black ones) and the other 3 are a trio of another breed with beards! favorals! We have named one after Pauls aunty as SHE has a beard! His Aunty Linda! she wasn't that happy about it..... but she's ok now LOL!!! Here is a little vid of me chick chicks! xxxxxx

A Couple of days relief

Hi Guys .. had a couple of niceish days (not as many palps) at the weekend I did a bit of chilling on the Allotments, Paul actually spent time with me as latley I feel like all I am saying is "Yeah, bye...see you in a bit" whilst im left at home stuck with in a house scared piggin stiff to go out on me own.... so after a cry on Saturday and telling him I actually want to die as I am soo fed up and bored he decided to take the dogs out and go on the allotments... we lit the fire basket and boiled the kettle and had decaf coffee,,sarni's, cake and crisps and pork pie and tomatoes and and and .... x It was great, we went home when it just started to get dark and spooky! I need more days like this..chillin and relaxing and takin my mind off my anxiety. We are off to Essex on Thurs for the 5 Ugly buggers that have been hatched for us...so this will be a big big test for me, it is a long way from home...3 hrs away! So watch this space!

What a load of political Bull !!! Eurovision

Well another yr that I get excited , Paul has a stroke and everyone laughs at me cos the score sheets are printed out and me cheese board is exsquisite and me freinds (fellow eurovision lovers) come over and wait in anticipation to see the glittered loonatics leaping around and screaching in the name of thier country! But I love it! Paul was actually good last night as he did join in with the scoring for a while, when I looked he had marked them all "Shit Shit Shit" .....But every yr I get more and more dissapointed at the way the UK are treat by other countries! I was very dissapointed at getting 6 points for the whole night and Andy Abraham was fab, one of the best! but oh no, its so bloody political, it prob due to us sill being in Iraq...... but what I dont understand is half the countries have half of thier relations in the UK being looked after by our government.... or taking our jobs..we have an industrial estate in Worksop, Its like a mini Poland (and they gave us NIL POI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ) I am not racist AT ALL , I love different walks of life and customs but its geetin silly now!

As for me nerves ...I have been quite bad again with the flutters but the night times have been fab..sleep right though ! So guys have a good bank Hols and speak Tues x

MY GARDEN

NO WORDS JUST PICS TODAY!

I NEED A PROJECT

Wise words from my lovely old mother the other day " Rachel ..you need a project" .. And how right is she... I need somot to take me mind of my own bodily functions ( heart etc) I have been really bad with them today until Neil came and took me out for a ride in the car to see my new baby niece...then they stopped.! How weird is that! Its because my mind was taken off me sen ! Well we go to Essex a week on Thursday so I hope I am gonna be ok... I am a little anxious..I shall sit in the back so I can spread out and chill ... x So guys what project can I have.... I usually start on me craft stuff, as I make cards, salt dough, cross stitch, knitting and wooden plaques but aint done ought for ages x IDEAS ...need to make money too!

Worse day....very sad

I have had a very stressful day regarding Libby..it was her GCSE Maths exam today and stupid school rang me to say Lib wasn't there in her exam,, i was in a rite state..then they rang to say ...oh she was... she was sat in the wrong seat....gormless that school ...I am glad she has left but it has caused me loads of stress... and also today I had to see her college tutors about her getting in for SEPT.... it has made me poorly all day...palps none stop after being upset...and before that I was helping pauls aunty cleaning and was really busy cleaning her whole house top to bottom with no palps at all....just proves its anxiety!!!!! fed up today....will i eva get bloody better....roll on sat, i have a euro-vision party (sad) just made me score sheets wiv me little flags on (sadder) xx nan nites xx

YIPPIE....IM SMALLER!

Hi peeps, I have been feeler a little bit better... not got the constant flutters ...just the odd ones..Thank God for that ...it is horrid when u get them all the time like that.... Any way the excitement of the title is the fact I have now lost 10 pounds....No not in money but in weight so it is coming off slowly but surely.... So I am well please ! Last night I went out to a sports centre with some Churchy freinds who I have known for yrs and Lib came with me too.... she really wanted me to go as they had a fake ice rink.... Its the strangest bloody stuff I have ever been on.... like going on a load of chopping boards with Ice skates...really weird! But the fact is ....I DID IT! And spent some quality time with Libby! I was fluttering like a bugga most of the time but I was anxious and nervous just being there...But I did it! ..... the piccy is me n Lib, and lib on ice wiv me sisiters boyfreind, and me n neil! x SO I am hoping this wk will be a gud un!