Happy New Year to you all

What an oppertunity to say " Happy New Year " to so many..... glasses raised to a healthy...healing new year!........ i love you all and am looking orward to some major changes in my lie this year...at the end o the day it is down to me aint it!

Love Rach

Birthday blog is on 8th Jan 9 ( 1 yr of bloogin)....

My new face book friends

Ahhhh Im so happy... I have had 3 new facebook freinds from my blog and also from NMP website ... it is really great to be able to chat online to folk who really really know what you are going through! I have found so many new Friends since having anxiety disorder...its he best thing that has come out of it all.... there is a reason for everything we go through....so to all you peeps who have been so good to me...Thank you...Thank you so much for your support and efforts to keep me sane..... we need to keep in touch with each other especially when companies are going bankrupt...I even thought about the blogging world...what if blog spot go under!!! how would i contact folk....so get on to face book and add me as a friend (Rachel Hughes was parsons) or add me to your msn.... honeysuckleshop@msn.com......... make sure we stay together cos i wouldn't cope with out you all x x x x x x

My nutty Christmas 2008

Hi Folks...Firstly " Mery Christmas to you all" and I hope you had a fantastic day..... I have had a mixed emotions time over this Christmas... too be honest I have been stressed to bugga.... taken too much on.... done too much fartin about and got me self ito that much of a state have had 3 MAJOR panic attack..... one to the point of near collapse on Christmas eve... 1 hr.... heart got stuck in an ectopic rythm one after the other,,,sheer adrenaline.... fear breedin fear and all that..despite all this negative crap...ive ploughed on.... The fri I did do the "Mother CHristmas thing and I did sing my merry heart out on the back of the float...all around the streets of my village...I had Andrea following in the car as a back up..just in case it became a little too much for me and I panicked but i was fine...with 100 people following .... scarey but lovely...x The other thing I conquered wich I still am stunned I did was the super market... went shoppin to Morrisons and I really dont know to this day how I did it!!! It was heaving!...... Libby came to help but she was a bit of a pain in the arse as she really doesnt understand my panic attacks... so i think the Panic attacks have been just delayed stress reaction as today i have been out and have been very chilled...hoping I sleep and dont wake with an attack like I have been . ANy way here are some pics from me being Ma Christmas...I had to strighten my hair to get the bloody hat on! x x x x x well roll onto the new yr... speak soon my little Christmas Puddings x x x x

Tis the season and all that!!!

Well guys how are you all feeling...I really dont know but I do Thank the good Lord above for internet shoppin! every and I mean Every present has been bought from the internet! Its great! I have not had to do busy bustling queues or crammed shops like Primark... being the 30th in the queue with a 99p bargain cos I just cant resist.... so thank you Ebay...thank you Lakeland and Thank you Amazon ..... youve really helped an agoraphobics christmas.... LOL .... as for feelin well.. Im having a good patch...just been through a bad one now its a good one.... But im nervous for Fri ...its the biggie....me on the back of a lorry dressed as Mother Christmas ( as we have a santa now) ..... with a microphone singing down every street in the village.... I cant believe Im doing this.... I cant walk to the corner shop some days but Im gonna do this.... mind you I have me saftey nets ready...EVERYONE on the lorry knows I suffer with P.A's and I have our Andrea drivin at the back of the lorry to make me know if I want off I can! So knowing that.. I will prob be ok! ....... so photos will be on ere.... wait till you see what I am wearing! OMG ...like somot from Ann Summers! LOL...well not quite but not far off... a small! ( as in length of course) being a size 18-20.... mini red dress! with netting under the skirt and a cape and hat and black boots! I was tempted to go with the fishnets but thought better of it seeing as I am waving to children! ....LOL.... so Im officially ready for crimbo...me 9ft tree came this morning! (only 20.00) Got pine needle rash! ...me and Paul nearly divorced this morning.......and after noon as it took that long to do ...we always fall out cos Pauls like a Grinch/humbug this time of yr...I keep theatening 3 spirits will be visiting but he is still a bAHHH humbug! ..Men are terrible for it I think....we do the bloody lot dont we girls and they sit moaning! My Dad was the same.... Is the same LOL..... One yr I was only 17 and Dad kept saying...dont get me ought.... dont want ought..so I got a massive box and wrapped it up with a toothbrush inside .. a travel one at that.... and he actually shed a tear ...so he never says it now! LOL..cured that one ! I am a bitch! but it was funny at the time.... so bysey bye for now peeps..... enjoy your festivities.... Ive made 120 mince pies in 6 days cos of all me visitors............................ PS .... is anyone on face book....I am Rachel Hughes was Parsons if you wanna add me........ bye 4 now .... xxxx God what a waffle!

Set back but still plodding

Stress levels been up to an amazing hieght..... palps been terrible....the only thing that keeps me sane is the fact I have had a bit of a break from them,,,, been very stressed over finances... I went to school the other day and struggled big time with constant palpataions but managed to do them this christmas display.... no one knew how much I just wanted to go home. ... Yesterday I have a MASSIVE neighbourhood watch meeting where I had to sit infront of 100 villigers and talk along side the police, inspector and sergeant... I phoned up my freind half an hr before and said I couldnt do it as I was in the bath panicking ... but i got out... got ready and was stood at the side of the road for her to pick me up! she was pleased, i was shittin it...but i was OK! Very nervous, heart was pounding but I never ran out....... but the other day I was delivering leaflets with my freind and all of a sudden Panic came.... heart went all out of sync... i stopped a car ( thank fully I knew him) and he took me home...... it was a street I dont normally go down, so of course I felt very defeated! ............. but Ill keep plodding! what else can I do xxxx stay tuned hunnies xx

feeling better

Hi peeps, I have not been here for a while cos I have been soooooo busy gallavanting! I have been going out and about

pics are me @ andreas

peeps...at the weekend I went to Andreas on the farm with Libby ..it was great andguess what ...never panicked, slept like a baby and felt great! I feel like I am improvin at the moment (dont know how long it will last) but i am def doing things that I wasnt doing this tome last yr! I have started back at the supermarkets agin rahter than shopping online with Asda! I am having less palpitations and less panic attacks and I have started to walk with my bike in my hand for a little bit..... Even my panic attacks have been shorter! I just hope and pray to God this continous.... I know I may have a set back but ive got to be prepared for it! ..... at least i have had a break...and it has made me convince myself my symtoms are anxiety and not an illness.... Please pray for me peeps ..I need tto stay focused and carry on...I have been doin allsorts in the community and loving it! ... i have a purpose in life again ...a reason for carrying on.... xxx take care guys!
This pic is of the christmas boxes.... me and mum do the "samaritans Christmas child" every year, its a great cause...just fill a shoe box with essentials and gifts for a war torn child. for some reason its come out sideways!

Naked neck dispute!

Right guys i need your help.. you know we bred

the naked necks this yr ...well now they are fully grown and have these great big naked necks..... I think in the winter during frost and snow these poor little naked neckies will get cold... I am in a dispute with Paul.. I am wanting to knit some neck tubes to keep them warm! I have asked his mother and she is all for it! What do you think... should I??.... I am not one for dressing dogs up or anything like that, its not for cosmetic purposes its practical!!! they need to be warm! but he thinks im nuts!!!!!!!!

I feel like a pupa!

Yes I do, I feel like a Pupa on the underside of a dark tree with the prospects of knowing one fine day a stunning colourful me with emerge... but at the moment I do , I feel like a pupa, locked inside this dark and warm area of my life but I am lookin positive,.... I know it seems a contradictive statement but I do .... the symptoms of the stress are still hovering , some days really bad...but Im still getting out there...today i did a craft stall at the village hall....my father inlaw picked me up and dropped me off and I sat there on my little (big) self and sold £45.00 of my creative little projects to members of the public! Libby came after 2 and a half hrs....I was fine.... i then got a lift home.... the thing that is getting to me the most at the moment is this fear of walking anywhere..... is this a symptom of agraphobia or is it a fear of walking..... i fear to walk because the min' I do the old heart starts to flip and flop... but when i have to walk I get my self so worked up that its gonna do it that it does it anyway!!!! do you understand...what are your feelings on this....do you think im dying or do you think its fear causing these palps when walking about!....anyway here is some photos of my stall.... lets hope the butterfly emerges soon guys............... for us all..................

more courage please

I rang my mummy the other day in tears....I said mum, I am doing so well but my symptoms are worse...why ..does it mean that I really do have a bad heart....my mum said No Rachel... its because you are going beyond your limits and using your courage and pushing yourself so your body is in constant alert! ....makes sense I suppose!.............................need my symptoms to subside...went to Tesco today and was awful but i carried on ,, Neil said it was prob cos it was extra busy................ I need more courage guys... My next thing is tomo where we are going door to door knocking for neighbourhod watch members....................Oh yes by the way....at christmas we have a Father christmas that goes around the village in a lit up trailor its great well this yr.... we have no one to be father christmas, we have all the outfit , beard, hair etc but no one seems interestedso guess who have offered to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES ME!!!! LOL.... agraphobic SANTA !!! lollollollol..BET YOU ARE LAUGHING ARNT YOU ...i will get some photos on when i do it...all the village comes out to see ...i just have to sit and wave and ay ho ho ho ...... actaully heres one better,,, an agraphobic transexual santa LOL...will def need courage then!

Symptoms worse but tuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for your lovely comments, I have done so much but the old anxiety is getting me real good but I dont care ( in a sense) they are gonna be because I am taking my self OUT of my normal comfort zone of sitting on the livng room floor doing my crafts and walking to the kitchen!!!!!!!!!!!! Well over the last couple of wekks I have started up a little group with our neighbours as we actually had a stabbing on the corner of our st and it is always the same two families in the village that are constantly causing criminal damage and also violence...It is the main reason for my illness as I talk about in one of my firstposts as I had terrible trouble from one of these families. Any how I gathered some people and organised a meeting in the community centre and got some of the counsellers involved... well last night was the meeting and I heard the chief inspector from police was coming and asbo officer etc... so I was soaking in the bath last night and the old heart was doing a dance an I thought I cant do this...I cant go...so after a few drops of rescue rememdy and a smack i me face I went..... when I got there ..there was about 40 people from allover the village... I was shitting my self... and they put me on the top table with the police etc...... i thought OH MY GOD>>>>IM AGRAPHOBIC I DONT DO THIS>>>> well guys once it started.... i was taking the room by storm I was talking with no fear to this room of people...people were listening to ME as I was stirring them up to form a neighbourhood watch ...it was fab and not ONE PALP!!!!!!!!!!! today I am off up to the school to dress the hall up for the school halloween disco...... like I said the symptoms are bad at the moment but I am sure it is because I am pushing my self to the limit...but I have to do it...other wise im gonna rot and go stale! ill keep u informed ...... xxxxx LOL pic is me thrilled!!!!!

big changes

Hi guys, I have had an amazing time lately, mixed feelings and a slight positivness that has come out of the blue. Basicaly me and Paul have been going through a rough patch as Paul also suffers from anxiety and also severe depression...it was revealed to me that my illness is affecting him and he is finding it hard to cope..blah blah blah!! like his dont me !!!!! Any way... the last few weeks I have took myself and shook my self and these are the things I have said...

Rachel wherever you are and whatever you do in this short life we have here on earth these symptoms will happen ...BUT...if you try to get on with things and take the symtoms with you and do something active then hopefuly they will dissapear..or I can keep in the house wondering how long Paul is gonna be and quivering because I am on me own and do nothing with my life at all!!!! So.... I decided to do some thing active but do it in my own village, so I have becaome a Parish counseller, a member of the tennants and resisdents association.... im starting a neighbour hood watch, ....getting involved in the community center, im doing christmas dinners for the old bids, activities up at school , i will have my own stall at the christmas fairs ( all 3 of them ) .... and I started a craft course last wed, will be doing that every wed in the wk...... Im still getting the palps but feeling more positive,,, lib was 17 the other day (13th) and me little baby wanted us to go out for a meal, so I did and I loved it...the day after I went and walked about 1/4 of a mile to my freinds house...with out the bike.... I went to town and did some clothes shopping, I have done all this in one wk.... I have pushed myself... and coped...so please say A prayer for me this week that some of these horrid symptoms start to dissapear whilst I get my head busy again!!! the photos are from libs dinner x x x x

Havin a few bad days...............

Well guys... hello again, I am havin a real strugglin time with these old flutters/palpitations.... I am finding alot of them are coming on with stomach gas and wind... at night time the min' I hit the pillow they start!!!! but after a couple of hrs of releasing gas from my chest cavity it settles and they go ...so weird! I have been told that it is when your heart is stimulated by the vagus nerve which runs from your stomach up through your heart, makes sense ...but I just wish my over sensitized heart would start to settle down and my head would stop focusing on them as half the time this is what it is... i think! I hope! .stay with me guys ...i dont seem to get any comments any more on my blog...please let me lnow you are reading this blog xxxx pic is my rueben!

The missing wench! Cant smile at the mo !!!!!!

Im still here people... i have not been bloggin cos I will be honest guys I have not felt like it one bit..I feel I have nothing to say due to my borin tedious life of just trying to hold myself together..... I have found myself in the morning being addicted to Sky movies...then the afternoon is here...then its tea time...then its bed time.... I think I am just havin a bad time as sadley watching my life go by!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

am I getting better?

I really dont know if I am on my way to recovery or what... lately I seem to be having crap days then good days but having longer gaps of good..but the bad are terrible...I still have not conquered the fear of walking about but just feel altogether more positive! I can see light at the end of the tunnel these past few days which is a good sign i think! but then I can come crashing down after a great bought of palpitations or a panic attack in the night etc .... touch wood I have been sleeping better the past 4 nights or so ..thanks to Nytol....

I got offered a job the other day... working for southern electric...£250 a week plus £60 min bonuses a wk..... but its all walking about and you have to go away for a week...so that was a massive NO! I wish I could get a job on the net working from home but everything I look at is a big con! Where are these jobs ..that pay you without you having to invest or download for $100.... If any one knows of any job I can do on the net let me know...truffles are slow...who wants truffles in a credit crunch! signing off...skint and bored!

I love this time of year

This time of year makes me happy... I love the ripe apples on the trees, the leaves beginging to display thier wonderful artistic array of colours.. the talk of Christmas and the thought of bonfire night with the toffee and scarfes and warmth... this has always been my favorite time of year... when I went into the shop down the road the other day all the all the christmas things were on display and I thought whoooppiieee then I thouht OH! I cant afford ought... LOL.. I think alot of us will be in the same boat this year.. Irealy aint bothered... I can make christms nice with handmade presents and mince pies etc LOL...I bet you could all poke me in the eyes talking of christmas so soon...but its only a few weeks away aint it! so come on guys get in to the spirit... Anxiety level has been a mad mixture this week...at the beginging it was terrible but the last couple of days felt fab...strange aint it.. had two good night sleep but before that I have been up every night with anxiety attacks... started back o the magnesium tablets, lime flower, omega 3 and herbal nytol at night... it does help... Well guys here is a piccy of my ugly naked necks...can you remember Oliver the little baby...well this is a piccy of him now ........ what do you think?

Eastenders and Coro Aint got a patch on my lot!!!

Well the family feuding is still on the battle ground...Mother falling out with Daughter ..Sister with Daughter...Sister with sister...Daughter with Mother... I have ever known my family to be under this great canopy of bitterness and distress... I have not reveled in this at all..in fact this past few days it has caught up on me big time.... My sister now wears the ring of her intended and seams happy in her shining new piece of expensive gem on her finger flashing about whilst her situation continues to cause discord amongst the people who love her the most...but what can you do ...she will have to make her bed and lie in it...and make the bugga after she's got out...I have never in my life experienced such a personality change from one person as her.... totally different~ self absorbed, selfish individual! and does it all in the name of God!! Wars have started over less! But I can't do any more ... I wish her all the happiness in the world and hope she doesn't suffer for the way she has treat folk but deep down I keep thinking "Equilibrium" ... balance...what goes round comes round ( I believe in this greatly) I will be there to pick up the pieces but maybe it's something she needs to go through.... I know you are wondering what the hell I am talking about! Sorry I just need to get it out.... x

Here are some pics of my bathroom at last..Paul has finished it..apart from my mirror to go up.... need some work doing on it as its big and old ( like me ) xx

Had time to think

Hi peeps I aint been blogging as I needed some time to sort my head out.... I have been having some major problems with my close family, including my Mother and sister which as so upset me but I have made some decisions and ones that affect all my family but I need to do them. With out sounding big headed ( I assure I aint ) I have been for yrs the person in the family that everyone can reley on...always there at the end of the phone....drop everything for everyone and let my imediate family be affected ( Lib and Paul) well after the experiences I have had with my family this past month I have decided enough is enough...on Fri I absolutly blew my top with my sister over her selfishness and greed but I did it in the wrong way by screaching to the top of my voice over the phone ...unfortunatly it happened to be to my mums house as my sister was there so my Mum heard my terrible Blue language .. but I dont regret anything I said.... I meant ever single word of it..... any way the sad thing is my sister has treated me like crap for long enough and my Mum and dad have not supported me in whats right and moral at all.... I am desperatly always trying to seek my parents aproval by treating them with respect and honouring them ... but I just feel to put it blunt I have been taken the piss of!!!! No more...I love my paernts I realy do ...but i need to protect my self...I have felt sooooooooooo much better since I flipped me lid/vented me spleen/blew me top LOL!!!! SO hopefully it might help my road to recovery as some of the things I said have been waiting to spill from my mouth for 2 years! So will try to carry on me blog...I dont blog as much lately I know... but im still here! so here's the bitch signing off LOL!!!! The new Rachel who dont take no crap!!! I hope!

Yippie .. a few good days!..panic free

Oh it has been nice these past 2-3 days have been pretty good with Paul leaving me on my own all day on Thursday and rather than being on tender hooks like normal and planning which freinds are in...and who to run too today.... I was fine... In fact he left me whilst I was in the bath..I dont know if any other panic attack sufferers are like this...if so leave a comment...cos its strange... I just feelmore vunerable and scared...prob something to do with being naked and the fact that I would have to get dressed before I run out into the street ( or would I...LOL...Ive been arrested for worse LOL) But anyway I did it...most of the day...I cleaned and ate lunch which is something else I dont like to do if im on my own.... eating is a no no when on me own as I get alot of my palpatations after eating...palps~panic~panic~palps...vicious circle!!!! I even have to plan my meals around going out...for instance If in a morning I need to go down to the shops i wont eat till I get back...as they start straight after about half an hr after ive eaten...I have read alot up on the subjuect and appaerntly is has something to do with the vegas nerve being stimulated nr the gut to the heart and when ur nervos system is to pot then this sends the wrong signals to the heart which makes it irregular and palp away!!! OMG... something strange has just happened to me guys...and i am gonna write it even if you think im nuts...as I was typing ..Im here in my bedroom as Paul sleeps in the other room ( due to my night terrors) and I had a sense that my late sister just came into my room...I could smell her too!!!! Goose bumps going on ere!!!!!!! OHHHHH !!!! how spookie! ,,, Im not scared ..I have had this feeling about 4 times before.... It makes me want to cry as I miss her so much...she has been gone 4 yrs.... any way back to typing my stuff!!! LOL...you must all think im mad ( I am LOL) well Im doing a bit of ramblin tonight but hey! what this corner of my universre for !!! hoping for a chilling weekend! Big brother nearly over so now its x factor that im enjoying!!! so speak soon peeps and thanks for stopping by! xxxxx PS..... someone found this piccy of me the other day...I was 18 yrs old...note the hat!!!! What a laugh eh!

Life's changes

Well one minuete you have a bouncing baby on your knee and the next she is all grown up and left school and making decisions for her self..... Libby I am talking about of course..my little (grown up) hormonal teenager...she has left school and is a waiting to start college but she is so scared bless her soul...she went to college last Thurs for her induction day and she had been waiting for a freind who never turned up so she walked out in a bit of a panic( not as in a panic attack) just got the jitters.... so we are hoping they let her back in ..got to ring college tomo and sort it out! Well all these goings on has realy been stressing me out..also because me and Paul are on benifits and Libby has left school some financial changes could be taking place and I mean big ones, ...last night I saw the clock round till 5 oclock (felt like proper insomniac) it was horrid with my mind racing around worrying about money etc...paul doesn't work due to health reasons and I can't bloody get anywhere to go to work...but I wish something would come up in my village as I think I am ready to cope and just take the bull by the horns and go out to work as long as it was nr home where Paul could meet me after...so I am gonna look this week for something!!! Phew big step eh! truffles are steady but arnt paying the way as I sill havn't actually made a profit after all my out lay! ...............anyway...any thoughts on how to make some money please let me know....i have even been looking for some of those crappy jobs online but its all scams! earn 500.00 a day! Yeah right! we would all be doing it ! ......well hope u all had a gud Hols.... see ya in the wk xxxxx

GCSE RESULTS! bless her little exam papers!!!!!

Well guys today was the day...lib went and got her exam results from school....and wait for it..........OH THE REGRETS....."OH MUM, I WISH I HAD DONE BETTER" ...the words echo from my own lips when i recieved my dead end , no hope exam results! But the amazing thing is Libby really didn't do too bad, she did better than her freinds, I cannot tell u what results she got out of resect for her...but I am very pleased...she starts college tomo so really who cares, i think life begins academicaly when you leave school! Mine did, with top marks too. I have had a strange old week, for starters it has gone soooooooooo fsat but the old anxiety levels have peaked a little this week ...also thee past 3 days I have had the most awful heart irregularities, some were even painful, like my chest cavity and throat etc was all tense with every ectopic heart beat.... i have had this before so I know I aint gonna snuff it!!!! ....(famous last words!LOL) SO the weekend, Bank Holiday....I wonder what it will bring...the best thing for me is that we get paid early !!! Mind you then I will cry cos Ill be skint on Monday.... so peeps...I am ok but been better and Paul has been busy ...still with the bloody bathroom...will def photo grapg the bathroom for you when its done ( might bloody frame it too) ......This week I had my first order for a wedding for my truffles so i was well pleased with that! so to u all have a gud holiday this wk end...dont do anything I would do!!! LOL xxxxxxxxxxx pic is of naughty Libby in B&Q!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! say no more

Hoping for a better week without illnes!!! Atishooooooooo

Oh me luvs, what a horrid few weeks...I have been unwell for a few weeks with a cold and re occuring very swollen glands in my neck ( gone now) It is not often guys that I am poorly or ill apart from the obvious (hence blog !) but as for colds and flues etc I seem to dodge...prob because I aint at the doc for every sniffle like some folk I know.... dont know when I last had antibiotics, well the last time I was prescribed some was when I was having trouble with some tooth but I never took them..... but I am feeling 100% better...I do think I may have had a mild case of glandular fever as when I was 15 I had a really bad case of them ( along with chicken pox at the same time ) and i was off school about 10 weeks and I always remember the doc saying to my Mum, she will at one point in her life have this back in a mild form probably...so this might have been it. But now Paul is badly and even Rueben has been of it ..... Lib is fine Thank God! Well thhis week Lib gets her exam results, I think I am more anxious about it than her although I have told her I will support her no matter what the results, she has got into college so I am pleased as how many of us ever learnt ought at school....I think life begins when you leave! The next few yrs will be the best ones of her life ! Freedom, parties, student vouchers! LOL..Oh I remember them days! But we wont go there! Not on the WWW!!! LOL.... SO Anxiety levels this wk have been crap ! FLutters galore and really I aint been out much at all.... not any where special...the other day I was sat at my computer thinking about nothing really and Paul was out when all of a sudden ...a surge/wave of adrenaline came up through my body ( you know the one) and the old ticker was going ten to the dozen...well I only had a t shirt on and me knickers(thong...... oh the image for you all LOL) and I thought ahhhh....I need fresh air and water...well it had been raining outside so I went and sat on the wet grass under me fav tree and calmed down........ wiv me phone and started taking photos of me flowers to take me mind of things.... so Im there under a bush takin photos of me sen and me tree n flowers in a thong...when I looked up me neighbours daughter was looking at me... ( we dont talk)... I thought BUGA! she must think im a right silly cow. she sharply shut the curtains so I carried on...when Paul came back I erd im shout Rach...where r u... I think He thought " what the hell have i married" when he saw me in me state,, but it's tuff, I would stand on me ed in the middle of the front garden if I made me better!!!!! , any how peeps, thanks for popping by, nearly wrote pooping by then and had to delete LOL!........ speak soon xxx

Ive won An Award?????...I thank you coffeecup

Well I aint blogged for a while due to being soooooo busy in the house , decorating the bathroom and other stuff and guess what guys...im feeling 35% better and I shall tell you why...I been on a website .... http://palps.chemicalforums.com/cgi-bin/YaBB.pl?num=1218104995 and I have been in contact with a heart doctor!!!!!!!!yes ...me ...a doctor111 He is fab I have heard of him from No More Panic and they assure me he is a real doctor (retired) so I told him every symptom that I get and he explained to me what is happening and that it is all stress ad my body is in High alert mode...since then i have still had them but not half as bad at all...... so i am feeling great ..also on the website folks are the same as me if not worse ....

SO ANYWAY THIS IS WHAT i READ ABOUT ME FROM THE FANTASTIC WEBSITE OF COFFEECUPS (I dont know how to link websites with the title like you do...you will have to tell me) http://theagoraphobicjourneywoman.blogspot.com/

Any way this is what she wrote bless her little cotton socks .....

Rachel (The Bizarre Diary of Rachel Hughes) Effervescing with bubbliness and warmth. A genuinely lovely lady with an eternally optimistic personality even when the chips are down, you'll laugh and cry along with Rachel's diary, all beautifully written in a gorgeous Nottinghamshire dialect

Now int that nice!!! really touched me hun...thank you. I am fine... chocolates are still selling ...just had me first wedding x x x so to all fellow bloggers ... keep reading as I am still here and will never stp blogging... its too good for your mental health LOL!! xxxx

You would be so proud of me!

Well guys what a FANTASTIC day I have had.... I decided this morning to ask my mate Neil if he wanted to go to the carbooty.... when he said yes I thought " Oh Lord, what have I said" , I asked him if we went to park as nr as he could get as I was nervous walking up the massive hill there is...he mumbled and said he would try... dont have much sympathy does my mate... but to cut a long story short he did which was fab...any way the best bit is that Paul came with me too.... So I set off out of the car with the little heart pattering away and a few flips as I thought can I really do this so I thought right if you panic you can sit down on the grass and chill, so we strated around the stalls and after about 10mins I was absolutly fabulous! I was loving it... me and Paul were like 2 antique hunters and we aquired the greatest of bargains after a bit of bartering etc.... at one point them two went back to the car and left me on my own for about 10 mins... I was nervous but not panicky...when we walked back to the car we had to go up a bit of a hill so I felt that great i marched up it and had Not one flutter or anything! .... Please God let this be the beginging of getting better!!! I feel fantastic , I just hope it carries on...... This is me smiling in my garden today cos I am sooooooo happy! And to add Libby has been a lot better, fab infact and I do believe this has helped me as I am feeling so less stressed xxx Thanks Libby...I love you xxx

The most amazing Day

Well guys I have had one of the best days in months... Libby asked me to go to her grandma's with her and have lunch... we had a lovely dinner and sat together..libby ignored her phone and laid in my arms for a cuddle, then we played silly games and had a laugh. Then we went home where she said she was going out to see her mates but she stayed in with me and we watched MTV cribs for ages, I was popping over to me mothers to see andrea as it ws her birthday and lib said "Oh I will come too" We ended up in my mums back garden under the light...enjoying the evening untill we saw some massive frogs.... libby started chasing them around... and caught one...so I said..If you kiss it I will give you a fiver....so she bloody did!!!!!! So Im £5 down LOL!!!! Keep calling her wart lips and to hop it !!! LOL....so we had an ace day! No flutters even after going upstairs!! But can I add, when I was at Pauls mums having dinner ll of a sudden in my right eye I had the strangest thing start to happen..it was like a shimmering that got bigger and bigger and had colours in it..then after about 10 mins it went....they were all laughing at me cos I thought I was having a stroke...they said it was a silent /painless migraine and prop' due to my head cold! Scarey though.......but apaprt from that...fab time today...Libby been a dream! Hope it keeps up I really do.... its helping my anxiety loads x piccy is a portrait done of libby by my sister when lib was about 2 yrs old ace int it!!!! them were the days xx

So run down and full of cold!

Well peeps, I have just finished it off! The week has been crap and now have a big red nose! (shame it int christmas, rudolf could have had a night off) and me glands are really up!...Paul is sick of me blowing me hooter but its tuff!!! I have to listen to his banjo playing! I feel ok but look like crap and have a really bad cold! My mum said its good that me glands are up cos it means im fighting it! She will say ought so I dont panic...cos I mentioned Lymph cancer! but im sure she is right LOL!!! In fact Paul keeps sneezing now..but of course he wont have a cold he will have Man flue or other wise known as bubonic typhoid virus colditess!!! Well today i have had a good day with the old anxiety ..hardly any flip flops in the old heart area! Prob cos im more worried about me MUMPS! (cos ive been through that one too LOL) ,, Me and Libby are better...she has been to her nan's for a few days...said she was leaving home last wk but now she misses me and wants to come home! (knew she would cos she loves her mummy) I was glad as I hate her not being here..I missed her so much too! SO things are looking up ...im feelin better in myself... just this stinking cold! .....the picture isnt me by the way...its just what I look like LOL

floods~not of the rain type......My tears

I have had the most emotional week of my life...everything has come to a head... I have never felt so near to ending it all on Thusrday... I had fall outs with Libby and Paul...Paul had told his Mum a week ago that we were splitting up (news to me) but on thurs when I came home from my mothers he was in floods of tears and told me how he had been feelin..... This are alot better now...i think we all needed to get stuff off our chests...And we definatly did for sure... Me and aul are gonna make some changes to our relationship and Libby is going to her nans for a wk or 2 to try and sort her head out ( thank God) . I obviously feel that its my panic attacks that are doing this to the family but I have stressed to them all that I need help...not just to be left on my own all the time ... Libby still being a pain but I really think she will be better when she starts college and gets a place in life at the moment she is more or less in limbo! We all went through it as a teen, wouldn't be normal if you didn't x SO I am hopeing for a better week. we are gonna be starting on the bathroom, we have started the back garden together yesterday.... Oh yes...yesterday, i did loads in the garden with Paul, I was working really hard in the garden, pulling big nettles and I was red hot, my heart was pupming normal and guess what I had no flutters at all not untill later on when i was relaxed....weird int it! But i was well impressed I had none when i exerted my self x so guys, hope you are all well and watch this space cos im wanting calmness in my life from now on... and positivness x x x heres hopeing!

Gotta keep going!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well guys I have been marvalous if I say so myself... Wed night I had me ftruffle party and stood up in front of 12 ladies and did a demonstration and taster session of my truffles... I was nervous before I got there but the min I got into it I was fine.... But today has been the biggi..... I went to the local market in the next town on in Dinnington ( never been to this market) and was nervous but then after I started off around the market on me own having a great time...not one flutter not one panic...in fact I waltzed back to the car like a looney with heavy bags...when i sat in the car I thought ..ohhhhh no tight chest...no flut fluts! well pleased .... then it was on to tesco...absolutly fine all the way around until the last last isle then all of a sudden a flutter...then another...then another...then panic set in...heart went wonky and I thought right you can bloody go wonky...I put all the food on the belt...packed me bags...i told me freind who was with me (who was not sympathetic at all...in fact he rolled his eyes...which well upset me) and he actually helped me pack but then just walked off and left me to follow ...then I calmed down and everything went back to normal rythm....thank God...but I never rang out..I just let it happen ..I thought it wont kill me...It cant ..... xxxx so how clever am I ...I had another little doo later in the day...so I laid on the floor and spoke to my mum (never told her I was panicin)

Pic is me at me truffle party!

Crap Crap Crap!

Well I think the title my express how Im feeling! Um I think its a little crap! ... I am bloody sick to death of feeling like this...I want me old self back again...its driving me nuts... I woke up in the night shaking from head to foot... heart pounding then all wonky ..went on for 10 mins but felt like an hr...this horrid trapped life I have at the moment is no joy! I mean for goodness sake im in me 30's ...I should be enjoying life and getting out and about...I wish I could drive..at least I might get out of the village more...As i dont do buses if I can help it.... no control over turning back if i feel dodgy! WHEN OH GOD AM I GONNA BE RACH AGAIN! ?????????? I know people have worse stuff happening in their lives like cancer etc but this is my life...and it is being ruined by this monster "FEAR"............. well today I did a very brave thing...nothing to some folk but somot to me..I went to my Friends to help her clean ready for the decorators coming tomo and she said she had to pop down the street first to the doctors...so I said well I need to go to the Post Office...so I said I would wait in the car in the car park at the doctors! WOW HOW BRAVE AM I!!!! I actually sat in the car for half and hr and waited for her...I nearly lost it 3 times but managed to keep my cool by playing with my phone and texting people I really dont like (LOL) and having in my mind that if the heart started I would run to the road and stop a car to take me home as I know nearly everyone in the village...these survival tactics actually saved me... I know it sounds daft all this but I have a phobia of doctors etc... cant help it..its not a fear or a silly dislike it has gone beyond it to a PHOBIA! even passing my local doctors sends my heart flippin....How the hell do I get rid of it! By going to the doctors??????? Any mental health people out there that can give me some advice please do... Im going now to hopefully go nan nights...sorry that my posts have been solom and borin lately but I suppose it represents my disposition . Nighty nights peeps....PS ..truffle party 2 mo night so hopefuly will sell some...doing really well with them. ANY ONE Want ANY!?????? piccy is me garden last week! will post new one for this wk....colour galore

Im back peeps

Well what a rough ride it has been..... I have had a gud time with tessa and she is really really easy to look after but my gudness, the anxiety of looking after a child with special needs is hard going due to responsibility, especially when that child is someone elses, but I have enjoyed hercompany, Tessa does not speak so we have to communicate through Makaton sign lanquage, she actually taught me some new words by asking her to sign them to me. I have been making truffles all week, 196 truffles I have made in 4 days LOL!!! Im truffled out!!!!
Well do you wanna hear somot funy (wasn't at the time though) well, you know my "sacred" bike! well today it got stolen out of my garden!!!! I was devastated, my life was ova! No bike...can't go anywhere!! GUTTED! I bought the bike from Paul's Aunty Nelly who is 81 and still was riding this mountain bike up a massive hill to get her carrots and bread etc but it got too much and she let me have it for £25. ....anyhow to get to the point what happened was her Grandson was walking passed our house ( didn't know we lived there! ) and he was a bit tipsy...he saw the bike and took it from the garden...one of my neighbours (Herbert...bless him) shouted after this fellow saying "Oy...thats Rachel's bike" but this guy shouted F.Off...its my grandmas!! He took the bike back to Nelly's proud he had seen her bike in a garden in Langold and had stolen it back for her!...she went into panic saying to him " I sold it...and you've stole it" Luckily when Herbert told us what the guy had said we knew who it was and have managed to get me little blue bell back!...so I Am active again! Phew what a fright! ...ANyway here are some little pic's a couple of me truffles and some of tess a!

Im still here!

Hi guys I am still here, I have been looking after my sister's special needs daughter who is full time work... I am sleeping there etc and my sis has no internet so I wont be properly blogging till at least next wed..... I am doing well with the responsibility but am struggling big time.... Tessa is easy to look after ...its being away from home that is the prob..Libby is helping me which is good. ... Bye for now xxx

RACHEL'S NEW VENTURE

I have done it ... managed to throw my self into a new venture.... I have started selling my chocolates (truffles) to friends and family.... But the amazing thing is it has took off like you wouldn't believe...folks are going crazy for them... they are all made with natural ingredients and they are stunning...made to order...tommorow a freind is taking me out to Sheffield (scared) to get some packaging ...I want natural packaging ...like brown bags etc... ihave designed my label and my sister painted my logo,, the name of me company (LOL, sounds weird) is poppypoppops...there is a reason for the quirky name ! Honest.... peeps love it, and remember it! ....the piccy is my logo x



Flavours are:
Sailors delight: Rum
Icecream dream : Vanilla
Macapone Madness: Mascapone/lemon
Irish blarney: irish cream
Chocolate heatwave: chilli
Scotttish bliss: whisky
Romantic rose: Rose
Dark and handsome: plain
Chocoholic: All types of choc together
Nutty Nora: Almond
Orange seduction: Orange
Bee's knees: Honey
Do you like the sound.....
80p per choc of your choice in brown rustic bag or gift box of 6 for £5.50 .... P&P £2.50 for uk
Please email me for any orders....pic's of truffles to follow x

IN LOVING MEMORY OF DAWN WRIGHT

Today is the anniversary of my loving sister Dawn Wright on the left...she died 4 yrs ago today suddenly with heart failure due to a long illness. Her Daughter Bridgette (my niece ) on the right died 2 yrs before her of anorexia... My sister is buried holding the ashes of her daughter. It has been a sad sad sad day . Bye folks



Dawn I miss you so much, I love you both and will never forget you...every sunset and sunrise, every lovely flower reminds me of your spirit. I know you see me, I know you see me hurting, the best thing of all is you have no more suffering and no more pain but we are left with the longest strongest pain of all, loosing you. The stars sing your praises of your kindness on a clear night and I see you twinkle in the corner of my eye and I smile...the fun,laughs,silly silly times we had, the banging doors and cross words now seem like a feather blowing away in the breeze into the sea of forgetfulness. Nan nights for now little big sis xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx